Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Don't Blame Facebook

I recently joined Facebook. I "tweet" frequently. I have a profile on LinkedIn. I resisted all of these things for a long time. All I knew about Facebook was that far too many marriages disintegrated after a spouse rediscovered an old flame online. Given my anti-betrayal bias, I gave Facebook the finger.
So what changed my mind?
For one thing, I wanted to join the Facebook group Canadian Against Proroguing Parliament. (If you're not Canadian all you need to know is that our prime minister, Stephen Harper, is a scary, scary man.) And, after a few years of healing from betrayal, I was better able to see that, after all, Facebook wasn't to blame. I do think social networking sites make it easier for all the reasons outlined in this great blog post here. But, ultimately, spouses are responsible for their own actions.
What's more, while Facebook et al might make it easier to cheat, they also make it easier to catch a cheat. I had never felt the need to constantly check my husband's computer history, e-mail bills, VISA statements... If I had, well, the proverbial s#@t might have hit the fan a whole lot earlier. If you do find yourself wanting to check up, I think you need to come clear on a few things: Is your gut trying to tell you something that your head and heart aren't quite ready to know? Is the memory of past betrayals making you unnecessarily suspicious? Are there trust issues throughout your relationship that need addressing?
While I don't think that a spouse's e-mail accounts, computers, etc are off-limits, I do think we all deserve a certain measure of privacy and respect of personal space. Until, that is, we don't deserve it anymore.
For months following D-Day, I felt the need to randomly check my husband's cell phone and computer history. After all, those had been his tools for betrayal (except, of course, for that other tool. Ahem...). After repeatedly discovering nothing, I began to relax my own need to check up.

Do you snoop into your spouse's e-mail accounts, Facebook and other social networking sites? What did you discover?


  1. Sadly my snooping always comes up with some very negative items.

    Also yah for joining the group about Canadians Against Proroguing Parliament!! I did too... He is a scary scary man!!

  2. Hi! Glad you found us.

    Is your husband in recovery for sex addiction? Are you? If you're still finding "negative items" when you snoop, I would guess not. Policing him is no way to live your life...nor is it helping either of you. If you haven't yet found a counsellor that deals with sex addiction (or at least knows and understands it), please do. Life with a sex addict is need to take care of you.

  3. I was his friend on Facebook and then all of a sudden he deleted me......and then he made sure everything was private (can't see his friends list, etc). He also has locks on his computer and phone. He has his own bank account and phone account (that was our agreement earlier on in our marriage) so I have no access to this stuff. I used to be able to get on his computer, but as I found photos of women, poems, etc. I would delete them.....that got him mad and that's why I got locked out! But, he eventually got sloppy and I found him out. I still hate Facebook, though......... ; (

  4. Funny, my husband's "texting and calling only (really?)" affair has me thinking Verizon Wireless is the devil incarnate, not just because of how he used this tool, but because they would not let me see the accounts because he pays the bill. The helpline operator WOULD confirm the calls and texts to and from HER number. Talk about insult to injury...

  5. (If you're not Canadian all you need to know is that our prime minister, Stephen Harper, is a scary, scary man).

    that's too bad. very unnecessary.



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