Thursday, January 13, 2011

Looking Back on Crazy

I had to do a reverse number lookup today to ensure that I had written down a number correctly. And suddenly I was transported back to a few weeks past D-Day, when my days were spent feverishly looking for evidence of my husband's affair. In spite of the fact that he had admitted to it, I kept looking for more. I dug up his cell phone bills, his VISA statements. I scrounged through dresser drawers for incriminating receipts (which I promptly shredded! He was NOT going to benefit on his tax return for cheating on me with his assistant). In other words, for a brief while, I lost my mind. It's not that I didn't have other things to do. Things like work. Raising my kids. Making beds. Doing laundry. Walking dogs. Planning dinner. Exercising. Showering! All those things still needed doing. But I ignored them so I could relentlessly, masochistically undertake my detective work to find evidence of something my husband had already confessed, in fair detail, to doing.
What the hell was that all about, anyway.
It seems strange to me today. To imagine that person was me.
She seems like a stranger.
Yet I still remember her raw pain like it was yesterday. I still get a catch in my throat when I recall her ache. Her bewilderment. Her deep abiding pain that came in waves, washing over and over her until she could barely surface long enough to breathe.
Yep, that was me, all right.
I'm not sure what happened to me. I do know that betrayal makes lots of us a wee bit (or perhaps a WHOLE LOT) crazy. It made me do things that the pre-betrayal me would never have dreamed of doing. It turned black to white, night to day. And it left me panting and exhausted by the effort of trying to make sense out of nonsense.
I have little advice for those caught in that craziness. Except please try and find someone to talk to. Or post your thoughts here. We've been there. We know how strong those urges are to call the OW. Or post on her Facebook wall. Or dig through your husband's drawers, his pockets, his files in hopes (or fears!) of finding...what? Evidence that all of this is just a bad dream? Or that everything you suspected (or that he's admitted to) is true?
Crazy seems a standard phase for most of us. I envy the betrayed woman who skips right past it (unless she's in denial. Another common stage for many of us. "My husband? He wouldn't do that...").
When I think back to the time I wasted digging up little more than the knowledge that – yep – that was definitely her phone number he called on December 9, 2006, I recognize that I probably would have been better served by taking that long, overdue shower.


  1. I have searched and googled several sites regarding infidelity looking for people I could say my alliance til I discovered this blog.tho my story wasnt so technically tragic as I would say compared to those wives who have been actually cheated by their husbands during their union but my pain wasnt far different from what they felt.Ive been cheated and betrayed emotionally and for 7 years of my marriage I spent those years in hell with excruciating and devastating insecurity and jealousy.

    I still have my little sanity which I intentionally spared for myself, to still have the power to know which I should do but I just cant find the initiative to make myself better and stop allowing his betrayal and lies ruin my entirety.I even feel Im the biggest traitor.Im a traitor to myself letting the pain constantly live within me which I know its absolutely my foolish choice.

  2. I'm glad you found us. I think that feeling of having let yourself down (which I know I felt...and many others have too) is as devastating as any other. Why are you allowing his betrayal to continue? Is there anything you can do to get yourself to a place -- emotionally -- where you could remove yourself from such a toxic situation? What is he doing, exactly?
    I'm glad you have a clear sense of what his behaviour is doing to you...and the sanity to recognize that it's HIS problem...and not yours. But to continue to stay in the situation isn't good for you. If you haven't already, I hope you can find a counsellor (if you can't pay for a licensed therapist, many church pastors can offer counselling) to help you get clear on what you can do.
    In the meantime, welcome. None of us is any position to judge another's pain from betrayal. We've all felt it and we're all just doing what we can to get through to healing.

  3. Many times I thought of seeing a trusted pastor or seek for a professional help from a psychiatrist or a psychologist. But I dont have the courage yet to talk about my dilemma to other people with out wearing a mask.

    Year 2003, was the time that I thought I have found the right man for me only to find out Im headed to the opposite direction. One night after I had sex with my husband then boyfriend he carelessly uttered "that actress is so flawless like ******". The name he mentioned was from that married woman who have been rumored to him having an illicit affair 6 years before we became couple. Yes she was just a part of his past although he never admitted the truth about their affair but could anyone blame me to feel insulted and betrayed? He just uttered a word of admiration to other woman in a situation where I should be the one to receive it. And for 7 years of waiting I never received any. He even said straight on my face That whatever I do I will remain ugly in his eyes. AArggh!!

    I still marry him with a thought that everyone can commit mistake and feel sorry.And that he would learn to be a lil nicer to me. But then again I just believed on a false judgment. He flirted once even with my presence, he couldnt contain himself from staring another women everytime we are out. I even caught him staring to a woman in a grocery whos with her husband (what an indecent behaviour).

    2 years ago I started on stalking on every social site accounts of the woman who was rumored to my husband. I even copy pasted her picture with her kids on my husband’s and labeled it “ the family u truly wanted”. I feel so foolish doing such crazy thing. Its like Im just helping my husband in torturing me. . .Emotionally. I keep on looking on their edited pic and just starting to cry.. this time it wasn’t my husband who is hurting me at all..Its me..

    So cheating is not just about sexual activity of the spouse outside marriage. Cheating and betrayal can be happen even with out sex with OW. And the pain… the damages are just no difference.

    Many times I considered separation but do I have enough reasons to do so? Im sure many would just laugh on me and say " what a lousy insecure woman you are".

    Thanks for reading my story, and thanks for welcoming me here.

  4. For starters, no-one should ever judge another person for leaving their marriage as we NEVER know what's going on inside another person's home. If you're unhappy, that's all the reason you need to leave. If you feel emotionally abused, then that's MORE than enough reason to leave. In the end, it's your choice and you need to be comfortable with it. Stop listening to the voices in your head telling you that you're not enough, you need to put up with more, etc. etc.
    I really, REALLY think you need to find someone to talk to. The more you hide yourself and your pain away, the more power you're giving it...and him. You need to take control of your own life back. Please find someone to talk with. You can just start by telling them a bit, if that's what you're comfortable with. As you learn to trust them and they prove to you that they're not there to judge you but to help you, perhaps you can open up and tell them more.
    But wanting someone who values you and cherishes is normal. And healthy. Try by valuing and cherishing yourself enough to get the help you need to sift through all the pain and betrayal and emotional abuse.
    And of course, you're always welcome here to share your thoughts, read others' stories. There's much strength to be gained together.



Related Posts with Thumbnails