I. Am. So. Sorry. You've dealt with a lot of pain in your life...but nothing like this. You thought you'd found your safe place in the world. And I ache for you that you believe it's lost.
It's not. But your world has changed. You're right about that part. Years from now you still won't believe absolutely that you can trust another person. But I've got good news for you. You will learn through this how to trust yourself. And that's a gift that I'm not sure you could have received any other way.
The thing is you've spent your entire marriage trying to make him happy. To create a home that he wants to return to. To create a family that nourishes me. To be pretty. To be smart. To be fun and interesting and a perfect hostess and wife and friend and mother. And... And... And.
And it didn't work, did it? All that work, all those compromises you were making even though he didn't know you were making them. All the words you swallowed. All the dreams you put aside. None of it made a bit of difference, did it? And do you want to know why? Cause you were fine all along without having to try so damn hard. You were enough. You still are. He didn't cheat because you haven't lost that last 10 pounds of baby weight. He didn't cheat because you aren't a gourmet cook. He didn't cheat because you prefer to read over watching his favorite shows. Or because you prefer jeans over tailored suits. He cheated because he was looking for something in himself that's been missing for a long time. And you couldn't give it to him. And she couldn't give it to him. And the other "she" couldn't either. And that's because none of us have it to give to him. It's something only he can give to himself. And it's approval. And it only ever really fills that hole when it comes from within.
And that's the same lesson you need to learn. You don't need his approval. You never did. And even if he'd given it to you unequivocally (impossible for him because he couldn't even give it to himself), it wouldn't have mattered. Because you've never believed you were enough. Not pretty enough. Not skinny enough. Not smart enough, or interesting enough, or anything enough. Just. Not. Enough.
And so he sought that feeling in other women. And you sought it in him and in work and in toxic friendships and, too often, in alcohol.
So while this betrayal by him might seem like yet another kick when you've had so many. It might feel as though your heart is shattered beyond repair.
But when you begin to re-piece your life, you'll understand that this time it's truly going to be your life. On your terms. A life that's full with or without him in it. A life that's full because you're full. You. Alone. Are enough.
Perhaps there are easier ways to learn that lesson. But this is the lesson you've been given. You are your own safe place in the world. Learn it well and you'll never have to learn it again.
Enough.
It's so hard to convince yourself you are enough when going through this. So. Very. Hard. I'm trying. Thanks for the reminder to all of us who are enough.
ReplyDeleteBravo!
ReplyDeleteI so needed to hear those words. Thank You.
ReplyDeletethanks alot.Im trying to gather the broken pieces
ReplyDeleteHi. You said it so right. If there is anything I learned after being cheated on (2 years ago), that is loving myself more. What happened made me realized that no amount of love or service to any person will guarantee fidelity, then I started looking after myself and my kids more. I was not ready when I found out about his infidelity, I was devastated and have lost a lot of confidence in myself, but now, I am starting to regain my self-confidence and getting back to my old self, hopefully a lot better than I was. As for my husband, he is just a partner, a father to my children and he can stay with me as long as he remains faithful.
ReplyDelete- Jamie
I need to read this every single day until forever.
ReplyDelete:) No...not forever. It's hard to believe right now, but the day will come when you won't need it. And then you'll be able to offer it to someone else who's where you are now.
DeleteElle
wow... here I sit a 1/2 hour before work starts, before the rest of the world gets here. I will likely read this several times over the weekend. This is my first week back from a cruise. Our first cruise to the Bahamas. Our Anniversary cruise. I hear all the yays and good for yous, but, a few days before leaving for the cruise I found several emails between my husband and two other women. He has been seeing two different women for about 3 years now. I am devastated. I live in Canada and on the east coast, my husband moved to the west coast to live with our oldest son and a better job and for me to move there in the spring. So here I am alone, holding down the fort unsure of my future. Unsure of everything. I found myself one late evening standing by the dark cold river. I could only think of our 2 boys and new granddaughter. I have Dreams of paths leading to darkness. I find myself Crying while driving to work. Sitting in parking lots late at night. Crying on friend's shoulders. He says he is remorseful. He tells me he loves me. He wants to make our relationship work.Promised to get help. 5 years ago almost to the recent D Day, I found out about a one night stand. He was drunk, worked too much and I knew he was stressed.His brick wall went up and I was closed out. Now I just had DDay #2 and the situation is 10 times worse. I even received an email from the OW #1. Stating that she pretty much wanted him and was in love. For me to just give it up. What an idiot! How do I ever trust anyone again. Or love again. My heart hurts. Yes... loving myself more is important right now and forever. Perhaps I will attract someone who loves themselves also.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
DeleteI'm so very sorry you find yourself in this situation. And, yes, the second time (after forgiving the first) can feel so much more painful because you can no longer believe the illusion that this was "just" a mistake...and that life can resume. It can't. Betrayal is a wound that cuts so incredibly deep. And not tending to that deep, deep wound simply leaves it to fester and, eventually, rupture in some way.
It's fine that your husband is remorseful...but he has shown that words can't be trusted. He needs to show with his actions AND his words that he is willing to do the hard work of examining how he allowed himself to betray you, and ensuring that he's got a system in place so it never happens again. He needs to understand himself. And that's a lot of work.
While he's doing that, it gives you a chance to understand yourself. Why you gave him a second chance the first time...and what you truly need from him now.
It also gives you the chance to determine whether you want to give him another chance. My advice is to not make any big decisions for six months or more. You're simply too hurt, too raw and on too much of a roller coaster to be able to see far enough in the distance. You want to act...not react.
Keep reading here. There's lots of great advice that, unfortunately, we all had to learn the hard way. There's also enormous compassion and understanding for the pain you're in. You're not there alone. And you won't heal alone. We're here every step of the way to guide you along.
Elle (who, incidentally, is also Canadian!)
Thank you, i could not say that to myself. Its been 4 years since d-day i still lack the motivation to pick myself up. He left, moved with her. She was pregant with their baby. I decided to leave the u.s. with my 3 kids and move back to my country. I mannaged to take care of the kids and build a nice life for us..but me I am a mess.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly helped me to understand that betrayal is trauma, and treating it as such can help with healing. Too many of us think that time will heal, without recognizing that we've numbed ourselves to cope. By acknowleding that you're experiencing post-trauma, you can seek the help you need to truly examine how this has impacted you, recognize coping strategies that don't serve you in the long run, and begin to feel whole and joyful again.
DeleteI felt like a "mess" for a long time. Looking after three kids after a move has no doubt taken its toll -- especially without your ex's support or help. Do you have any emotional support where you are? Are you in any sort of counselling? Don't underestimate how this has affected you. I sometimes think too that by no longer having a relationship with the cheating spouse, we expect it to be easier to move on. But a trust violation, as betrayal is, affects our world view and sense of safety in the world.
I'm glad this post spoke to you. I hope you'll continue to share your thoughts on this site. Welcome.
Elle