Share Your Story: Finding Out (Part 3)

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194 comments:

  1. I am a betrayed husband so sorry if its inappropriate for me to post. My wife and I have reconciled and honesty our marriage is more solid than it had ever been before her affair. Im in a dark place and I feel isolated. My wife cheated on me for three years. The OM was in the army so she wasn't able to see him very often. She actually told me about the affair just a couple of months after it started but she skillfully downplayed it and made me decide if they could remain friends. The story I got was that at a party, she got too drunk and they made out. That seemed very much like a reasonable level of messing up. I had certainly been tempted to indulge in some drunken fooling around so I didn't take it as seriously as I ought to have. She showed me emails of him apologizing for coming on to her and I figured he wasn't a threat. Besides, he was in Afghanistan so what could happen? Of course the story that she told me wasn't the whole truth and by giving me the responsibility of calling off her affair, she was taking advantage of the immense trust that I held in her. We started dating at age 20 and by the time I was 22 I was dying of a mysterious illness. I told her that if we were to break up, I would not hold it against her. She refused.I was DX'ed with kidney failure caused by lupus. She nursed me through a long, debilitating period of disability and along with my doctors and family she saved my life. We married at 24. Sharing this experience made us a strong couple at a young age but it also created an imbalance in our relationship. She resented my illness for taking away years of her life and she was unable to share that with me. To her credit, she tried. It's difficult to hear your significant other complain about a situation caused by your own illness. That line of communication was cut off and she sought distraction with an OM. Fast forward three years to July 2013 and the beginning of a months-long trickle of ever worse information. She told me that they had had sex. I insisted on counseling for the both of us. The therapist met with the two of us and said he just wanted to see my wife. Seems like every other appointment she had with the DOC she had more to tell me. I began to dread Thursdays. More and more information came out over the weeks and months and in the mean time, I became an expert at mining her phone and email for clues about the affair. I found photos, salacious text messages and evidence of a rendezvous during a business trip. I packed my bags and when she came home from work, I presented the evidence and she finally came clean. Sexting, meet-ups and worst of all, the word "love" being exchanged. I was so close to leaving but I kept imagining life without my best friend. Would it really be any better than what I was feeling? I stayed, got a counselor of my own and so began a true renaissance in our relationship. Things turned around for the two of us so quickly. She got pregnant (by me) and together we suffered through a miscarriage. We are actively trying again. Faced with the prospect of life apart, we truly recommitted and are trying hard to put it behind us and move on to a future together with children. Alas, I can't go a day without thinking about OM and wanting to tear his heart out. It was getting better but then one of my periodic FB-stalking binge revealed to me that OM has a girlfriend. Now all I can think about is somehow ruining that for him. I want him to try to get in touch with my wife (all his emails automatically forward to me now) so that I can inform his GF that he is a bastard who has no respect for relationships. I want to take away his sense of security like he took away mine. I want him to go to bed at night alone so that I can silently gloat that I am in bed with the woman that he wishes he could have. I am so frustrated. I truly have the most wonderful wife, in spite of her mistakes, and I wish I could stop wasting so much energy obsessing over the pathetic man-child that was nothing more than a living sex-toy for her.

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    1. Are you really sure she is your best friend? Best friends have each other's back and it doesn't sound like she did. And even tho you hate the man-child, she jumped right in searching for some kind of escape. It was selfish and beyond hurtful. And I wouldn't be so quick to bring a child into your relationship until more time has passed. Kids don't fix a relationship, they make it way harder. They change marriage, there is no more pretending, and they need the focus to be on them. My children are the best thing that ever happened in my life but truth be told I stayed with my husband because of the kids. Once you have them they are always with you and if you ever need to split up you're always connected to that other person.

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    2. Please don't ever feel as if you're not welcome here. Betrayal is betrayal, no matter which gender (or sexuality, for that matter) faces it.
      I think you're dealing with something that a lot of us do -- an obsession with the affair partner who, we think, took something that belonged to us. And Pilot's Wife is right in that, ultimately, it was your wife who made the choice to betray you. You mean nothing to the military man. You're a sidebar to him.
      It sounds harsh but it's actually your liberation. He's a sidebar to you, too. Let him go off into his future with this girlfriend who, you can bet, would react to an attack on her beloved's character with the same loyalty you're showing to your wife. The GF will either find out the hard way that her beloved has no scruples or, like your wife, he'll have learned a lesson from his wayward ways. Either way, it's no matter to you.
      Don't give him any more real estate in your brain. I know, easy to say, hard to do. But even harder when you feed that obsession with FB stalking. Stop. Cut this guy out of your life like a cancer. When you're tempted, imagine someday telling a child who's been betrayed how to handle it. My guess is you wouldn't recommend an obsession with the affair partner. My guess is you'd encourage them to move forward into a life of integrity.
      And speaking of children, a miscarriage can be so painful. You've both been through so much. I'd be less inclined to "try" and more inclined to ensure that you're rebuilding a really strong foundation where resentment and hurts are aired and dealt with before they create betrayal.
      I hope you two continue down the path you're on. That's the best revenge right there. To build a life with the woman you love that has absolutely NO room in it for him.

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    3. All due respect to pilots wife, I still believe my multiple affair husband is my best friend. He made a (more than a really) selfish & stupid mistake. My best girlfriend & I have acted selfishly and done inconsiderate things to each other many times over the course of our 26 year friendship. The same is true of me & my siblings. We expect the most from our loved ones & are hardest on then when they make mistakes.

      I just finished private lies where he makes the point although betrayeds always feel this was done to them, it wasn't really directed at us. He says the betrayer made the choice. Also another if my books I can't remember which one right now says stop focusing on the affair partner. There nothing special about them. The only thing abt then was that they were available. Also, people are nowhere near as choosy with them as with spouses. Spouses are for the long term while ap's are temporary.

      Sam

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    4. Sam,
      You're right about best friends making mistakes because of course we're all human. And isn't it comforting to hold onto the thought that the AP was no one special tho the second flight attendant was my husband's soulmate. Pittman does a good section on soul mates and romantic pairings. Golly, I love that book. It actually made me laugh in my darkest hour.
      It sounds like you are a very forgiving person. After all this time, I can say I have forgiven but there are triggers that bring back the pain. Walking the talk isn't always easy.

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    5. Thanks Elle, your response is perfect. Pilot's Wife, I appreciate your thoughts but I am absolutely sure that she is the best-friend anyone could hope for and that she will be the best mother to my children. I Understand that given what she did to our marriage, I could walk away from her any day and not a single person in the world would judge me for it. I certainly thought about it for months, but I prefer living with her and the pain than without her. Neither leaving nor staying can stop the pain, but leaving would mean that I would have to deal with the pain alone. To that end, having children is not meant to fix anything. Our marriage was never broken per se. Each of us, individually, were broken. This is not to say that I did anything to cause the affair, nor does it mean that I did anything comparable. She made choices that did great harm. The affair presented us with two choices: we could either deal with the harm caused by the affair and our own broken selves individually or we could do it together in a mutually supportive relationship. I am glad that we chose to do it together.

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    6. I think you sound brave and balanced and seem to have thought things through.I know what Pilots' Wife means too.
      Im about to start Relaye counselling because despite what my boyfriend did and how much it hurts I too know I could walk away and nobody would blame me but as you say the pain will be there eitherway as I miss him so much.Im not moving in with him yet after almost three years seeing each other lots.Also another deciding factor is for me anyhow...is this a pattern or new behaviour from him? The answer was no...His hasnt always been this way in relationships,he was married for 15 years and she left him after online affair,That was 5 years ago.I think he was still dealing with that too..I hope you can both find your way and have a secure happy life together.

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  2. I haven't wrote a letter, I'm suing her. Personal Tort, Intentional Infliction of Emotional Duress..I'm in Ohio...LADIES>>..check your state tort laws and then find yourself a good tort attorney...looks like my "OW" will be funding my retirement AND she's stuck with my cheating husband cuz he had nowhere else to go. HA! I decided to sue because after awhile, her continued outrageous behavior was enough. People in a civilized society should NOT be allowed to just blow somebody's life apart, and then keep kicking you when you are down. There are LAWS. USE THEM. The satisfaction quotient is heavenly...absolutely heavenly

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    1. Yahoo! I'm feeling a certain satisfaction quotient from where I sit. You go girl, on behalf of all of us!!

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    2. Wow, I live in Ohio as well, would like to know more about this lawsuit.... I just found out last weekend my husband of 8 years was having a 6 month affair with a co-worker from his last employer. I don't even know where to start. My story sounds a lot like AnonymousOctober 1, 2014 at 9:37 PM

      rock bottom....

      without the pregnancy and loss of parent.

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    3. Anonymous in Ohio,
      I'd love to know more about your lawsuit. Will you send me a comment post on this with your e-mail address (I won't publish it. Promise!) so I can get in touch with you? I curate all the comments so I only click publish on those that are "public".
      Thanks,
      Elle

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    4. Check "alienation of affection" law. I'm thinking of using it against the OW. It's still valid in my state. :) Oh the fun I could have ruining her life.....(insert evil laugh)

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  3. This is interesting, I have tried to look up Tort on UK sites but not very clear. Anyone has more information I would be interested.
    I've said from the beginning that there should be a court where you have the right to make both parties go and attend and account for their actions. If I had scares outside instead of inside it would be a different story.
    My H OW went to the Police station and had a Harassment order put against me! Yes I had sent her some messages at the very beginning via twitter or FB. But not much considering her devastating actions lasted 7 months. A couple of months ago I found a jacket that I had chosen and he had worn every time they met. He had it on the day I tried to get the secret mobile (cell) from him. the pocket got ripped, then once the affair was finally out in the open I stopped him wearing and put it away in the cupboard. I came across it again months later, I decided to send it to her. After all she had her arms round it when they sat in her car or my car kissing. But the law is apparently on her side, and she was able to walk into a Police Station and get a Policeman to call me and tell me to stop and to move on with my life. Apparently as people love to tell me this, it must be easy!
    We need this site so much as we can rant and rave and tell our story without anyone thinking we have completely lost it!

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    1. Yes, it is interesting. Any lawyers in our midst who can shed light on what's involved?

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    2. Hi Jane
      Hope you feel better today.
      If you are in the UK, try and look up “law of delict” rather than tort. The latter is mainly an American law term. I practise law in South Africa, and our system is mainly based on English and Roman- Dutch Law. We also refer to delicts rather than torts. In our Courts is remains difficult and expensive to instigate legal action against the third party, but it has been done. The action can be based on a delict, and a suit for damages.
      Also, I would advise that you break any and all contact with the OW. What she did to you is inexcusable, but she will still hold certain rights. She will be entitled to instigate legal action if you are seen to “harass” her, and I can only imagine that you would not wish to give her this satisfaction.
      I will see if I can perhaps find some case law on this in the UK.
      Good luck to you, you are in my prayers.

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  4. I am a betrayed husband.
    My heart goes out to you all. My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have two stunning kids. We are successful, healthy and best of friends. Three weeks ago, it all changed. My wife confided in her niece that she was planning on cheating on me with a friend of ours. I got a text from the niece, and was told my wife was planning on going to his house that afternoon. I had to battle the most awful images imaginable while I was driving home. I realised that my wife was in the arms of this friend. There was nothing I could do.
    My wife got home, and acted as if nothing in the world was wrong. That same night I confronted my friend, who asked if I would permit him the opportunity to explain, and I said no. I told him he forfeited that luxury. My wife denied everything until the following morning when she finally broke down. She admitted to me that they slept together the previous afternoon. She admitted having had an emotional relationship with him for the last two months. She admitted to “sexting” or whatever the hell you call it. Everything slipped my mind. I felt the most intense pain I have ever encountered.
    My wife explained to me that she felt neglected. She fell for this guy because he made her feel good about herself. He made her feel sexy. She was not in love with him. Now, most of you would agree that this explanation was irrelevant. There is just absolutely no justification for cheating. I however had to be honest with myself. As my wife lay crying in bed, my hart broke. Not out of self-pity. Not for my situation, but for us. The bond I had with my wife was the only thing real in my life. And I had to admit that I had a hand in this. I neglected my friend. I broke her heart. We failed each other.
    I was writing this to perhaps give another perspective. I understand that some of you would not agree, and that many of you cannot forgive the betrayal. That is your absolute right; no one can ever fault you for that. But some of you might be in the situation that I am in. My wife asked, even begged me to get help prior to this. My wife screamed for attention, and I was always too tired to listen. I thought our situation to be normal. Hell, I am an attorney, I have a stressful job right? We have two small kids, we should be tired, right? We are constantly fighting, but that is normal right? Wrong.
    I had in my life only made three promises that I deem important. Two was to God, when I baptised my kids. The other was to my wife, before God. I failed her as she failed me. Her betrayal was dirty, cheap, once. Mine was prolonged, painful and just as real.
    I am not in any sense arguing for the cheaters here. I hate what my wife did. I still feel so much pain that I sometimes just break down. I will probably never erase these images form my mind. I do however accept my responsibility in this. I teach my son to be strong, to be a man. I demand from him to take responsibility for his actions. What kind of a man would I be if I leave his mother alone in this. There is a very real danger in being the victim. The world has unconditional pity with you. The cheater has no defence, none. I strongly agree that you should never make decisions while being showered with this pity. If you were, like me, also responsible for the situation – own up to your part. Let the real healing begin.
    To those of you who were really blameless in this betrayal, I can only imagine the degree of pain you feel. I wish you all happiness and healing. We are all members of a club we did not want to be part of. The fees are extremely expensive, the benefits basically none.

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    1. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join. And thanks for sharing your experience. I think you'd be surprised at how many of us come to the same understanding you've had. While I never suggest that anyone is to "blame" for a spouse's affair, most of us come to understand that we had some role to play in the state of the marriage when the affair took place. And the only way to rebuild a stronger, healthier marriage is for each partner to understand their role.
      That said, I nonetheless believe it's the unfaithful spouse's role to support the betrayed spouse in his/her healing. To be transparent, to give up certain privacy and freedoms, to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust.

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  5. He is remorseful. I am angry. I am so angry because in all the years I have known him he has lectured us all about good morals and ethics and to never lie and then we find this? Wtf. Youngest daughter is really affected as he has been giving her a hard time every since she left school and she is feeling such pain by never living up to his expectations. She dropped out of uni and it made him so angry. Both daughters shun him.
    As the days go on and I just go to work in a daze, eat nothing and drink too much wine I am bombarded by texts and phone calls from him. He is sooooo sorry. I realise I need to have answers so I let him back home. The talks and crying begin. He starts to see a IC. More trickle truths come out. It seems to just get worse and worse. Who the hell is this man I have lived with in ? He is so repentant he is full of remorse. He looks like a sad puppy. Appears he had his first affair with my best ( no longer) friend in our first year of marriage. I knew she slept around but not with my husband. He then had a break from misbahaving for 20 years. Then he has an EA and PA with a work colleague. Then he met the bus friend and they had been together 10 years. She was single when they first met but during their time together she marries and still has my H on the side for sex and chats. Who does that? He then meets another lady and actually falls in love with her. They had been together 8 years. It was love at first sight. She expected him to leave me but he didn't so she started dating other men in the hope my husband would do something but of course he didn't and their relationship turned into an EA but from his emails he was forever chasing her for some sex. I discovered photos, love poems, trips away, gifts, he saw his women every day. One for a bus trip and the other for lunch and then dinner and sex then he would come home and complain about the stress of his job. Really????? I can almost laugh. So, where was I and what was I doing those last 10 years? I guess I got caught up in my own little world. Work and looking after the girls. Teenage school years. Life seemed busy and full and I have amazing relationships with my daughters. I guess the three of us were quite close but it was a case of being made to be like that because once he came home from work we had to walk on eggshells in case he blew up. The more we retreated the more we enabled him to advance with his abusive behaviour. We were actually scared of him. On a couple of occasions I would talk to him about his attitude and it always came back to the fact that he is the major breadwinner and he has to work in the mining industry which is very stressful and somehow it is all our fault and all we ever do is spend his money. Our arguments we not resolving. I kept backing off just to make life bearable.
    One day when I accompanied him to IC he was told that trickle truth is holding us back and that it was time for H to let it ALL out. I also told him I was having him investigated because he was such a liar. So more shit comes out.... He was currentlyhaving it off with my good friend who lives next door. ( I wondered why she had been a bit cool with me for the last year or so...now I know!) well, that was it. I finally went completely bananas and thank god my daughters were around because my H proved to be useless and my daughters took control and took me to the hospital. I guess I had a breakdown.

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  6. Now.....8 months down the track life is very different. Thanks to a lot of life coaching, journey therapy, mindfulness, yoga and a very remorseful husband we are on the road to recovery. Each day there is a step or two forward and one step back.
    H wrote to all his girlfriends explaining his life of deceit. Bus bitch and love lady must have been pissed to find out he was cheating on them. Bitch next door got a short and sweet text from me and then blamed my H for everything. I had to tell her H and now they are selling and moving.
    He goes to work, does not sit next to women on the bus. Does not lunch. Does not have drinks. Comes home from work on time. Comes to bikram with me. Spends a lot of time helping my daughters and helping around the house. This one is huge because he never did a thing. He takes an interest in our lives and how we are and what we are doing. Writes me love notes every day. Answers my questions no matter what time of day or night. His whole attitude towards me is caring. When I was going through my cancer treatments last year he would on occasion accompany me but mostly he had organised meetings in the city so he was unable to be with me. What do you think I discovered? Phone records tell a lot. He was meeting one or more of his girlfriends? Day of my op when he hung around the hosp with me while I was going thru awful pre op procedures he was busy texting them and once I was out of the op and back in my room he went out that night. Lovely hey? What sort of a bastard is he? Xmas day was busy for him too. Lol...his life must have been very stressful alright.
    Focusing on the future is much better. Sometimes I just need to get this shit out and it makes me feel a bit better and I guess that is why there is this place where we can vent and read stories and know that we are not in this sordid business alone. It still amazes me and I now think that there is something quite amiss in our society for 50% of men thinking they need something else in their lives other than their chosen partner. Why can it be so easy for them to live a life of lies? Why do they think they deserve more? I guess we will never know. I certainly won't get any answers from H . He was acting on desires for newness and excitement that he did not get at home and of course felt he deserved it because we were not enough for him. I guess they can talk themselves into anything. I guess having women ( sad lonely pathetic creatures...all of them) desire him made him feel good as well. I suspect ego plays a big role. My husband tho very cute is a short man and I know it has always bothered him. He has given up the gym ( was always chatting women there in front of me...they all loved him) he has now started bikram and he is finding a new tolerance and peace within himself. He is starting to feel better about himself as well. He is looming to my workplace and liking the atmosphere in the yoga studio. Once upon a time he made such fun of yoga. Now he loves it and even came to a retreat. He has done a complete 180. He is a patient driver - no more road rage. Has not lost his temper once since February. Does kind and caring things to daughters( who still hate him) he is a new person to me. Far nicer that the man I married 30 yrs ago. He is showing no signs of selfishness at all. He is kind and thoughtful. He is loving and patient. He has empathy and understanding.
    I am still not trusting. I am still not forgiving. I am treating him no different except I am showing him how thankful I am for his efforts to be a better man.
    What more can I do?
    Thank for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for all your stories.
    Namaste.

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    1. Namaste,
      Wow, wow, wow. You have been through HELL. Cancer treatments and then a bucketload of lies?
      That fact that you haven't murdered him in his sleep is a testament to your self-control.
      I wish you continued healing and peace. I hope that he truly has created deep, lasting change in himself.
      Please know that you're always welcome here to vent, share, support and guide.

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    2. Thanks Elle. Do you really think a person can change this much?
      The first MC we went to ( who disliked my H) said that a massive change like this was all just an act and part of his narcistic personality.
      I believe we all have narcistic traits and my husband certainly ticks a few boxes but then again most people do. I think it is the ability to be able to recognise your behaviour as inappropriate and then change it which will mean you don't tick ALL the boxes and can therefore reform your life. The MC was adamant this was impossible and it was pretty hard to hear this from a professional. Once I realised she greatly disliked him we no longer saw her but what she said sticks in my mind.
      I guess time will tell.
      My oldest daughter told me one day that if he was just acting then he would be long gone because I certainly was not making life very pleasant for him in those first few early months.
      Has anyone else seen such a massive change and had it be consistent? Is it possible?
      Thank you.
      Namaste.

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    3. Namaste,
      Yes I do think people can change as much as they're willing to. It's not easy. And he must absolutely believe that change is for him as much as for you. It's when we realize that we're not the people we want to be that change becomes possible, almost inevitable.
      My husband went from living essentially a double life to becoming someone he feels good about. He had become disgusted with himself but was so far into this deceit that he didn't know how to extricate himself. And without the benefit of understanding WHY he had created this bizarre and miserable other life, he felt powerless to change it.
      It was, however, up to HIM to create the change. I couldn't wish it, demand it, create it, beg for it. I could only give him the time and space to create it for himself. And that, of course, was my choice.

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  7. I have not decided to stay for sure. I told him I would work at our relationship and give it approx a year.
    From the very beginning of me finding out he was so remorseful. A lot of texts begging forgiveness and being repentant. Some made me feel so sad because he really was grovelling. A few times he was at Rock bottom and I have never seen him like this. For 20 years we had a good marriage. We were close. We had fun. We were caring and kind and thoughtful with each other and the girls. 10 yrs ago things started to slowly change. His attitude and bad moods were blamed on overwork and career stresses. I stuck with him because my belief is that you stay married in good and bad times and this was a bad time. We still had good times during this period but they were rare but when they happened it was reassuring to me that I was doing the right thing sticking by him. Of course in hindsight I now realise his bad moods and anger were probably as a result of the guilt and stresses of his deceitful life.
    Our day to day life at present is way happier and healthier than it has ever been. Sure there are the days when I go crazy .
    He is reading all the stuff I send him. He makes notes. We talk a lot. He is always willing to do anything to help me heal and to

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  8. He had also not been in a physical relationship with anyone for the past 3 years. He was still in EA with all the females but since the physical side stopped his general mood had changed for the better. At the time he attributed it to changing jobs to a less stressful position. Funny thing is that is all just coincided. Even whilst he was unemployed he was coping with that so much better that he would have during his high stress /physical relationship time.
    Go figure.
    Life when I am not being crazy is very good.

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  9. To namaste from Sam,

    We are 1 year 3 months post d day 1.

    Yes our relationship is much better. I don't know if he is more honest with me but I am definitely more honest with him. We both are more appreciative of each other & say thank u more. When we ask each other for help we ask nicely, we don't order each other around nastily. No more sarcasm (of that I was queen). I include him in everything related I the kids & I feel like he includes me in his work related stuff.

    Do I trust him completely? No. But I don't go thru his phone or his emails anymore, not because I trust him but because he hasn't changed his phone password & he leaves his phone lying around the house unattended which he never did in all the 10 years he was cheating. As Elle says I guess I trust myself to be able tell when something IS going on.

    Does he get it? Not sure. Sort of I guess as much as any cheater who himself has never been heated on can. He changed somewhat before d day, was already a lot nicer to me & did more family stuff. He hates the fact that I found out, probably because he knows it has forever changed my opinion of him. He says he never wants me to contact them because he doesn't want them to feel satisfaction, he doesn't want them to know I felt pain because of them. I believe him in that too.

    Even though we have been fighting this past week he still made his usual efforts to reassure me about where he was and who with.

    What heals is time & effort. Every time he does something nice for me or the kids, shows he cares about us, or leaves his phone attended/ tells me where he is going & whom with it hips away little by little at the past affairs.

    BUT NOT JUST TIME, IT'S TIME & EFFORT!

    Sam

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  10. Here's my sad and sorry situation. It's been 10 long years since my d-day. Kids are mostly grown which is primary reason I stayed. I looked the other way even though I know his affair was an ongoing one despite my attempts to have him admit and deal with what to do. He always said I was crazy, did nothing wrong, and refused to talk one iota about it. No interest in counseling either. I basically was stonewalled every time I tried calling him out. I had proof of his OW, I even got up the nerve to call her to ask wtf was her deal since I couldn't get anywhere with him.
    He acts like it's nothing....we don't have sex because I at least drew that line in the sand. I can't believe how timid I am how fearful I've been. I've done nothing right by my kids for holding on all these years. I drink too much now, have little to no self esteem and I'm afraid to end what I've gotten used to living with. I read a quote recently; "What you allow, is what will continue." This sums up the last decade of my life. I need and want to get out of this so badly before there's nothing left of me.

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    1. It's not "nothing". It was an incredible betrayal and your response to it -- pain, humiliation, fear -- is absolutely normal. What you needed 10 years ago, and what you need now, is assurance that you did not deserve this. Not the betrayal and not his dismissal of your response to his betrayal.
      You're clearly recognizing, though, that you want more than this. Of course you do. The course of action you've chosen -- to numb your feelings with alcohol, to silence yourself -- isn't working for you or your children. My mom chose the same course of action and it took her a decade to get sober and to want more for herself, and for my brother and me.
      You are strong enough to do this. It will be hard. You will need to learn new ways of facing the pain. You will need to trust that, no matter how excruciating the feelings that come up (and they will come up -- lots of them, many from years you thought you'd long ago forgotten), you can handle them. They are feelings. That's it. They will not kill you. They will be horrible and frightening. But they will recede if you simply feel them.
      You say you have no self-esteem, but I think you do. You took the initiative to call the other woman. You trusted your gut and you were right. You know you deserve better, you simply don't have the blueprint for how to achieve better.
      Please start by finding yourself a really good therapist who will work with you on this. Someone who will validate your suffering but won't let you dwell there. Someone who knows that inside you is a strong, resilient woman who has had enough of this and wants more for herself.
      Get yourself also to an AA meeting. You will find the most wonderful people there. Compassionate people. Warm people. Funny people. People who are battling their own demons. Seek out a sponsor who can remind you why you don't want to drink anymore. Who can remind you that you're stronger than any desire to numb yourself.
      I know you can do this. I've seen it happen in my own family. I hope you'll share with us your own journey back to yourself.

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  11. Thank you so much for your response and everything you shared with me. Just want to say that this blog that I've started to follow is part of what is FINALLY giving me the strength to start my journey of healing and renewal. I have an appointment with a therapist next week, I'm done with drinking my sorrows and fears away. I'll consciously replace my fears with faith and guard against doubts and negative thoughts that have been keeping me from living the life I was created to live. One step at a time..... ❤️

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    1. That's so wonderful to hear. One step at a time indeed. There's a whole lot of wisdom in those five words.
      It won't be easy. Nothing about healing from betrayal is easy. But taking that first step is HUGE. Just know that there is a community of people here who can catch you when you fall.
      I'm so happy that you're giving yourself this gift of investing in your own healing. You are so worth it.

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  12. Hi, I'm Kim. I found out april 28th this year. In the morning I checked my Facebook and found that I had a message from someone I didn't know. It turned out it was the OW's then boyfriend who had found out and so was telling me. I couldn't believe it. My partner was downstairs feeding our baby who was going to be one year old the next week. I asked him about it and he tried to deny it for a while but then came out and said it. He said they started texting at the beginning on march and it was just friendly chit chat. Then it got flirty but he thought they were just joking around. And then they ended up having sex on the desk in work. He says that he felt guilty when they finished and he was texting her that night to say that it should never have happened but then they carried on texting every single night and he said it was just friendly chit chat again then. The day before I found out I saw a text on his phone to her asking how her night was going but he told me he meant to send it to someone else when I confronted him about it. That night he text her saying that I had saw the text on his phone and that he lied to me and she told him that she has him saved under a different name on her phone. He deleted all the texts and he text her every night, all night when I had gone to bed. He reckons he didn't know he was having an affair and that she was telling him everything he wanted to hear. He said he only carried on talking to her because he was worried that she'd say something in work. I have tried talking to her but she won't talk to me. She hasn't even apologised. I had her sister messaging me on facebook saying that I'm fat and ugly and that I'm a c*nt! I just feel like I can't get closure and move on without talking to her. My partner has given up smoking and drinking to prove how much he loves me and I want to make it work but the pain is still so hard. I can't stop obsessing about the OW and I just read your techniques to deal with that so I'll give them a go. I just feel so upset, confused, angry, and so much more. Just seems like she's living a happy life and I'm stuck with all the pain.

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    1. Kim,
      What you're feeling is quite normal, under the circumstances. A lot of us feel completely powerless after a spouse's affair (whether emotional or physical). So we project onto the OW this charmed life -- that they're sexy and interesting and living this wonderful happy life. If we break it down, however, we know that nobody lives a perfectly charmed life, least of all someone who's cheating on her boyfriend with someone who's cheating on his wife. They might delude themselves into thinking it's all very exciting and romantic but...really? To be constantly lying? BTW, her sister sounds like a real class act.
      No matter. None of them are worth your energy. They're messy people playing with people's lives. I understand the urge to want to confront her but you're not going to get an apology from someone who's intentionally involving herself with a married man (and father of a one-year-old!!). She's clearly lacking in scruples or, likely, any ability for self-examination.
      Recognize her the poison she is and steer clear. Stay focussed on your relationship with your husband. Insist that his promise to stop drinking (is he an addict?) be kept. And his promise to stop smoking. Insist that he send this woman a "no contact" message that he copies you on. It should be short and sweet, along the lines that he loves his family and is focussed on making up for the pain he's caused and that he expects her to respect that and not contact him again. That's it. You should also have access to his phone/computer/etc. so that you can make sure he's not contacting her. If he hears from her, he needs to let you know. You two need to become a team in keeping her out of your lives.
      Believe me, she's not living a "happy life". Focus on creating that for yourself.

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    2. Thank you for replying.
      He's not an addict but when he drank he just couldn't handle it and I've wanted him to stop for years.
      When I found out he did say to her that he won't be talking to her anymore and she tried acting like the victim and that he was being an arse for not wanting to talk to her anymore.
      Her sister worked with him aswell and she tried to kiss him on a work do last christmas! There's something wrong with the whole family by the sounds of it! The OW and her sister have recently quit so he doesn't have to see them anymore. But then that also infuriates me because she's got herself a new job and so I just feel like justice isn't being done.
      She also got a new boyfriend two months after.
      I have never hated someone so much and I hate how bitter this has made me. I have had depression for years and after our son was born I finally had the courage to get help so I started anti depressants and got councilling. I was finally feeling a bit confident for once but I found out about the affair about a month after I finished councilling so I just feel like it was all wasted.
      I have told him that I don't want him going on any more work nights out and he has promised that he won't.
      This is just the hardest thing and I never imagined that he was capable of doing this

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    3. Kim,
      It is brutal, no question. I hope, however, you'll focus on the gains you've made. Getting your own depression under control is huge. What a gift to your child! And yourself!
      And it can feel somewhat cleansing to hate the OW in the short term. She does sound truly vile. Let her take her toxic roadshow into someone else's life. Don't for a second think that she's suddenly become a kind-hearted soul and surrounded herself with other kind-hearted souls. Nope, she's her same messed up self no doubt hooking up with other messed up people. Hurt people hurt people.
      Do your best to think of her as a cancer that has been cut out of your life. You're far healthier without her in it, even if it's just in your brain. Don't give her that space.
      Focus on your marriage, on the positive changes that are occurring. That's not to underestimate your pain. But don't compound your pain by focussing so much on the OW.
      You'll get through this, Kim. I hope your husband will get treatment for his own issues. Even if alcohol wasn't an addiction, the fact that it was causing problems for him is reason enough to make quitting a priority. It takes men a lot longer to become full-blown alcoholics than it does women...but it generally begins as a "problem drinker".

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    4. Thank you so much elle.
      I have been reading up on so many things since I found out but this is the only one which is more personal and has so many stories from people actually going through the same thing, rather than someone just assuming what it's like.
      thanks again, I really appreciate it

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    5. Theresa, I feel exactly the same as you. I'm still as angry and upset about it, the pain feels like I found out last week. And I completely agree how much it sucks that we haven't done anything wrong, yet it's up to us to "make things better". It drives me insane when he tells me to try to take my mind off it. I just want to scream that he didn't take his mind off her when he was having an affair! I don't know what to do yet either, just trying to take each day as it comes

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    6. I have been reading this blog all day and having been a victim of infidelity myself, I still have not found the one answer I've been searching for since the day I found out which was 1 year and 7 months ago... and yes, it still hurts as if it was yesterday. Anyway, my question is, why is it up to us to now "sort it all out" or "make it work"? When you all speak about being stuck, that's what I'm stuck on. I can't seem to get over the fact that, not only did my husband ruin everything we had, or what I thought we had, but now he's made sure that I have to work harder to "keep those images" out of my mind... I have to "refocus" my energy when I'm feeling sad... I have to try harder to not let it ruin my day...etc...etc... so the fact of the matter is, it never goes away because if I'm not thinking about the hurt and the betrayal and the disappointment, I'm "working on" not thinking about it. So it's just another slap in the face every day and I'm finding it incredibly difficult to look at "what we've learned" from it all and how our marriage could "be better than ever"... maybe I'm just too bitter but I think that's crap! How can a marriage be "better" when one person can just be so blatantly disrespectful and dishonest? Do these men (or women) really think that they were so perfect?...that the issues they were having within their marriage could have been resolved WITHOUT them having an affair? My husband insists that he needed to hit rock bottom to know what he wanted... really???? So, he didn't know by the 12 years of marriage, the family we built, the home we created, the life we made??? Somehow, screwing around was the answer???? Can we say COP-OUT? I don't know how to get past it...the sadness is a part of my every day life and I'm mad as hell that, because he's a selfish a**hole, I now get to deal with that on a daily basis. What gave him (and the little hoochie that knew he was married...oh yes, she knew...she worked at OUR FAMILY RESTAURANT!!!)...what gave them the right to mess up my life like that? I have never hurt like this before and I've been through some crazy sh*t! My Dad was killed in the WTC attacks on 9/11...we later got to watch my mother die a slow, horrible death from lung cancer, 5 years, almost to the date..9/14/06...their deaths were tragic but they weren't directed towards me, no-one died just to hurt me...they didn't have a choice... my husband had a choice and he chose to be with her and risk it all... to me, that just shows how very little I meant to him, how little our children meant and how very important she was. The worst part about it is that he is a child of divorce and he often speaks of how sad it was to watch his dad walk away when his parents split up...yet, that didn't stop him...that's how much she meant to him, that's how insignificant our life together was to him... I'm sorry for this rant, I guess I've been hoping for something to come of all of this, for it to "get better" or "get easier"... it's been a year and a half and it hasn't...perhaps it's just time for me to stop trying so hard and do to my family what I never wanted to do, but again, why is it on me to keep the family together? None of that mattered to him, why is it my responsibility, why does he even deserve to have this family? The hard truth is that he doesn't...but why then, does it feel so bad to tell him that it's over? I know I'm right, I know this wasn't my fault, I know I deserve better...so why do I feel so bad? Nothing makes sense.

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    7. I am literally going insane. In one instant I'm sure I want to work this out and the next instant I'm calling it quits and packing my bags. I truly feel like I'm crazy, my emotions are in a constant battle with eachother, always fighting for the front seat of this emotional roller coaster that I'm on. My husband says I'm just staying mad because I don't want him to "get away with it"! Like, holy crap!!! Really??? Um, so he thinks that I purposely feel like shit every day about the bullshit marriage we apparently had (which he informed me of AFTER the affair...thanks so much for the heads up, asshole!) ... anyway, so I'm just staying mad to punish him... must be because feeling like 12 years of your life was a joke and meant nothing to him and feeling like I'm too fat or too old or not pretty enough and feeling complete humiliation and disappointment that THIS is the man I married, that THIS is the role model for my kids... yeah, I hang onto all of that just to piss him off!!! Another day ruined... I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. :-(

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    8. Tess, here... Kim, I'm sorry that you are going through this... I'm sorry that any of us are going through this. I actually went and deleted my original post because it had my name on it and I started to feel anxiety about just how many of us there are and wondered if someone I know could be on here... only a few close friends know about my situation so I thought it was best to delete my name. Here's one of my biggest issues... and maybe I just need to lower my expectations, but, what's with the "we now have a better, stronger, marriage"??? Um, isn't there a better way to get to a better place in your marriage than to destroy your wife??? Call me crazy...

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  13. Hi, I caught my husband having an affair 10 months ago. His affair lasted 3 months. Then discovered 4 months ago about his porn usage. He told me that he had been watching porn for about two years, but not very often. He stopped both immediately when caught. We've been working on our marriage. He became completely transparent, is never late coming home from work, texts and calls me multiple times a day, and leaves his phone out for me. I quit checking it. I do check his phone bill records online though. I no longer trust him and after the online porn issue, I linked his phone to my computer so that I could monitor his online searches without him knowing. Not very nice of me, I know. Anyway, everything was fine, a couple of FB searches on models but nothing pornographic and I never made an issue out of it. Then 4 days ago, I check the search history for the few days previous and find tons of porn sites/videos all in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping. Everything from 18yr olds to 60yr olds, all sizes, shapes, etc. He doesn't seem to have a preference. Every night. I should mention that we never go more that a day without having sex, and we kiss and cuddle and hug frequently, so it's not like he's starved for affection. I haven't let on that I know about the porn. He's smart enough to delete his phones search history so he has no idea that I know. I haven't confronted him yet for a couple of reasons. The first being that it's so close to the holidays and I don't want to ruin that for our kids. I already feel incredibly guilty about how disconnected I was in the first 6 months after discovering his affair. The second reason is that I want to see just how far he takes this. He always denied online affairs and adult chat/hookup sites and I'm curious to see if he lied about that. I was blindsided before. This time I know exactly what's going on and am able to give myself the time to figure out what it is that I'm going to do and how exactly I feel, without any pressure from him. I've read up on porn addiction and would like your opinion. In hindsight it seems that if he is a porn addict then his affair was most likely a result of that. If that's the case, do you think that a relapse into excessive porn use will likely lead to another affair? I view porn as a form of cheating and am not taking this matter lightly. I know that whether he's an addict or not, he has a problem. And while I do love my husband, I'm not sure that I can stand by him through another addiction, there's been a few over the years that he's overcome.

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    1. Porn addiction is far more common than most of us realize. And yes, I would also assume that his porn addiction led to the real-life affair.
      He's clearly got a problem that is beyond his own control. Addicts tend to have multiple addictions so it's not surprising that he's battled other issues in the past. He might be "dry" but it sounds as if he's not "sober" -- i.e. he hasn't really dealt with the underlying issues that lead him to seek escape in various substances/behaviours.
      I don't know that disclosing what you know will necessarily "ruin" the holidays unless he's unwilling to own up to it. I wouldn't fess up about how you know. But I would simply tell him that he needs to come completely clean on what he's been doing...and come up with a plan that makes it sound even mildly appealing to give him the chance to deal with it without kicking him out. While I completely understand the hurt and fury associated with finding out about a partner's cheating (and yes, I'm with you: a porn addiction is cheating when it's hidden and lied about), your goal is to ensure that your children's father (whether or not he remains your husband) is a healthy, whole man capable of emotional intimacy and empathy. Porn is the opposite of that. Try to think of him, first, as someone who needs help. You can decide later whether he's worth another chance.

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    2. Thank you Elle for your opinion. I confronted him and he denied it. I told him that I saw his phone and he tried to pass it off as a one time thing. That he was just curious. I asked for his phone, he handed it to me and I started reading off all of his searches and videos he's watched, there were a lot. at that point he couldn't deny it any longer and told me that it had nothing to do with me. I told him that I already knew that, but that it still hurt like hell. I told him that to the extent that he's using it and that he's passing me over in favor of it that it is cheating. I didn't let him know how I'd tracked his usage but I did tell him that I'd known what he was doing and that I noticed a change in his personality almost immediately. He didn't like hearing that. I asked him what he got out of it and he said often it was like a cocaine rush. I'm not sure I understand that as I have never used, cocaine was an addiction he fought early in our relationship. He told me that he didn't need to do it, and I thought yeah, right, heard that before. He gave me his phone and said that he doesn't want it anymore, I told him that the phone isn't the issue, that it just made what he was doing more convenient. He said that he isn't a good man, has put me through hell and he doesn't even know why. He said that he doesn't want to lose me but that he doesn't feel like he deserves me and that he knows I'd be happier with someone else. I'm not really angry about it this time, more just sad. I'm not sure what to do about this. He needs to deal with whatever issues he has otherwise me giving him another chance will just land me back in this same situation. And honestly, I've spent most of a year doubting and checking up and investigating everything he's doing, and I'm tired. I've checked around and the nearest therapist that treats porn/sex addiction is over 3 hours away, so that isn't going to work. I am glad that I waited a while before confronting him, it gave me a chance to really process how I felt and be able to handle the situation using my head rather than my emotions. Sometimes I look around and wonder, how did this become my life?

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    3. I often think "I don't deserve you" is code for "I'm going to continue to break your heart." I think unless he's willing to get treatment, the heartbreak will continue. My husband did phone counselling with a sex addiction counsellor for close to a year. Is that an option? And is this something your husband is even interested in doing? It's got to be because HE is sick of himself and his behaviour. He needs, in addiction parlance, to hit bottom. Sounds as if he's still planning to stay in the muck for awhile.

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  14. I love my husband, I don't want anyone else or to look for another person or start a new relationship. God knows I have thought about having an affair (with a single man) 33 years years is more than a marriage.
    I know he loves me and is really deeply sorry and remorseful. He wants to put it all behind us. Forget it and move on. Rebuild our life. So why can't I.

    I've lost our house due to me pushing and starting a business that failed. At the same time our first Grandson was born premature weighing 4 1/2 pounds 7 weeks early.
    She knew all this while she was going home to her family run business that was doing well, big house, kids at private school etc. Part of her business is a Wedding Reception venue. While she was helping people start the first day of their marriage, she was ruining mine.
    She really was having a laugh. I have found out so much about her, more than he knew. I have told him about her and I think he feels stupid.

    Its been 20 months and still as painful as when I found out. I have learnt how to suppress my feelings, only when something happens or I have a trigger it surfaces like an ugly monster. I have so much anger in me.

    He still wont tell me the truth and I never got to read any text messages, so I feel really cheated. He says that he does not think about her, only when I bring it up. That does not help, my imagination goes into overdrive. I feel i deserve the truth otherwise he is still in the affair, telling lies.

    I don't understand Affairs! They nearly always get caught. If not they have to live with the guilt which must be excruciating. They can't have feelings for 2 people at the same time. That's why and when they say 'their heads where not right' 'not thinking straight'.

    The affair lasted 7 months and I think it would still going on now if I had not found out and stopped it. He said no it was coming to an end when I found him with the other phone. But they met up again and carried on speaking, when I didn't believe him when he said he was called sex lines. he was truly smitten. When I pieced it together, I called a PI and paid for her details from the mobile number then went to her house and when she saw my car in her driveway she had to come clean to her husband. The end of the affair!! but then out came the 'I MADE A MISTAKE' really I guess you both knew that from the beginning.

    I am really sorry for repeating this again. By re writing I feel that someone is listening. It really helps me rewriting.

    God Bless to you all xx

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    1. Jane,
      You've had a LOT to deal with over a short period of time so it's not surprising that it all still feels so raw. Do you have anyone (ie. a counsellor) with whom you can work this out? The failed business is undoubtedly a big source of your pain too. Your grandson's premature birth must have been frightening for you and your own child. You need support. And your husband's blasé attitude likely doesn't help.
      That said, I'm not sure you need more details. You know what happened. You know what she's like. It sounds as if HE knows what she's like. She's no longer a threat to you or your marriage. Your keeping it alive by focusing on it when I suspect you should be focusing on yourself and getting clear on whether or not you want to stay in this marriage. Some people simply can't or won't get over an affair. It is truly a deal-breaker for them. And that's okay. There's no right or wrong way through this. But be honest with yourself. Figure out how much of your anger (which generally is a disguise for hurt and fear) is about the affair and how much is directed at yourself for the business/money problems. What do you want your life to look like in a year? Or five? Do you want him by your side (exactly as he is right now)?
      And yes, we're listening. And wishing we could make it better. But we all know that we each walk our own path to healing. What does yours look like?

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  15. Tess here... I've read almost every post & written a few times but to be honest, I don't feel any better, any different. I keep hoping for something to make sense but I'm baffled by all of this "we're in a better place" or "we are now better for it" talk. I know I must be missing something because it seems to be very common, but for the life of me, I just can't wrap my head around "the good" that can come of all of this. Like, what's good about learning that 12 years of marriage was a lie? all of those moments that meant something to me, that felt like we were building something...lies. the "rock" that i depended on to ride the storm with me, crumbled when the going got tough and basically just said "f**k it" to everything we had because he couldn't deal with real life - because his selfish perception of marriage was that HE should always be happy. so i'm trying hard to find the peace in knowing that the marriage that we had is gone & that marriage, btw, was very normal... i liked our marriage, i actually used to BRAG about our marriage (what a dumb ass i was, huh?). so why did i have to give up the marriage that i liked because he wanted something else? why do i have to lay that one to rest so that we can rebuild another marriage? i like the old marriage, HE didn't. I didn't need a "better" marriage, HE did. I didn't need to hit rock bottom to know out how important he was, but yet, (and this is where I get stuck over & over again) this rebuilding crap is all about him again! everything is all about HIS issues & how HE couldn't deal with shit & how HE needed to feel important because HE didn't get enough attention or sex or whatever the f**k his excuses are for what he did & now, I have to pay the price. It's now up to me to be better, to learn how to turn off the hurt & the anger so as not to rock the boat so that we can build this "new & improved" version of us when, truthfully, there wasn't anything so terribly wrong with the old us other than HIM. Now, I know you think that means that I think I had nothing to do with it...well, you're right...I'm a big girl, I never thought, nor did I expect that marriage was going to be a rose garden...what I did think, however, is that when the shit hit the fan, when life got all up in our face & one or both of us wasn't at our best, when the hassles of work, the house, the kids or just normal, every day bullshit clouded our ability to be husband/wife of the year, that we were gonna stick it out. that, underneath the ugly that is sure to come up, we were good, we had eachother's back... and so, when we got to a point that I felt like we needed a reboot, I went out and got a boyfriend & my husband and I lived happily ever after!! WAIT, WHAT?? No, of course that's not what happened...doesn't that just sound ridiculous??? of course it does...so, why the f**k do they need us or a counselor to tell them that? isn't it just obvious that it doesn't work that way? What I did do, tho, is tried to get us back on track. I set up sitters so we can have date night, tried going to the gym with him, just little things to get us to reconnect. he did it for a while but then had excuses not to. looking back, that's when the bitch started working with him so i'd imagine that she had his attention very early on & so he didn't give our marriage the attention it needed...this is why i said the only thing really wrong with our old marriage was him - he didn't realize that for better or for worse actually meant that things could potentially get worse! IDK, perhaps I'm just too black & white about it all but i'm in a very lonely place & i'm reading that so many of you on here are in a "better place" or are at least trying to be & after 17 months, i'm so far from better, I actually feel worse (hah! there's that better/worse thing).

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    1. Tess,
      What you're reading are the experiences of people who've made it through that dark hell that you're in right now. I could have written every word of your post -- right down to the 12 years of lies. And it took me a long time (years!!) to get to a point where I could focus on what I have now and not feel bitterness about the shitstorm that he'd created.
      That said...you don't have to do this. You absolutely can walk away knowing full well that he created this mess and that all you're doing is wiping his shit off your feet and moving into your future.
      If, however, you even think you want to rebuild a marriage (and yes, I can see how that word makes you angry but bear with with...), then there need to be some ground rules. For starters, he needs to be in therapy on his own. It sounds as if he's got a lifetime of issues to sort through. He also needs to completely own what he did. There's no point in even thinking about rebuilding a marriage until he's prepared to acknowledge that he dismantled the marriage down to the studs. He needs to completely get that. And he needs to want better for himself. He needs to want to be that guy you thought he was. And then he needs someone to give him a map for how to get there.
      That's completely on him. It's not your job to fix him, it's HIS job.
      In the meantime, you buy yourself some time to figure out what you want going forward. Do you want to stay in the marriage? Do you want out? Do you want a trial separation? Focus entirely on you and what you need to heal. This is not a sprint, it's a freaking marathon so lace up.
      If you choose to stay...and you're beginning to see positive change in him thanks to him working on his own stuff...then you can begin to rebuild a marriage. What do you want to keep from the "old" marriage? What do you like about each other? What did you choose each other? What was working? What wasn't? What's your plan when issues do arise? How will you handle conflict?
      That "better place" so many of us talk about...it comes when you two people are committed to being healthier individually, which contributes to healthier relationships in all arenas.
      That "better place" for me came when I began to value myself independent of what I did for people. I began to, finally, recognize my own worth in and of myself. That was huge for me.
      Perhaps others can weigh in on what it means for them. But none of us get there quickly. We have to go through hell, which gets incrementally better, for quite a while. Months for some, years for others.
      But don't put pressure on yourself to get there. It will happen, one way or another. You'll get there on your own and realize you're okay without him...or you'll see that he's there right beside you, having gotten there on his own.

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    2. Tess,
      I've had SO been where you are. I felt like my options were sacrifice my children's happiness or sacrifice my own. I was so angry. I resigned myself to simply never feeling better.
      Thing is, if you're willing to do some hard work to really get clear yourself, you'll figure this out. For one thing, kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. Better for them to endure an amicable divorce than a cold war.
      But what I really in your posts is your own self-loathing. You're so angry with yourself. For being older and "fatter". For allowing him to do this to you. I know you're angry with him too (and rightfully so) but I want you to begin being nicer to yourself. You can never control him...but you can control yourself. Healing begins with you being gentle with yourself. With letting yourself off the hook. Affairs aren't about fat wives, they're about asshole husbands who get high on the look in someone else's eyes that tells them you're sexy and exciting and interesting. It's fantasy. It's escape. Meanwhile, you're dealing with kids and everything else.
      He betrayed you. But don't betray yourself. You didn't deserve this. (Incidentally, I hope this woman's ass was seriously fired.)
      Read the latest blog post by Steam. She'll remind you that you will get past this. But it starts with self-forgiveness.

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  16. thank you elle. i work my ass of at the gym, and recently have taken it to a whole other level to release my anger and pain. i feel sorry for the weights at times :) its the nights, when my children go to bed that are the hardest for me, as im sure it is for most of us. knowing i am going to sleep (thankfully i can sleep) just to wake to another day of trying. it gets tiring. i am hopeful that sooner than later the day comes where i can live life fully again. i see the light, its reaching it that is the hard part.

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    1. You'll get there, I promise. Takes so much longer than any of us would have thought.

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  17. We have been together for almost 16 years and have 3 beautiful kids. My husband is my world and up until a few months ago we had a what I thought was a perfect relationship. He had been having a hard time since he went back to work this year which was fairly normal because he works for his dad and they really don't get along very well. I noticed it was worse this time but he said it would go away so I didn't bug him to much about it. His dad is a real jerk and works my husband way to much and never appreciations or pays him any of the overtime hours like he is says he will. My husband is a logger and every year they are off for a couple months because the ground is too soft. Every year my husband gets more depressed about going back to work but where we live there are not a lot of options for work and he feels obligated to his employees to go back. He has always had a bad relationship with his father and just wants to hear him say good job but it will never happen. Anyways what I am trying to say is this year he was really not doing good and I was trying to help him get past it like I always do then I woke up one morning in extreme pain. After going to the emergency room I found out I had a herniated disk in my neck was put on pain pills to help until they could get me in to fix it. He does not like to see me hurting so that just made him even more depressed that he couldn't fix it so he started drinking a lot to deal with how he was feeling. As of now I am still dealing with my neck and I am probably going to have to have surgery to fix ot. It has been about 5 months since I found out my husband cheated on me. He told me about what he had done because he didn't like lying to me about it we are very close and talk about everything and he didn't want me to find out before he had a chance to tell me. It was a about six times over a 4 week period before he ended it. He told me it ment nothing and he had no feelings for her and told her that from the beginning but when it started he was drunk and made a stupid mistake. I believe he is sorry and has done everything to prove to me that it won't happen again. He has told me many times that it had nothing to do with me but I can't help but feel like if I was there for him more it wouldn't have happened. At first I was doing really good I thought we were getting past it but lately I have been obsessing I've the ow and I am afraid I am pushing him away. All I can think about is how could she do this she knew he was married and didn't care. I know her and have talked to her since the affair and she told me everything because I thought it would help me if I knew about all of it. For a few months I was fine then about a month ago I started obsessing about her and how much I hated her. We live in a small town so I can't help but see her and I am always friendly because I don't want anyone to know at this point only the three of us know about it. I can't even handle hearing her name it makes me so angry. I don't know what to do or how to get past this I don't have anyone to talk to but my husband and he has been very good but I can tell he is starting to get irritated over it. I would appreciate any advice you can give me I feel like I am going insane.

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    1. I can imagine you do feel like you're going insane. To have only the people who hurt you as allies in this must feel excruciating. Is there anyone you can find to speak with? A therapist? A pastor? A good and trustworthy friend?
      You do have us. And let me start by assuring you that nothing you did or didn't do made it okay for your husband to step out of your marriage. If anything, the question is why was he unable to be there when YOU needed him? That's the whole point of marriage, if you ask me. To support each other through the tough times. It's easy to be there when things are good. It's when we're down that we need someone in our corner. So please, stop blaming yourself for anything right now.
      As for obsessing about the OW, do you still feel as if there are things you'd like to say? Though I wouldn't encourage contact, you might want to write down everything -- from how devastating this is to how incredulous you are that she could get involved with a married man to, well, whatever. Don't mail it. Just write it down. Get it all out. Exorcise all that anger. If that doesn't work, consider screaming into a pillow. I ran until I was exhausted. And then ran some more. The key is to get it out in some form or another. You've got a lot of hurt behind that anger and it's important to recognize that. Let yourself feel it. Trust that it won't swallow you whole. Ensure that this woman is well and truly cut out of your lives as much as possible.
      And please...see if you can find a therapist. In another town, if necessary. By phone, if necessary. (There's a peer-to-peer counselling line for betrayed wives. let me know if you want the contact info.)

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    2. Thank you for responding I am hoping that talking to you guys on here will help me get past this obsession I have with the ow right now. I forgave my husband and we have been working on things and I thought all was going good but lately I just can't get her out of my head. I have never hated someone so much I don't know what to do. My husband has apologized many times and told me it's all his fault not mine he was the one that screwed up and he regrets it. He has cut all contact with her and has done everything I ask. I know I probably should still be upset with him but I am not I really believe he regrets it and wished it didn't happen. I just need someone else that understands what I am going through to talk to. I don't think there has been a day that's gone by this last month that I haven't thought about calling her and telling her what I think of her. Then the last few times I have seen her in the store and last night had the privilege of being behind her in the checkout and she asked me how my Christmas was and talked to me while she checked out. I was pleasant but inside I was screaming. How do I get passed this without ruining my marriage.

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    3. J,
      Of course you were screaming on the inside. Most of us would have been screaming on the outside. You do NOT have to play the nice cheated-on wife. In fact, I would urge you to make it very clear that you are not the least bit interested in making small talk with this person. She is dead to you (figuratively. Don't do anything that will land you in prison! :) ).
      Wear an elastic band around your wrist and any time you think of her, give it a snap to remind yourself that she's poison to you. If you must, give yourself an allotted time -- say 10 minutes -- to allow the most horrible thoughts about her. How you'd like to run over her with your car, for instance. And then, when time's up, move on with some other activity or distraction. Consider writing a letter in which you let her know EXACTLY what you think of her. And then burn it. The key is to get the anger out...without actually doing anything that will bite you in the ass.
      Conversely you can tell her next time you run into her that you're done playing the nice girl. From now on, you can tell her, you have no intention of acknowledging a woman who clearly didn't acknowledge you as a wife.
      However, it's generally wise to have as little to do with the affair partner as possible. Look past her. Don't smile. Don't make small talk. Pretend she doesn't exist. If people notice you can feign innocence. But please know that at this point, you're giving her your power. Take it back and I suspect the anger will dissipate.

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    4. I have to say I have considered running her over with my car then backing up and running her over again:) not that I would ever do it but I do think about it and for a little while I feel better. I have imagined doing some pretty bad things to her but would never follow through with them. When this first happened I was so scared that he would want her instead of me and I bent over backwards to make my husband happy and to be nice to her. I know right now you are probably thinking I am crazy:) I just didn't want to loose my husband he is my world. The one day he finally told me to stop he was the one that fucked up not me he was the one that should be kissing my ass not the other way around. He told me what a wonderful wife I am and that it was not a competition and it never was. He told me he never wanted to get married or have kids until he met me he had seen what a horrible relationship his parents had and never wanted to go through that but when he met me he couldn't imagine life without me. He did say he was kinda glad it happened not that he crushed me and broke our trust but because it reminded him how much I mean to him and how he couldn't imagine being without me. I know everyone is probably rolling their eyes and calling bullshit but I kinda felt them same way we were kinda in a rut. We forgot hiw to put us first. He is a logger so he is gone long hours and I take care of everything around the house and get the kids to everything they need to do. Since this has happened we have become closer and we make sure to make time for us and it's been great we are much happier now that we make time to be a couple instead of just parents. All was going good until about a month ago when I started obsessing about her.
      I don't know why it bothers me I was sitting there when he told her he would never leave me. She told me she never wanted anything serious with him but I think she was lying. I think she was hoping he would leave me she is 10 years younger like to hunt and drink with the guys and has really big boobs I mean what more could a guy want right. He told her she ment nothing and it was a stupid mistake and I think that made her mad. He doesn't think she wanted more but I could see the look in her eyes she wanted more. At first I told him I didn't care if she text him as long as I could read the texts I was afraid to demand to much because I didn't want to push him away and he would only respond to her in short texts and never text her first then when he got home he would show me. I was afraid he was just deleting other messages but checked the phone records and he wasnt. She even came by our house a couple times and had a beer after I found out and one time she was very drunk and showed up with a couple of our friends just the way she looked at him made me want to beat the shit out of her hut my husband never took her eyes off me never looked at her it was like she wasn't there that made me feel a little better. About a month after my husband said I should get the tattoo I wanted which was an infinity sign with our initials I have wanted it for about a year now I said he should get one too thinking he would say no he hates them always said he would never get one but love them on me I already have his name on my wrist and our kids around my ankle while we were there he got one I was so surprised he said he wanted to show me he was completely committed so now he has an infinity sign with my name on his ring finger. That really pissed her off because she quit talking to him completely. I just want things to go back to normal and I don't want to be afraid to leave the house because I don't want to run into her so I am hoping that talking on here will help.

      Sorry if I jump around a lot or don't make sense sometimes I have been on pain meds for my neck and I have a hard time concentrating:)

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    5. J,
      I think it's great that you feel comfortable enough to allow texting and visiting, but I also think it's a bit crazy. Cut her out of your lives. She's not a friend, has never been a friend. Why invite crazy into your home?

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    6. My husband has cut off all contact with her. He could tell I didn't like it and quite responding to her about 4 months ago. I play nice because I am afraid if I piss her off she will tell everyone what happened. I really don't want to deal with the whole town knowing. The only good thing is that most of the people in this town don't like her and think she is a lying bitch so they don't usually believe her. So I guess it's deal with her possibly telling everyone or play nice when I run into her. I know it's easier to just be the bigger person and move on she didn't get what she wanted and I believe my relationship with my husband is stronger because this forced us to focus on us again. I don't know I guess she is not worth my time and I need to move on. I think being able to talk to someone has helped maybe I can let go of all of this crazy.

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  18. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. You have multiple issues which, IMO, need to be separated.

    #1 - Your husband's issue with his father is HIS problem, not yours. Do not mingle or justify his actions [having a fling, violating your trust, drinking] with his relationship with his father. There is NO justification for him having sex with another woman.
    #2 - It is not OK, but people do have unemotional sex because they have ISSUES and PROBLEMS. My therapist drilled this into me. Your husband, like mine, is responsible for what he did. You are not. His father is not.
    #3 - His telling you 'because he didn't like lying' and you talk about everything...sorry but I call bullchit. His choice, his action. HE did it, not you.
    #4 - Stay away from the other woman. She had sex with your husband. You owe her nothing. Not a smile, not a kind gesture, nothing. IMO, your obsession with her has more to do with your husband failing to truly explain to you Why. I still wonder why. Mine justified his behavior in his head and to this day, has no remorse. I consciously decided not to learn more about the fuck buddy. The energy I have I choose to focus on my healing. This is HARD.

    If you have any access to a therapist, please be kind to your Self, make an appointment and learn how to deal with the betrayal. It is not a quick fix. Your husband will benefit from therapy too.

    Keep in touch with this site. Read every entry. You will find knowledge and support.

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  19. I know he did it and he says he is completely responsible and that it had nothing to do with me. He has apologized and says he regrets doing it. He has cut off contact with her and done everything I have asked of him. I believe he is sorry and that it won't happen again. I just want to be able to move on and I thought I was but this last on the I have been obsessing about her. Then I had the pleasure of running into her in the store and she thought she would talk to me like nothing happened. It's not even that I am that upset about the affair anymore I was at first but was getting to the point of hardly thinking about it when I started obsessing about her. I just don't think it's fair that she gets to just go on lile nothing happened and do it to someone else. My husband was not the first married man and I an sure won't be the last. She had flirted with my husband a few other times and he had always told he to fuck off he is married. I don't think he even know why he didn't tell her that this time but he takes all responsibility for it. I just want to tell her what a horrible person she is and that maybe she should learn to close her legs and not hit on married men. She won't get anywhere with my husband anymore but now is back with her boyfriend that was married when he met her. I know it will do me no good to tell her it's just not fair that she can just act like nothing happened.

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    1. Then don't allow her to act as if nothing happened. At the very least, make the consequences include that she is no longer welcome in your lives. You can't control the rest of the world, but you and your husband can control how you respond to her.

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  20. I met the OW in Petsmart. I thought I saw her at the register, walked by and then said the hell with it went back to the register and openly in the store said, "Whose husband have you found to phck now? What gave you the right to go to bed with my husband? (She cowards down, shoulders slumped). How dare you think it was ok to date, phck my husband. She walks out then a friend she is with says, "she is dating a man who owns a huge farm from the delta" I said " really she was not only phcking him, my husband but an air for e sergeant from Columbus. Then her friend said "they never did anything". At that point I walked out to parking lot and she is standing there waiting on her friend so I say " I know everything and stay away and stop calling our house. We love each other and worked things out. He loves me but we have one thinks in common were both used. He scewed us both. You really got screwed. Stop calling our house! I saw all the texts then proceeded to go through them ( I just about memorized each one. "PP help me I fell last night and need some TLC". She nodded her head. Then really loud across the parking lot I said "better have yourself checked for herpesvirus Kindergarden teacher". She said "you going to listen to me or him. We never did anything. ". I said you have an STD". She said you better have yourself checked out. I hollered Tell that bitch to leave us alone and stop calling our house". It felt so good. So how you think so low of yourself to put up with the woman who phcked your husband, thought she was entitled to him? I would do everything to make her feel like a piece of shit. I figured the very worse has happened to me so there is nothing left I can go through that bad that hurtful that destroying. Let it all out you deserve it. If I knew the OW was going to be there I would says to my husband "this situation makes me fell insecure will you hold my hand tonight? Will you unexpectedly give me hug or two. After he OW sees that then she won't be around long. If your husband is not willing to do that in front of her is red lights going off. I heard the OW is scared to death of me. Good riddance she should be. If I ever see her again I'm going to do the same damn thing I did before. If she was so brazen to come on to my husband well so am I. I know Karma is really going to give me another opportunity and I'm looking forward to it.

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    1. I would love to see her face if I was to just let her have it in front of everyone it would feel so good. :) Unfortunately I know I won't do that because then my kids and family would find out and she is just not worth it to me. It does help me to read other people's stories and to know I am not the only one going through this. I have my good days and my bad but lately they have been mostly good. I followed the advice on here and wrote her a letter today it felt really good to put it all on paper. For some reason I felt the need to make my husband read it. I think he was a little surprised at how evil I was in the letter because I am usually pretty forgiving but she doesn't deserve that. I will never send the letter and should probably burn it tomorrow so I don't do anything stupid with it when I am mad. I know I have some bad days coming up it will be 6 months in a couple weeks and my birthday I am hoping once I get through that things will get easier.

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    2. Writing a letter can be really cathartic. It can also help us clarify our own feelings. But yes, wise to burn it. You can always write another!

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    3. Yes, writing letters, or in my case "emails" can be extremely cathartic. Only I didn't burn them, I sent them! I also sent the OW an email that was absolutely priceless! I've been with my husband for 33 years and married to him for 27. Mother effer is going through a major mid-life crisis with major depression. I feel like I live in the twilight zone where nothing is the same. Writing those emails was cathartic but actually SENDING them is what is helping me the most. And just in case anyone is wondering, I never mention "killing" anyone (even though I'd like to run them both over). I'm not willing to spend any time in jail for those two losers!

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  21. Unfortunately, in my case it's hard to make a piece of sh*t feel like a piece of sh*t. I just hope that my husband understands what she is and how manipulative she is/was. In defense of some husbands out there, some women will do or say anything to "win" a man. What happened to earning love and respect?

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    1. I think trying to get OW to "own" their piece in the devastation is an exercise in futility. They often a hundred different reasons why it's not really their fault. And in some ways, I believe that. While I wish ALL women (and men) didn't get involved with married people, I recognize that there are enough damaged people out there who delude themselves that it's somehow okay.
      Far better to focus your efforts on healing your heart.

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  22. (part 1 of 2) Hi, Tess again... 1 year and 9 months since I found out but they were together for 3 months prior. I have tried to figure this out for the sake of my family. I know kids are resiliant and I'm sure if we divorced over this it wouldn't be the end of the world, but I wanted to give our family the opportunity to stay together because the kids didn't ask for this, they don't deserve this, I just didn't want that to be their fate so I tried really hard to get to a better place, but I haven't. Very simply, I don't forgive him. I don't forgive his choices to be with her when he should have been with us...to cultivate his relationship with her when he ignored ours. I tried to get us to a better place long before I knew there was someone else. I knew we had issues, I begged him to work on getting refocused. So many things have happened in our lives, as does with every marriage, & I recognized it and wanted us to get back on track...he ignored my requests. I now know it was because he was busy with her, he couldn't possibly give our marriage the attention it needed or he would've had to give her up and he chose to give up on us instead. I could go over the many details but you've all been there so insert your story here <***> & fast forward to the here & now...after all of the lies, the stories, the excuses, the denials, more lies, more excuses...is he better now? Sure, but shouldn't he be? I mean, she's no longer around so nothing is stopping him now. Perhaps that's supposed to mean something, or at least that's what he tells me. He's "still here"...he's "trying to be a better husband"... well, that's great, but shouldn't he have thought of that BEFORE? Basically what I get out of all of this is that as long as he doesn't have her, I'm important...when he had her, I wasn't. And that should make me feel better? I feel like yesterday's leftovers. He says he didn't have sex with her so it's "not as bad as I make it out to be". Even if that were true, which I doubt, I mean, he's lied about everything else so he doesn't have to admit to his own vile behavior, but again, even if he didn't actually get around to having sex with her, the fact is that he WANTED to. It's like me saying to my husband, "hey, that guy over there is really hot, too bad you're standing here because I would really like to fuck him!"So, I'm not really gonna go have sex with the guy but now my husband knows I'd like to, doesn't that still hurt? He allowed this girl in our private lives, telling her about our "horrible marriage" (so horrible he couldn't leave me), telling her intimate details about things we dreamed together & how we've gotten off course, letting her believe that there was no love, a dead marriage... meanwhile, I was working my ass off at home trying to support these dreams we dreamed, raising his children (and such fine little boys, I am complimented every where I go, I work so hard trying to raise good little human beings).

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  23. (part 2 of 2 from Tess) So here I sit, knowing that I wasn't good enough... our lives, our family, the ups, (I guess he forgot we had good times), the downs, (which are a part of life, & I was happy to go through them with him), none of it was enough...enough for him to say no the 1st time, to feel ashamed the 2nd time, to regret the 3rd time, & so on until being with her was all he wanted to do & everything I thought we had meant absolutely nothing to him. And now, he wants the chance to prove that he loves me, he had that chance, for 7 months...he chose her… the chance to "get his wife back", the wife he so easily kicked to the curb when something younger & prettier came along…the chance to make it right...what he did to me will never be "right", not now, not ever. Not even after a marriage counselor finds out "what's wrong with him" or "why he did what he did". To me, that just gives him a free pass...let's label him as having "daddy issues" or "insecurities within himself". The harsh truth is he didn't care, he did what he did because he wanted to, plain and simple. If he didn't want to, he wouldn't have. Why he wanted to is irrelevant to the pain I feel...the humiliation, the sadness, the disappointment, the distain, the anger, the list goes on.
    We went to the marriage counselor for the first time yesterday. She made us talk about our "feelings" which I expected but I don't see the point in therapy when he has no intentions of being honest. He told a half-truth but tried desperately to dance around it so it didn't seem so terrible, when, in fact, it was pretty terrible but that's what he's always done, minimize his actions or maximizes issues to make me appear crazy and irrational, like telling this girl how terrible our marriage was while I flip through years of photos, love letters & cards he had written to me, it's no wonder I didn't see it coming, I thought we were pretty solid. We had our share of problems, but I truly believed we had a good core...silly, silly me. In the end, the therapist thought that I should go a week without talking about the affair. I failed that assignment but I felt it was unfair to put that on me after his half-ass admittance to another date they had (I knew he was w/her that day, he just denied it until yesterday when he told his "half-truth"). So I was to not speak of the affair & we were supposed to be affectionate & laugh as much as possible this week. How can I be loving & sincere towards him knowing he's lying to me AGAIN? Seriously folks, am I crazy because I couldn't do it???
    I guess I'm not a good healer and I'm certainly not a good "forgiver". Maybe next time around he'll cheat on someone that can "get past it". I wish I could but more than anything, I wish he thought enough of me in the first place that I wouldn't have to.

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    1. Tess,
      Every bit of your anger is absolutely justified. I don't blame you in the least for the RAGE that you feel at this stupid bastard who betrayed your trust. No question, he's an ass.
      And I, frankly, think asking someone who's still so angry about the affair (and with someone who can continue to minimize your pain) to not talk about it for a week is just plain stupid.
      However...at this point, your anger is going to eat you alive. So here's what I want you to think about.
      Behind that anger is a mountain of hurt and fear. You also have a mountain of self-blame. It sounds completely insane but THIS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. I don't care what your husband is saying about the state of your marriage, blah blah blah. He cheated because, as I said before, moral failing met opportunity. All the "my marriage sucks" bullshit is just a way for these guys to avoid feeling like crap. It's a way to justify their choice.
      But I'll say it again. His affair wasn't about you. It was about him. It was about falling for that feeling of someone adoring him. It was about excitement. It was about feeling sexy and interesting and smart. He fell for the reflection of himself he saw in this other person's eyes.
      Affairs are about escape. They're about fantasy. Real life, with its ups and downs, is temporarily suspended.
      NONE of what I'm saying means I think cheating is okay. I think it's decidedly NOT okay. But I am saying it can be forgivable. We can, if we choose and if our partner is truly remorseful, come to accept that they realize just how blinded they were to what they already had. That they regret what they did more than anything else. That they never dreamed their actions could be so devastating. Those who are cavalier about what they did? Not worth a second chance. But those who are truly willing to do everything it takes to acknowledge the depth of the pain of betrayal, to really understand the impact of their choices, to get to the bottom of WHY they made such a devastating choice...well, it's always our choice, but I think they're generally worth giving a second chance. People screw up. Some make life-changing choices and have to suffer the consequences. Some have greater insight and stop short of completely screwing up.
      What I know today is that my husband is a far more insightful, far more self-aware, far better partner today than he ever was before. He was a great guy -- fun, smart, kind-hearted, generous. But he had little patience for "feelings". Consequently, from what he learned from going through his own metamorphosis, he's able to extend compassion to our children when they're struggling with life, to me, to...well...anyone. He's present in a way that he simply wasn't able to be.
      But that was MY choice. We all need to walk our own path through this and emerge in a place that's acceptable to us. It's possible to "forgive" and still not want to be married to him. You get to decide what's right for you. But start making your choice from a place that knows that you always were enough and you will always be enough. He didn't cheat because of you. He cheated because of him.

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    2. Thanks again, Elle, for your kind words and your wisdom. I envy you and wish I could be so clear headed in my situation. I'm having trouble figuring out if he really IS remorseful. Some days I think he is but some days, I just feel like I'm being the fool again and he just got better at hiding what he's doing, I mean, if nothing else, he had to of learned a thing or two about covering his ass. I'm so lost, I can't ever imagine getting back to my old self. The self who didn't ask questions, I should've asked more questions...the self who didn't check his phone, his email, his briefcase, how did I miss all the signs?? I hate feeling anxious and sad all the time, yet, I can't seem to let my guard down... I just don't trust him at all and not only that, trusting him now doesn't change what he did before...I'm so stuck there, I can't get past it and I'm so mad that he gets to look like the rock star when we go to the MC. She tells him he should be doing this or that and he's like, "I already am", so I just look like the idiot who is still upset even though my husband is now coming home and calling when he's gonna be late, etc, etc... On paper, he seems to be trying but I didn't see it coming before so what would make me think I'd see it coming when it happens again? I won't, especially with what I said before about him getting better at hiding shit. I know what you're saying about him seeing a reflection of what he wanted to feel in her eyes, but shouldn't there have been a point during their shenanigans that he felt bad or ashamed? What kind of man goes on and on when his wife is crying day after day and begging him to stop whatever he was doing?? (prior to me finding out, I knew something was up and I begged him to stop before he destroyed our family...he didn't stop) How do I ever look at him and respect him as my husband and the father of my children? I truly am at a loss. I really do get the whole "let's find out why he did it" crap, but really, that won't change that he did it and that whatever excuse the MC comes up with to get him off the hook for what he did, I still don't think that anything he was going through justifies his behavior. When he saw what was happening to me and to our family, he should've felt bad about it and stopped. He didn't so I guess I didn't mean enough to him, but she sure meant alot because he was so willing to give up everything we had for her. I'm at a loss about that. Honestly, I just wanna crawl into a hole and die. I hate my life. I hate what I've become. I am not myself and it is affecting every aspect of my life. And the kicker is that that whore just walked away and went about her life as if nothing and he gets to "be sorry" and try to act like a good husband, (which, btw, he's not doing anything he shouldn't already have been doing in the first place!) and I'm left feeling completely paralyzed within my sadness. I am broken and I just don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

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    3. I might be clear-headed NOW Tess...but at the time I could have written your exact post. I HATED that he had done this and that I couldn't scrub that knowledge from our lives. I honestly wanted some sort of brain injury that would erase that knowledge. THAT's how crazy I felt.
      That's the beauty of this site, however. We've been there so we can more easily see what you still can't. And that is, that you'll get through this. I do think, from what you're saying, you're experiencing PTSD, which is not uncommon post-betrayal. The hyper-vigilance, the fear of letting your guard down, the berating yourself for not seeing it sooner, etc. Please talk to a counsellor about YOUR healing.
      And maybe it's too soon for marriage counselling. Maybe it's time to simply focus on your own recovery from this. To sift through whether or not you really want to be married to him. It's perfectly reasonable to walk away from this. Nobody has to stay if they can't rebuild any genuine respect or admiration for their spouse, and plenty simply can't. Give yourself that option. Allow yourself to really determine what YOU want going forward. Let him focus on his own stuff (and while it's important, I think, for him to understand what allowed him to make the choice he made, it absolutely is NOT a free pass for his behaviour. It doesn't make it okay...it just makes it less likely to happen again).
      So...talk to someone about PTSD and your own healing; and consider ALL your options, including walking away, even temporarily.

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    4. Although this post is over a year old I can completely relate to it this could have been written by me I am 5 months in to this hell and I can't bear the pain anymore, I would love to know how this turned out if you're there anonymous please let me know how things are a year on and I hope you're okay, my h is coming back at the weekend I kicked him out 3 months ago I have been really bad this last week and dont know why it's worse now, he says I'm being negative talking about it all the time but he needs to understand he's broken me and my kids but he wants everything to be jolly

      Delete
  24. I wrote this letter to the OW, one month after my husband confessed to me about his affair. I was so devastated and heartbroken that I needed to get this off my chest. I mailed it to her job and home.......

    Dear CXXXXX,
    Let’s just be clear, there was never a contest. The minute the “bubble” burst, it was over before another breathe was taken. It was always me and it will always be me.

    I was there when he was making $300 a week delivering bread at 3:00 am.

    I was there when he played softball every Sunday.

    I was there when we bought our first home.

    I saw the unconditional love in his eyes when he first held our son in the hospital and I was there when he uttered beautiful, sweet words of love in my ears.

    I was there for our son’s first bath and watched him gently wash, dry and dress our beautiful son with awe in his eyes and love in his heart.

    I was there every day during our good times and our hard times.....watching his heart break as he father passed. He was there for me when I miscarried our child and then again when my grandmother passed and numerous other times that are none of your business.

    I was there for every moment over the 19 years as we struggled whether it was financially, emotionally, or physically because of health issues. And together, we have dealt with every issue as a team, a family, a bond that you almost destroyed.

    And you,

    You were there for a moment.

    A brief moment when we were tired; when he was tired of struggling financially and dealing with family issues….of trying to keep everything together.

    A moment when he was looking for something; something that made him feel wanted, like he was coming first, like someone had his back. A moment when someone complimented him on his appearance or laughed at his jokes.

    You were there, wanting and willing he would fall….become weak.

    You were there for countless text messages throughout the night, office conversations and your 2 sexual encounters and your endless make out sessions, which devastated me.

    But I’m a strong person….and I realize how strong a woman I am thanks to you. I’m a strong woman and most importantly a strong mother as most mothers are. You see…..most mother’s do what needs to be done for their family and will encounter and make any “wrong” right for their family. I’m okay with that because what I provided in strength, he matched in support and we equaled each other in love. It worked. We worked in the past and continue to work together now.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Part 2

    I could pretend to be strong now, but that would be a lie because this broke me. Although physically I’m ok, emotionally I am broken. I had enough and instinctively I knew something was wrong and I refused to live a lie and I didn’t want to handle it anymore in silence. That’s why I approached you that day. Thinking as a woman you might understand the hurt and pain. But you didn’t. You continued to play your little games and so did he. Until he told me….and told me everything….he told me how you meant nothing to him…that you were an easy ear and quick fuck….he told me that He loves me and is still in love with me…..Eventhough you were trying to get him to leave me. You wanted to hold him and be with him and told him that on numerous occasions, yet he came home to me every night. He told you that he didn’t touch me…..but he lied to you. You tried to use your tears to make him feel guilty for coming home to me. You told him you had feelings for him and you didn’t want to be with anyone else. Why would you want to be with anyone else since he is a great person….but what you seem to forget that he belonged to someone else and his heart was never with you. Remember that.

    We started in love and he will always love me and be a part of my life…..

    Not enough for you yet?

    What he did had nothing to do with us. Or you….It was all him, his weakness, his selfishness, his chance to be strong and he failed. At that moment he failed, but to write off our love is something neither of us wanted to do……Initially I was ready to leave but I realized that I still loved him. And we won’t separate… or divorce…..eventhough you might have really wanted/liked that. Our counselor (yes we are in therapy because we are trying to work things out; and I think our relationship is worth it and because he comes to every session I know he feels the same way) said that every relationship has a “changing moment” at which point, the relationship ends or becomes stronger. He wants our relationship to be stronger and so do I.

    I obviously acknowledge the fact that you have issues and it will prevent me from announcing to the office what type of person you are; what type of woman you are..…I know you struggle to find someone to love; someone to love you as completely as he loves me (I know you are thinking if he loved me he wouldn’t have done this and I said the same thing, but therapy is helping me to understand you can.) Amd you tried to get him to “love you” but it failed. I won’t pretend to understand you. I would never and could never understand you or what you did. Does it make you “feel” good to lure a married man? (Not that he would have ever left) Don’t you feel empty inside. Don’t you feel used? How can you even look at yourself? Was it worth it?

    ReplyDelete
  26. Part 3

    I would pity you if I wasn’t so distracted by my hate for you. “There is a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women” Madeleine Albirght.

    On those occasions he came to you to talk, rather than say call your wife.. you probed him and asked him whether he loved me or was in love with me….and he couldn’t answer you….you know why….because he didn’t want to tell you that he loved and was in love with me…..He was enjoying himself and wanted HIS cake and he ate it too. He didn’t need or want you. He used you to distract himself. I thought he was stronger, but I guess you found his weak point and attacked him during a weak moment. I’ll admit I thought he was tough enough, but I guess he wasn’t and it has effected us…..our relationship…...our marriage…...our family. But it was a mistake….a big mistake….but still a mistake. I don’t know how much you knew about us, our history, or our struggles, but I guess not enough to care about who would be hurt by your actions. I’m not excusing him at all….but if I want this to work I need to forgive him.



    He was wrong. He made a big mistake. He used you to forget moments of desperation in his life, but now my eyes are open and I will never let little things go unnoticed again. I’m sure he told you that he felt unappreciated and maybe it was my fault to never recognize what a good guy he was, but believe me that will never happen again.

    You were a mistake…...a horrible, hurtful, stupid, selfish, heartbreaking, devastating mistake. That’s all you will ever be.

    I am his true love and he has confessed numerous times since his mistake, that he is love with me. That will never change.

    Mistakes aren’t always forgiven, but we have something special and amazing and we are on our way to getting the trust and communication back. The love has always been there. I will forgive him. Maybe I am the strong one after all.

    You will always be weak, pathetic and lonely. I won’t apologize for my words, but I have told him on numerous occasions that I hope that the pain you have caused me and my family will come back to you tenfold in the future.

    Remember, our love isn’t perfect. It isn’t a fairytale or storybook and it doesn’t always come easy. It’s about overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It is a short word and very easy to spell, but very difficult to define and impossible to live without. Love and marriage is work, but most of all, it’s realizing that every hour, every minute, every second of it is worth it because you do it together. I leave you with that and think about your actions next time you find yourself in a situation because I know that are the type of woman who will get into the same situation again and I do pity you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing that. I hope you're able to put her behind you where she belongs.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous, your letter could almost be my letter. I cried reading it and I applaud you.

      I absolutely love the strength that I see on this bog every day. We should all be so proud of who we are.........

      Delete
    3. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes because so much of this sounds like the letter I wrote but will likely never send to the OW.
      I've always been "the strong one" but this has brought me to my knees. I spend a lot of time digging deep within myself to find that strength again and fighting off the absolute disgust I have for the OW. If I did not hate her so much, I would almost feel sorry for her as her actions were so pathetic.
      I am so grateful to have found this site. It's encouraging to know that there are real people out there who feel what I'm feeling and who have chosen to stay in their marriages despite the pain involved in the healing process.

      Delete
  27. I found out 3 1/2 weeks ago that my husband of more than 17 years had been having an affair for the previous 16 months. He is a pilot and met her on a trip to Denver (we don't live there). He had seen her on only 5 other occasions during this time period, although those time periods were for 2-3 days at a time. The rest of the time, it was through phone calls and text messages. She was the one who came on to him knowing he was married, she wanted to "walk him back" to his hotel room to "make sure he got there safely", she had the condoms, she told him that she loved him first, she sent him a link saying that kids of divorce come out ok, she contacted him after he tried to break it off 7 months ago when he told her he wasn't leaving me. I truly find myself hating this woman. My husband ended it the night I found out, and he has been an open book since. I'm not going to say that things were great between us prior to the affair- they weren't. He had a lot of anger and resentment towards me. Make no mistake- I am not condoning what he did. I had an emotional affair 3 years ago and I did everything you should NOT do during the healing process. This caused problems. It is also helping me deal with what he is feeling. He said very quickly after talking to a counselor that he knows now that he never loved her. It was just easy. They were on a vacation every time they were together and had no every day life problems like he and I did. He has been wonderful these weeks dealing with my anger, sadness an 20,000 of the same questions. My issue is I can't help but let this woman control my thoughts. I am doing what I can to not allow this to happen, but it is tough. I know now the affair was never about her. He has not contacted her and cut off all contact. I have access to his phone records, email, Facebook- everything. She is blocked from all forms of communication. He answers my questions even if he knows I won't like the answers. He is very focused on our future and on making our marriage stronger than ever. He and I have had some of our best conversations ever. We went in to counseling the day after I found out, and he has been open and honest. I must admit, the "why" portion of this is huge as is the "how could you do this" question. I know this is not indicative of his character, and I can truly see how torn up he is about what he has done to me. I wrote a letter to the OW and never sent it. It was a good one. I know now that he was never going to leave me. It actually makes me feel better to know that she may be suffering over this and over the realization that he was never going to leave. He made the decision to stay with me instantly as soon as he knew that I knew, actually even before. I wish I could figure out how to get this person out of my head. She is living rent-free in there, and I want her gone. I am happy that he and I are going to get through this- I know that we will. I am just scared I am going to do damage by pushing her away if I can't stop.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So many of us hyper-focus on the OW and it makes us CRAZY. You can do some behaviour modification stuff -- snapping an elastic on your wrist each time you think of her (her=pain), picturing a huge stop sign in your head when you think of her. One woman on this site imagined her head on a supermarket chicken's body, which would make her giggle. I imagined the OW running naked down the street with me in my car ready to run her over, which, again, made me laugh.
      We are not our best selves when we think of the OW. But that's okay. The key is to change the narrative in your head. She's there as a threat. You're giving her that power, even though you know intellectually she wasn't a threat. She was simple convenient.
      Keep reminding yourself of that. Any woman who shepherds a married man to his hotel room, has condoms and then e-mails him a letter about how his kids are going to be just fine once she's installed as their new step-monster is quite seriously messed up. It actually makes me quite sad. I wouldn't be surprised if this woman had shed quite a few tears over this situation too. Nobody with an ounce of self-worth would do what she's done. Throw herself at a married man and immediately being imagining a future based on...what exactly? She's someone to be pitied not hated. And certainly not threatened by.
      You'll get there. Plenty of us go through the 'obsessed with the OW' stage. Just do what you can to ensure you don't stay there.

      Delete
    2. Thank you, Elle. I realize in a rational state that she isn't a threat and never was a threat. The affair was never about her. It was about what he thought he was missing from home and it gives us a great point of focus. I actually found a picture of her online when she was about 100 pounds heavier than she is now (a fact which she neglected to tell my husband) so now that image plays in my head when I do think of her which makes it much easier. I wrote her a letter yesterday that I will never send but I am hoping it helps some of the anger go away. It seems like it has a little. I am very optimistic about my future with my husband. He never once hesitated as to where he wanted to be. He wants a future with me. We have been going to counseling which has helped tremendously. I am doing all I can to focus on the future with him and not the pathetic blip on the radar that was her. She was stupid to think that she had a future with him based off of 10 days together in 16 months and all telephone and text conversations as well as the fact that he was married with children. She's not worth my time or the space in my head. I like the rubber band idea. I am going to try that today. Thank you!

      Delete
    3. Dear Anonymous,

      My pilot husband had 2 affairs with flight attendants many years ago while our children were very young. Don't know if the OW you mentioned was part of the Coffe, Tea, or Me club or just a random desperate woman stalking the airline pilot. The first FA was merely about sex. She was married, a chatty good listener, and no doubt flattered to have the young captain pursue her. The second FA was a single mother looking for the captain and his pension and as it turned out she was the fatal attraction OW who actually came to our house and left a kitbag with all the souvenirs from their affair in our garage. After 6 mos, my capt. Broke it off and she told him the same crap. The children will be OK and I'm sorry you're not strong enough to leave BS. I did write a letter and mailed it telling her not to come on my property again or I would take the kitbag to her supervisor. Think she may have been scared about losing her job cause harassing a fellow employee's wife is definitely not cool.
      Some people have asked how I did with the constant traveling and wondering if my husband would not cheat again. I decided to make plans to how I would raise my children on my own if I had to, but eventually through therapy I came to realize that I most likely would be attracted to someone like my husband so why do that. He was extremely remorseful, gave up going out with the crews and drinking. Probably he was so burned by what happened that affairs just weren't appealing. Super confident problem solving take charge personalities do well as pilots but those big egos need to be stroked. Not all pilots cheat of course but the opportunity of being away from home with a paid hotel room makes it very easy.
      If I were you, I would read Frank Pittman's Private Lies and some other bks on the list of this site. Therapy should help but more than anything it will take time, too. Our counselor said two to five yrs. for me now 27 yrs later there are still triggered, pop- ups or intrusive thoughts but not like in the beginning. Most likely I've had lingering thoughts since the STD I got from one them may or may not be linked to the head & neck Cancer I got.

      Good luck as you sort things out.

      Delete
  28. Hello all - I am just about 2 months past D-day. I found out when the OW's husband showed up at my door with his laptop and a picture of his wife/my husband outside of a hotel. To make the long story short: OW was our cleaning lady for 9 years and her husband did some work on our bathroom a couple of years ago. OW and my husband started texting for a couple of months this fall and they agreed to meet at a local hotel while I was away for 1 day on business (and my travelling was a rarity). I was traumatized of course and am putting the pieces back together. H was my love and best friend, but we had been experiencing issues since we had our son 4 years ago. I was at a point, pre-affair, where I was trying to reconnect with him as I new we needed work. So, the timing hurt especially as H had not been receptive to my attempts at talking about our issues. Ouch. Fortunately - H came clean when I confronted him, was incredibly remorseful, realized he had made the worst mistake of his life, and has done everything I have asked from attending couples therapy, to discussing boundaries, to redefining our commitment and providing me with access to all of his devices/accounts. I think we will survive this in time. But an affair is the gift that just keeps on giving.....

    -Merry (not so much anymore)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Merry,
      Glad you found us. I think you'll survive too...but it takes a long time to truly move through the pain. Give yourself that time and trust that you'll get there.

      Delete
  29. Hello all,
    Terry Telephone here...

    I want to say a few words about D-Day.

    It is not always just one day.

    Yup, folks - I've found out that D-Day can go on for some time. If you have a husband or wife who gives you "trickle truth" your D-Day can last for much more than one day. Your wandering partner may tell you 'everything' and throw themselves on the mercy of the court --and then-- several days, weeks or months later they will tell you another '"trickle". Then another "trickle" and on and on and on...

    I'm sorry to be the bearer of unpleasant news but it has been happening to me for months --and-- I do not think I am unique in this phenomenon.

    Anyone else been here?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes! I discovered there was at least an emotional affair happening. Confronting my husband gave me little information. If I didn't have enough information for him to confess, then he would lie. I spent four months playing detective and confronting him. He continued to lie and tell partial truths. Finally, found the nail for the coffin after four months of searching for information. Every day felt like Dday. The story just got worse every time I discovered some new truth.

      Delete
  30. Hi, this is the first time I write in a blog, but I need to find a way to survive my husband's betrayal. I found out that my husband was having an affair in July, 2014, it shattered my world, he was always kind never saw him upset on almost 8 years of marriage, I found messages and he said it was a mistake, but he hasn't provide answers that will help me to feel that this is over, and just recently he was messaging back with her. Not sure what to do, I do not have family near by and not sure if I can move on and continue this marriage. All I know is that it was only via emails and messages but it is not an excuse for what he did to me and how I am feeling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So sorry to hear you are going through this. Don't minimize the emails and messages. They are just as damaging if not more than the physical contact. If your H really feels it was a mistake then he needs to find out why he did this and fix that first. He needs to be participating in figuring out what went wrong. My H and I did marriage counseling and individual counseling. It really helped us understand our situation and how to work past it. This can also help you to decide what to do. Stay strong and focus on what you want. None of these decision are easy decisions. Take your time and do what is right for you. I initially kicked my H out so I could think things over. I needed to clear my head and having him constantly around did not work for me. But that is me and there wasn't a day that went by that he wasn't working on fixing it. Your are worth fighting for. Don't think you aren't. I too did not have any family (near or far). You can set the rules and decide what you are willing to tolerate and what you need to get through this. There may have been issues leading up to this that you are aware of, but that does not give him the right to stray from the marriage, physically or emotionally. I hope it gets better. You are NOT alone.

      Delete
    2. Anon,
      Julie is right. You are not alone. We're all here to share what we've learned, listen to your story and remind you, over and over, that you'll get through this.

      Delete
  31. D-Day for me was January 27, 2014. My husband and I had what others believe it was the perfect marriage. Married for 18 years, so many people would tell us how we were meant to be together people who knew us and even strangers. I knew privately that we had problems that needed to be addressed. I was able to get my husband to go to marriage counseling on two occasions, both very short-lived because he would not continue to go. I requested he go to an a mongo relationship weekend I also wanted him to go to an intimacy retreat with me ... Of course, none of that happened. And then suddenly he was telling me that he wanted a divorce. He didn't make any sense. Even with our problems, we communicated daily went on dates and adventures had sex regularly albeit less than we used to. From November 15 until January 27 I watch my husband and utter confusion as he would tell me he was leaving in one breath and expressing his Love for me and another… At one point, he even asked the singer at a large restaurant to announce to the restaurant how much he loved me. I was doing all that I could to help him in his state of confusion. Arrange for him to see a medical doctor and convinced him to see a counselor. Apparently he shared with the counselor the fact that he was having an affair the counselor told him she could not keep a secret and if he wanted to use her services he would need to come clean with me. About two weeks later I had lost my patience with the situation and told him I did not want to live in such ambivalence. That is when you told me. He had been seeing someone else. Even hearing the words now, it doesn't seem real.
    Of course I went through all the roller coaster of emotions, but mainly in the beginning, I'd say I was numb.
    My response to his revelation was two absolutes number one no contact with the OW (A term I certainly did not know at the time) and number two counseling in fact he was to contact the counselor that day and make an appointment for us. And with that, the counseling will continue until the counselor feels it should end. (and I was one of those women who always said if my husband ever cheated on me that would be the end.).
    My husband has been extremely remorseful, patient and willing to answer any question I ask. Of course the depth of his remorse, overtly, and the amount of time he is willing to answer questions daily, has decreased.
    We are both keenly aware that we are working on this marriage, and both want it to be successful, yet there are no guarantees, given the trauma an affair inflicts on the marriage bond.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Continuation of previous post. My apologies for typos etc. it's not easy on a small phone
    Finally, I am looking for guidance. Although my husband has been more than forthright when I ask him questions and details about the affair, he is having the greatest difficulty when it comes to timeline. The affair was actually in two parts, the first back in 2011 which was an emotional affair and the second somewhere around 2013/2014, the physical affair (and no doubt continuation of the emotional.). The OW is someone my husband had dated (slept with) when they were back in their 20s; they hadn't seen each other since then until 2010 when there was a reunion. I met her at the reunion, A weekend event, and ironically became friendly with her.
    I am sorry this is getting so lengthy. The point I want to make and the guidance I am looking for is…should I contact The OW to find out the timeline of the affairs. The other night I had an absolute setback when I found out that one of the timelines my husband thought he was remembering correctly (I had asked him to follow up with another friend on) and he was way off on the timeframe. Time has never been his strengths and in the grips of an affair fog hey frankly is clueless. I know he is not holding out on me because he has answered other questions truthfully with answers that one would know your spouse would not want to hear.
    Even though we are not friends on Facebook, I can message her and simply asked a question. Most of my research says not to contact the OW, and I feel like this is going to eat me alive. It matters to me when this affair occurred. I know that betrayed spouses further along after D day will say it doesn't matter, but perhaps it doesn't matter to them because they found out the details, are simply the passage of time. Why is it so important to me? I have all my voicemails and texts from those time periods…did he stop calling me pet names? Was there something I should of noticed? Where was he telling me he was going? What life events happened during those times? Frankly, although he maintained that any good times we had with me during the timeline when he was seeing her were real. He maintains that he always love me and always had a good time with me. not the same for me… I would feel that those time periods in our marriage would be tainted. As it stands now there are some time periods that we are able to piece together ... And it has helped me immensely to stop the ruminations and heal the pain. I will not bash the OW. In fact, frankly, I don't even hold her responsible… My husband is the one who had a commitment to me that he broke. She had no commitment to me…The commitment she broke was to her three daughters and her husband.
    So my message to her on Facebook would be heartfelt and simply asking the question ... What was the timeline for both affairs. I truly feel she will know. Women tend to pay attention to those types of things more than men.
    Thoughts please? I truly want to heal and move forward… And in so doing work on healing my marriage. Thank you all for your love and support. This site has been a Godsend to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Think Elle and many others will tell you not to contact the OW. Why would she tell you the truth? She's a liar. She lied to her husband, loved to sneak around , and considered you if she thought of you as some sort of person she didn't respect. You were in essence invisible. Consider her one of those mean girls in high school. Oh believe me, I totally understand the need for the timeline. I wanted to know exactly what period of MY life was fake. Which family pictures were just of my husband pretending, not really being with us, and thinking of her. Many years later I finally got the name of the first OW and promptly looked up the slut flight attendant. Did I want to friend her? Of course but didn't. Because that would tell her I cared. She is disgusting, don't give her any attention because lying is one of her strong suits. As for the second flight attendant she was the soulmate who became the fatal attraction woman. At the advice of our therapist I left her alone even tho she wanted to provoke me. Don't provoke the cobra! Lots of people in these dramas do crazy things with guns or other ways. Think of her as a snake and let her slither off. Doesn't mean your thoughts of needing the timeline will go right away but think of it as eating a whole bag of M&Ms. Eventually you just get sick of it and figure out you are wasting too much of your life on it.

      Delete
    2. Pilot's Wife is right. I think your need to sift through your history and figure out when he was truly there with you and when he was conflicted is a natural response to trauma. We think that if we can understand and figure out the signs, we can somehow protect ourselves from it happening again.
      That said, I think the damage the OW can inflict by being cruel or asking for your forgiveness or refusing contact can be too great and set you back in your healing. I think it's safe to say that your husband's mind was in two places from the time he reconnected with her until he puts her firmly in the past. The rest is details...and honestly don't make any difference down the road. I got plenty of details from my husband and I couldn't tell you now what they even are (thankfully!).
      Focus on you and your husband. That's your present and your future.

      Delete
  33. Part 1
    It's been 1 year and 8 days since D-Day, I thought I was doing ok, I thought I had done the right thing but now I feel as though it was the day I found out and I just can't get out of this hole I'm in. I am so unhappy, the person I look at in the mirror is not me, I don't recognise her at all, but I don't know how to find me again, I'm paralysed by fear and pain and don't know how to drag myself out of it.
    My H is my second marriage, I ended my first marriage, my ex-husband was/is an alcoholic and was never present in our marriage or the life of our two children and after 14 years I just couldn't live with it anymore so me and kids started a new life together. A year later I met the man who would eventually become my second husband, my knight in shining armour, everything that a girl would wish for in a relationship, the perfect relationship! 4 years later we got married. Not long after the wedding I knew something was wrong, he became very distant and distracted and wouldn't talk. He agreed to go to counselling, after a few sessions he told me at the end of one meeting that he felt the relationship was over, no explanation, just over, it was only 5 months after we got married. A week later I discovered that he had been seeing someone else for 4 months. I found out by going on his computer, he had set up a fake account on FB and stupidly for him he left his message box open, there were all the messages they had sent to each other behind my back. I was surprisingly calm maybe because I had my understanding of what had been going on for the past few months. I confronted him, he didn’t deny it, he just looked pathetic and told me I wouldn’t understand!!!!! WTF!
    Then the pain of it hit me, I was in shock and didn’t know what to do, he still wouldn’t talk and our marriage was over. I was distraught, I have never felt pain like it and It became a very public break up I turned to everyone, I just didn’t know what to do.
    To cut a long story short a few weeks later, I started moving out and then he had an epiphany and realised we had had a wonderful thing together and he wanted us to try and get that back. Talk about having the rug pulled from under my feet again. Was I weak? Maybe, but after a lot of soul searching and talking I agreed we would try again. He messaged her and told her it was over, he said it was relief that it was over. I sent her message also, I think I was very dignified in my response but I wanted her to know how much she hurt me and my children and my family, she managed to keep everything that went on from her family. Oh the temptation to tell her partner what had been going on, but I didn’t think it was fair to cause pain and suffering to any more people, she could sort her own mess out.
    I still moved out, I felt the space between us would give us some time to focus on ourselves as individuals and really understand who we were and what we wanted. We went back to counselling together and this time he talked openly and honestly, we talked and he told me everything about their sordid little affair. My H has no emotional awareness, but he needs to feel good about himself, he looks to other people to give that to him. In his mind our relationship was over so he put a lid on that box and then moved onto to something else that would make him feel good about himself. I asked the questions and he gave me answers even though they were incredibly painful, but I had to know, he took a part of my life and made it a lie, he was lie. I am still overwhelmed by his ability to be so calculating and deceitful. Whether it was the right or the wrong thing to do I read all 90 odd pages of messages they sent each other. What a b**** she was/is, she didn’t even know me yet said some horrible things about me and my children, she knew he was married but still went ahead because she was unhappy in her own relationship and wanted someone to make it right for her!!

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  34. Part 2
    They were two pathetic desperate people, so in love, soulmates! Ha! They would meet up once a week for a few hours and in between sneak messages to each other at every available opportunity, He took her to a cheap hotel twice, that was the bit that really hurt, but he said (and I don’t know if that was to make it seem it wasn’t so bad) it felt like he was meeting a prostitute!! That’s exactly what she is.
    9 months later we moved back in together I felt we had got to the point where we were living in limbo and if we were going to try and make it work then we had to move forward. This has also caused a massive rift in my family, some of my family don’t want to have anything to do him and don’t want him to be a part of our family, part of me understands that, the man I was once so proud of I don’t like to talk about to anyone because I’m ashamed of him and what he’s done the hurt he’s caused and I feel ashamed of myself for taking him back. Why do we go back? What is it that compels us to try and work it out even when they have done the most hurtful thing you could ever imagine? I know ultimately to move on I have to forgive, what that looks like right now I don’t know? I guess once it’s happened your life is never going to be the same again.
    So two months in and here I am feeling like its day one again. My H has put a lid on what has happened and now has his new job to focus all his efforts on. We don’t go to counselling anymore as he felt it was costing too much and we didn’t need it anymore. When I try and talk to him now he just looks at me and says there is a lot going on and it makes things difficult for us. He says he doesn’t worry about the things that I think are relevant or important, I say he’s in denial about many things. I look at him very differently now I don’t really know what it is I feel… nothing, numbness, pain. My mind just won’t stop, I convince myself he is still in contact with her or someone else. I can’t live with this, I feel I have been sucked back into his web and I’m stuck in the middle of it. I used to be a strong, independent capable person that lived and loved life and got on with things, where has that person gone? How do I get her back?

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    1. Hi Johnny,

      I call myself Terry Telephone on this forum.

      I won't address your pain because mine is still much too fresh. I will however tell you this...

      The person your ARE is still inside you. She is bruised and injured and bleeding profusely from severe trauma. She is NOT gone. When my oldest son was in college he would call me with desperation when he was not topping out his Engineering class. I would tell him - You might be down but you are not OUT!! Go to counseling alone. Make yourself better than you ever were. That strong woman who was fearless and in-charge is STILL you. I know you want him to go but right now it is YOU who must lead.

      None of us here EVER expected to be here and NOT ONE of us had any idea that betrayal would cause us such pain. Mine was after 44+ years (when I woke up).

      Please go to counseling ALONE if he will not go. Please! If your insurance will not cover counseling - go to a psychiatrist who deals with PTSD.

      Take care of YOU!!!

      Terry Telephone

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    2. Dear Terry Telephone
      Thank you for replying to my post, I am realising that I need to take care of me if I want to to find my own peace and happiness again. thank you so much for your words of encouragement. Right now every day is a day of torment and anguish. I did find writing down my story was a great relief, other than seeing it being repeatedly replayed in my head it was very liberating seeing it written in black and white. I am making enquiries to find a counsellor in my area. I will do what ever I need to do no longer be defined by this betrayal that has been done to me, I will not be a victim to it. Thank you

      Delete
    3. Johnny,
      Terry is absolutely right. Healing from betrayal takes a long, long time. It's such a deep wound...and tends to re-open other deep wounds. But Terry is right in that YOU are still in there. You've built up a protective shell around you but you're there, ready to emerge and be spectacular when you've healed.
      Focus on you... I think, however, that part of your healing is making very clear boundaries with your husband about what is/isn't acceptable to you. You can certainly heal on your own...but that doesn't do your marriage any favours. If he truly wants to rebuild, then he needs to be a big part of laying down new foundation. This means being present for you, supporting you as you heal, being completely open and transparent, and therapy (assuming you felt it was helping). As Steam so eloquently put it in another post: My heartbreak, my rules.

      Delete
  35. Thanks Julie for your words, I kick my H out but he is not doing it because he is afraid I will attempt something that may put in danger my life, yes I am depressed but not to the point I will hurt myself. He is trying but my feeling is that I was the one who asked him to end with that relation, after months since the D-Day I am still finding lots of hints that make me feel that he is not over her.
    We went to couples therapy and doctor said that he needed to focus on my H sine he did not see anything wrong with me.
    I however went to individual one but in order to have closure I need to have a plausible explanation of why he deviate from our commitment, so far his answers are just nonsense excuses. He just was in a conversation with her one week prior our Anniversary so it hurts more.
    Thanks again for making me feel I am not alone.

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    1. Patty,
      You are most definitely not alone. Is your husband continuing in counselling on his own? Are you? There might not be anything "wrong" with you, but betrayal is devastating and it certainly helps to have a counsellor to guide you through and support you as you heal.

      Delete
    2. Thanks Elle for your support, he is not in counseling anymore, and I started mine just to heal! I need to learn how to forgive even that in my heart and mind know that we are not going to be together anymore, he is "fighting" for me but seems to be more out of guilt than true love, I keep thinking on every single situation, confrontation, words, etc and just hurt and confuse me more since I do not believe in him. In addition I am not seeing an effort or at least a clear message that will allow me to trust him which I know it is kind of impossible. I just want to turn the page and keep moving forward towards my happinness.

      Patty

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    3. Patty,
      Moving toward your own happiness sounds like a good plan! I think forgiveness comes with time. Don't force it. Forgiveness looks a lot like letting go...letting go of any hope of changing the past, letting go of the pain, letting go of expectations. You'll get there. Give yourself time.

      Delete
  36. Pilot's Wife and Elle, thank you so much for responding and offering such great insights. I am definitely not going to contact the OW based on what you both said. Yet I am certainly still struggling with the timeline. It seems every betrayed spouse has at least some idea of how long the affair went on ... Because of the on-again off-again nature of my husband's affair, coupled with the muddling in his brain, I truly don't know if it was a total of six months or a total of three years ... Elle, I guess I can think of it as you said, from the time he (re)connected with her, until he put her in his past ... he was in a conflicted affair fog ... finding no comfort anywhere, least of all within himself.

    On another note: On D Day, when he confessed to me ... because I truly had no idea ... through his sobs he said, "I wonder what your life would be like, if you had married someone as emotionally intelligent as you are?" Too often I find people place blame on the problems in the marriage, as to the "reason" for the affair. I am a firm believer that it is not about the marriage, it is not about the betrayed spouse, it is not even about the OW/OM - it is about the Wandering Spouse, their low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and low self-worth ... All of this 'feeling bad' about themselves happening at the time when the affair potential presents itself. In my H's case, he was struggling with a tremendous cut in pay, making the same that he made 25 years ago - Unfortunately, in our society, a man's worth is often equated with his wealth, and his ability to provide. It was at this time that she came back into his life and desperately needed someone because of her own lack of self-worth. The perfect storm.

    And in answer to his question about my marrying someone with the same emotional intelligence ... I will never stop trying to achieve greater emotional intelligence in this life, and I will never be truly self-actualized, Mother Theresa I am not �� ... Hopefully, I will not be able to answer that question, in regards to Marion someone else, because I love him deeply and want nothing more than our marriage to not only survive, but thrive.

    Thank you beautiful, strong women for being here for me and for all of us.

    Melissa (I didn't use a name on the first two posts, but see that is it is easier to follow)

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    1. Melissa,
      You're so right re. where to place the blame. Frequently the OW is damaged and seeking an escape from her own issues.
      Hang in there.

      Delete
  37. Terry Telephone, in response to your trickle truth post… My D-Day was January 27, 2015 ... I am only a month into it and know exactly what you mean… I believe because of the trickle truth I have revisited D-Day at least twice if not more. if you recall, I was the one whose husband could not determine the timeline of the affair. Although he was trying and could piece together the more recent events and timeline, I still had no idea how far back it went. I needed to know.
    A few days ago I was able to pull up the phone records and it was D Day all over again. He had told me that they rarely texted or called one another on their cell phones. He said any calls they made was through his work… And therefore they did not speak to each other very often and only saw each other every couple of weeks. As far as when they saw each other… I will never know. However, when I got into the phone records ... I was paralyzed with disbelief and grief as I looked at constant, daily texts to the point of being obssesive. They would text each other at all hours of the day or night. The only time the texts seem to break is when he went to work.
    He knew I was on the computer and what I was doing; he came in my office and I simply looked at him shaking and frozen and said oh my God you were so much more involved than you lead me to believe.
    As you can imagine, I was literally crushed and cried for two days. We had our marriage counseling session the next day and through my anger and tears I simply asked him when did you become such a good liar? And therein lies my greatest fear…I truly believe that in time I can forgive the affair, as I see it as a sickness. A sickness that needs to be treated psychologically.
    Why didn't he tell me the whole truth? As he put it because when he talks about the affair he gets very angry and ashamed of himself… And he feels like he's not only stabbing me but he's turning the knife inside of me. So he is trying to protect both of us. Again, unfortunately somewhere in his life he has learned to compartmentalize and depress his feelings. And with tha,t lying and cheating are easier because you yourself don't even truly realize what you are doing.
    I am so deeply fearful that that part of him, which he no doubt learned so long ago as a child, is so embedded in him that it may not be treatable.
    Finally, with the phone records I have some sense of the timeline at least a year and a half with the heavy, heavy texting. And because I simply must know… I have ordered records from AT&T to go back even further.
    continued ...

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  38. I'm not sure if my first part of the post took when I tried to publish it but here's the second part ... Melissa

    I asked him recently, between the emotional affair sometime in 2011 and the start of the physical affair sometime in 2013 or so I currently believe… I asked him were you in touch with her? His response was "not really"… I asked him what does "not really" mean? He said well "not really" like "no". I somehow in my worst nightmare believe that I will see that he was in touch with her for the entire time. And then I will have to cut out that portion of my life with my husband…. I have told him that anytime he was with her, I I did not feel that our relationship or our time together was real… He feels otherwise. Again, due to his ability (which is not a good thing) to compartmentalize he truly could lead a double life as if the other one did not exist.
    One other thing I discovered on the phone records… She had contacted him by text three times since D-Day when there was to be no further contact. Granted, he did not respond back to her… However, again I had asked him to tell me if she contacted him and I wanted to see the text… He did not do that. The sickening thing is she texted him on Valentine's Day. In our counseling session I expressed my desire for him to write another no contact text and for me to "" approve" it so that she knows their relationship is over and they will never be in touch again. He agreed to do it.
    Okay, I started this post to respond to Terry Telephone and trickle truth and then I got carried away because it is so nice to talk to people who truly understand. And, you will never understand unless you let it which is what we are all doing.
    Love and Light,
    Melissa

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  39. Melissa,

    I am 1 1/2 years post d day 1. I also went thru trickle truth where first they had sex a handful of times which ended being I don't know how many times over at least 6 months. Then 10 months later came d day # 2 with a physical affair whih took place about 10 years ago. That one involved a lot of arguing so was off and on again over I don't know how long but my guess is prob around a year.

    With the 1st affair I pain shopped a lot because it was 3 years ago so I was able to check my old agenda/calendar, go thru cred card records etc to try to create a timeline in my head since my husband couldn't remember details & didn't want to. By the time I found out about the second affair the details mattered less & there was no way for me to go thru such old records or for him to remember.

    1 month is so new, ur like in the infancy stages of this awful journey. If someone had given me the advice that ultimately the details & timeline don't matter I would have told them to fuck off; they matter to me. And they did, in the beginning. But they don't anymore & at some point when ur ready, they won't matter to u either.

    Good luck to u. I can tell u it will definitely get better.

    Love to u all,
    Sam

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  40. Thank you Sam. Yes, I have read and heard that the further you get away from D-Day the details don't matter. I guess my main struggle right now is that I simply want him to tell me the truth now. And he can't seem to do that. I do understand that he is not alone, there are many men who have affairs who have difficulty telling the whole truth about the affair out of shame, guilt, and anger to themselves. (They maintain it is because they're trying to protect us from further pain, however I believe it is truly themselves they're trying to protect in that they are so adverse to feeling. I have found what I believe to be more lies… And I wanted to approach my husband and give him the opportunity to tell the truth. I ran this idea by our marriage counselor and she agreed. However, I am now wondering if it is simply too soon for him as well. With only one month out… He is no doubt still in the affair fog. Will me, calling him out on a lie, take us backwards or forwards? Our counselor says that even the smallest of lies at this point is detrimental to healing. She said our entire relationship has to change ... everything must be open and honest in order for us to move forward. My intention was to approach him tomorrow, Sunday… I guess I'll just feel it out.
    Thanks again Sam. I love having the insight of someone who's walked before me..

    Melissa

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    1. Melissa,
      With counselling, he should be able to understand just how crucial it is that he always be honest with you. This is his chance to become a man of his word, to earn back any respect from you as being someone you can trust to be transparent and truthful. He's not "protecting" you, he's protecting himself from your pain. The good news is that he obviously has shame and guilt around this. But the bad news is that he's still lying/minimizing/etc. in order to avoid feeling the full extent of that guilt and shame. There's no way around this. Far better for him to do the difficult thing of telling you the full truth (he's likely terrified that you'll bolt) than this constant trickling of truth that re-opens the wound each time you learn something new.
      Have you read this post yet? Might help you (and him) understand just how important it is that he be open and honest:
      http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2014/04/my-letter-to-husbands-just-talk-about.html

      Delete
  41. Thank you Elle. I don't know if we read that post but I did come across some very good articles that I read to him prior to asking my questions. I feel that he was honest with me during that questioning session again as he gave me some information that was painful to hear. Now, I'm struggling with a new pain. I was able to finally ascertain that the affair, moving from friendship to emotional to physical lasted 4 1/2 years. That is such a long time. I feel as if that portion of my life was not real and that he certainly could not have loved me. He, however, maintains that it was very real for him and he loved me the whole time. He also maintains that it was such a spin that it wasn't until he realized how much time had passed that he started to feel panicky. He apparently tried to stop the relationship several times yet they always kept going back to one another.
    It is simply soul crushing for me to know that even when we were away on vacation, having what I thought was a wonderful romantic dinner, he would text her after our dinner and before he went to sleep. And it is so crushing to know that he could do this for such a long time without any apparent adverse effect on his health. He told me that when he was simply texting her, or meeting her at a park or any nonsexual event he did not feel guilty… And so when he came home to see me he was just fine. It was only later when they were becoming intimate that he felt nervous and upset when he saw me. Although he hid it very well because I never, ever, in my wildest imaginations would have suspected, nor did I suspect.
    I am only about five weeks out since D Day… And I've read that you should not make a hasty decision. (I see to wait at least 3 to 6 months) We have been trying to reconcile… And I must say things are going well, but in my heart I'm starting to wonder if we should simply call it quits. I break into tears just saying that… But I simply don't know if I can live with a man that I'm not sure if he loves me. He has always told me he loves me; he has always been very demonstrative with his love, yet how could he? How could he be so very involved with her for years and years and at the same time, make me feel so loved. Please share your thoughts with me ... I am in fact going crazy… And I know you all have been there.
    Thank you 💜

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    1. Melissa,
      It might feel crazy but it's actually pretty normal under the circumstances. Give yourself time. When you make a decision you want it to come from a place of clarity. Not just hurt and fear.
      In the meantime, establish your boundaries for healing: What do you need from him to move forward. This is his chance to show he's worthy of a second chance and your chance to figure out whether you want to give him one, regardless of whether he deserves it.
      As for the "how could he?" questions...affairs are insidious things that speak to our deepest insecurities. They give us escape, they're exciting, they make us feel alive. It's all a fantasy, of course. But it's an intoxicating one. The vast majority of affairs never survive the light of day. They're built on lies and make believe. Which is why so many people can compartmentalize. They're not real life. They convince themselves that "nobody" is getting hurt.
      Not that this rationalizes affairs but it might help explain them. Your husband, sadly, is a cliché.

      Delete
  42. Thank you Elle. Your words of wisdom always hit home… Whether you're speaking to me or I'm reading a post that you are offering to someone else. Thank you so much for your time and for truly caring about us. You are a jewel.

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  43. I had Previously posted on your other blog about the sex. My husband and I were highschool sweet hearts. Grade 10 we met, dated half way through grade 10 and stayed together after. He went into the canadian forces and I decided to go for my Early Childhood Education. Fastforward to about 4 years ago. We had a baby before getting married and when she was about 8 months I found out he was talking/texting some chick from his past. It seemed very heated, so I tossed him out and told him to go lay in the bed he created. He was hurt (I think shocked that I was actually kicking his ass out). That hurt bad.. I've never been hurt like that. And I had to suck it up for the sake of my 8 month old daughter. After about 2 weeks, he came home (looking like shit. Karma is a bitch) We went for about 6 months of counseling. I THOUGHT we were good. Things were getting back to normal, even the sex was better. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago. I've since then have become a stay at home mom (because child care is way too expensive for 2 kids) I've had a baby boy and my 8 month old is going to be 4. I found out he was cheating yet again on me! He had a one night stand with a chick that he didn't even know. He took pictures of what they did, and I found them on his computer! I was beyond devastated. It felt like a mirror inside of myself broke. I couldn't figure out how to put the pieces back and am still attempting to do so. I confronted him by calling him at work. I screamed at him and told him he was a pos. He called his mother (who was at my sister in laws which is almost down the street from us) and she came over. I love my MIL. She is very open minded and taught me a lot of lessons that I needed. She is warm and very loving. I broke down infront of her, basically called her and told her that I couldn't look after my kids at the moment. I was having a nervous break down. It has been 3 weeks, we are to go to couples therapy next week. I still hate him. But I feel pathetic for loving him. I want to run away but I won't because running away doesn't solve anything. I want to find this woman and make her hurt like I did. I want to hurt my husband by doing the same thing but Again I won't because I still love him and I couldn't lower myself to do that. I feel like i'm being pulled in every direction and I have no direction. I don't feel like me any more. I feel sad, angry, happy sometimes. I feel.. lost. Is this normal?

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    1. Anonymous,

      What a sad story, I'm sorry. You're not alone tho. This is the site full of many sad stories. For a young person, you have shown incredible strength and courage. To throw your husband out took courage. And to set rules of what is acceptable is the goal in therapy. No, he is NOT allowed to live at home and date! You are not his mother. Your job as a mother is to protect your very young children. The children by the way he helped to bring onto this earth. If he is too immature and selfish to be engaged father, he needs to get some counseling to get his act together. Wouldn't we all like to have revenge affairs at least in theory? Of course. But what the hell would that do? Just make us one of the lowlifes who do it. Tell your husband you didn't sign up to be on the Jerry Springer Show if it makes you feel good, but please don't scream or breakdown in fro t of your kids. They need a stable mom, not one falling apart. And of course, be sure to get tested for the whole battery of STDS. HPV doesn't show up in the general test, ask for the specific one.

      And if I were you, I would make a plan as to how I wanted to live my life just incase your husband can't get his head out of his butt. The women meant nothing. They were just random people. More importantly what is your husband running away from? Only he can figure it out. Lots of good posts on this site to read and help you but fct to face counseling is probably the best way and if you can get some relief from your MIL to get a break, why not? You have a lot to figure out but don't rush. Most on here would say it takes 6-12 mos to sort things out. In my case, I would say it took at least five but there are still many days I wonder if I chose the right path. Good luck as you heal.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous,
      Yes, "lost" is normal for the time being. I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through. It's excruciating to learn about betrayal once...to learn that it has happened again is brutal.
      For now, focus on getting yourself stronger. Get counselling for yourself so that you have a safe place to sort through your anger and pain and fear, so that you're able to parent your kids. Don't feel as though you need to make any decisions regarding your marriage right now. You need to get stronger yourself first.
      In the meantime, he should also be getting himself together. Is he still in the military? Can he access counselling that way? In any case, he should find someone to help him figure out why he keeps screwing up, especially when he'd already been given a second chance. But that's for HIM to figure out.
      Your focus, for now, needs to be on you and your children.

      Delete
  44. Dear Anonymous, I am only five weeks past DDay, and I can tell you this: the two thoughts that keep me sane is 1) I do not have to decide right now whether I am staying or whether I am leaving this relationship - it is too soon to tell. I'm going to give myself time; I personally have decided to to think about it more clearly after about six months have passed. (In the meantime, my husband and I are working toward recommitment and going to couples therapy.). And 2) I can leave this marriage if I choose. I am strong. I will be fine on my own. I know that in my heart… So I have a choice and I am in control of my future.
    And finally, in my profound sadness and feeling like I was going crazy… I took the advice of others here, and I worked on myself. Walking every morning, positive affirmations, telling a few close friends, meditation, and going out with friends… Realizing that I have a beautiful life, whether this affair has happened to me or not.
    You are not alone… And in time this will get better. Believe in yourself and those beautiful children of yours. Love & Hugs

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    1. Melissa,
      Thank you for posting that. I'm so glad it's working for you...and that you can support other women going through the same.
      Here's a link to that other post you mentioned:
      http://betrayedwivesclub.blogspot.ca/2015/01/the-desperate-plain-what-to-do-when.html

      Delete
  45. Wow, so sad to see so many posts. I read these & say to myself "yours isn't as bad, why can't you just be happy by now?" but I know it'll take time & lots of healing. My partner of 11 years gave me the line "I love you but I don't have those in love feelings anymore" last May 2014. She was the sweetest most honesty, trustworthy person I knew. I NEVER in a MILLION years thought she'd betray me. We took a 2 month "break" so she could sort her feelings for me out. Before she left she swore there was no one else. Well, in those first 3 weeks of separation she talked to & hung out (only a few times) with the OG (girl not a woman by any means) They only hung out 3 times but the 3rd time was a night out, a few drinks (not drunk she admits that) and they ended up walking back to her apt bc my partner won't drink & drive. When they got there the OG leaned in to kiss her, my partner said it scared her so she stood up quickly and the OG followed, she kissed her again, nothing passionate and unbuttoned her pants. My partner proceeded to slide her hand down her pants but remove it within seconds telling this girl she couldn't do this. So they never had sex and I can't get over it! I mean, yes it hurt. She left me and lied and gave her time to someone else. She is very remorseful, hates herself for doing this and is doing everything right to make it up to me. It just sucks. I thought we were the perfect couple for 11 years. People thought we were too,they still do bc they don't know & it drives me nuts. Sometimes I just wanna scream "We're not perfect, she cheated!" but I wouldn't do that. I've progressed well, very rocky and still struggle many days but I'm better than I was. I'm in month 7 and hope to be twice as better in 7 more months. I know she loves me & she was lost & confused and didn't communicate so things got built up & she ended up running instead of facing her fears. I don't believe she left me to have an affair, I do believe she needed to figure out her feelings for me and the OG but the affair part was uncalled for and just added additional hurt and she knows this. One day we'll be happy again & this will be a faded memory. I hate that it's a memory at all in our book but can't re-write the pages once they're printed. Hugs to all the betrayeds, it's an awful ride, just gotta hold on tight!

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    1. Chameleon, you are two months ahead often me and sounds like you are on the right track. If you trust her and believe that her heart is in the right place, move forward. Try not to look back. At least you weren't completely blindsided, she had the decency to tell you how she felt and didn't sneak around about it. And, while you ARE in a much better situation than many of us, you still have been hurt by the person you love most in this world. I agree, its not a chapter that I ever thought I would have in my book, but there it is taking up space in my story and I can't remove it because it is now a part of our lives, for better or for worse. Hoping for the best for you.

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    2. Chameleon,
      I'm glad you found us and shared your story. I think that vast majority of those who cheat without really wanting to leave are simply looking for a way to have their own pain recognized. It's a stupid and devastating way to do it...but we're often messy people.
      We can, however, with patience and compassion and a willingness to sift through the rubble, rebuild a relationship that's stronger for the storms it has weathered. The key is ensuring that each partner is willing to do the heavy lifting.

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  46. My D-day came in two parts. Part 1 came about a week after my H came in and told me he thought we should consider divorce because we didn't have anything in common anymore. We talked for hours that night, and I felt relieved to have gotten some longheld bitterness off my chest. After the talk, I felt relieved to have things out in the open. I'd been miserable for a long time! But we had both agreed we wouldn't do anything until after the holidays (about a month). I thought that in the meantime we would work on things to see if we could make it work. My H got really weird. Well, I guess he continued on with life as normal, but my expectation and feelings had changed because I was no longer holding onto the anger and bitterness that I had been drowning in. Later that week, our 11 year old son woke me in the middle of the night to tell me that he had seen a text his dad sent to someone else that said "I love you, baby" WOW! I was stunned, and confused, and sleepy. After a little while, H came in to talk to me. The night was a blur, but I don't remember him being apologetic. He was embarrassed but really, looking back, I think he was pissed. Not at our son, but at himself for getting caught. While our marriage had been rocky for awhile, anyone would be SHOCKED to discover this news. No one would ever expect this from him, and I fear that everyone will blame me. After D-day part 1, I blamed myself. Anyway, that night, he told me that he had been talking to this girl for a couple months. I asked a few questions but it was the middle of the night and I was surprised and confused, so I didn't ask as many as if I had found out at a different time. Anyway, he assured me it was no one I knew, this was the only time he'd ever done anything like this, they met on facebook through comments on a mutual friend's post, they had only texted and talked on the phone. I asked if they had ever met in person-no. I didn't even ask her name. He told me she wasn't from around where we live. He told me where she was from. I'm sure there was more, but as I said before, it's all kind of a bur. After he left the room, I cried, threw a few things, screamed into a pillow, etc. I couldn't sleep, so I spent the evening doing each of those things several times along with going through every female friend he had on FB that I didn't know until I found her.
    The following day, he was coaching a basketball tournament, so gone most of the day which was really tough. We really didn't get to talk anymore, and I was stuck at home trying to hold it together and figure out what the hell I was going to do and take care of 2 kids by myself. I felt like there was no one I could talk to about this. When he came home, we did talk. He said if I wanted to try to work on things and wanted him to stay, he would end things with her. We decided we would work things out, and that's the end of dday part 1.

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  47. We went through the holidays. I sucked it up holding all this information to myself. He was ashamed and embarrassed about what he'd done and apologized at every turn. I cried some and we had lots of sex. It makes no sense to me, but that's just the way things were. I confronted him about a few issues but mostly, we just moved on. A few of my issues included that he didn't unfriend her on FB. I couldn't understand why he didn't but he assured me he just didn't think about it. He finally just cancelled his FB account. He didn't unfollow her on twitter and instagram until I confronted him about it. She even "liked" a picture he posted of a gift we got our son for Christmas. What a psycho, right! When I was going through some old emails, I realized that he had stayed overnight one night for a work conference in a town very close to hers. I asked him again if he had gotten together with her while he was there. He said no. I asked why not. He said he was too scared. And I believed his lying ass! Early January (about 1 month after dday), he left his phone in the LR while I was watching TV. Our toddler brought me the phone (I didn't ask) and while I had it, I went through and saw that he still had HER number programed in his contacts with her damn name! So, I blocked the number and then deleted it from his contacts. He'd deleted any signs of texts and calls already, so I've never seen those. I can check the bill for calls but most of the texts were done in imessage, so I cant even see how many of those there were. Anyway, within that week, D-day part 2 was upon us.
    SHE sent me a FB message in the middle of the day. I got it at work. In the message, she told me that she thought I should know the truth because he was not telling me. She told me that he lied to me about when he was near her town. They had dinner, and she spent the night with him. I COULD HAVE NEVER DREAMED THS IN MY WORST NIGHTMARE. When I read the message, I literally thought I would pass out. He was coaching again that night and came home late. When he got home, I shoved my phone in his face. He walked out of the room. He came back in and told me that it was true. Although some of the things she said were not (like that she ended things and he wanted to leave me, etc.) Needless to say, I was LIVID! I lit into him like I have NEVER done before. I've never really yelled at him, but he got it that night. I told him to shut up. I cussed at him. These are things I have never done towards him. He told me he was scared to tell me this part because he thought I would leave him. Well, duh! But guess what...I'm still fucking here. I question myself daily. I was miserable before. I'm miserable now. So, what's the difference? Now, I have to remind myself daily of what I have to live for-my kids. I always hoped that one day we'd figure it out and learn to make it work. No, I have no hope. EVERY-FUCKING-THING is a trigger. I cry at the drop of a fucking hat. I'm a mess! I still make it through my work everyday. I mother my children everyday. I take care of what must be done everyday for the most part. But I feel I'm doing a shitty job at everything. It's been a couple months. I've had some good days. But I won't really let myself have good days. When I'm feeling good, I remind myself of what he's done, and I'm right back to feeling the punch in the gut feeling all over again. After the month that led to part 2, I'm afraid to ever let my guard down again. We started counseling a couple weeks ago and go again tomorrow. I'm not sure what I want. Actually, right now, I want out. I've decided to wait at least 6 months to make that decision. I'm not sure how I'll ever get over this...

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    1. Overwhelmed,
      We have SOOOOO been there. I wanted OUT. I wanted out so badly I could taste it. I felt completely trapped with three kids. I was so angry at him. I'd been unhappy before (though I'd been pretty good at telling myself I'd deal with it "later") but nothing like the misery I felt after.
      I didn't leave because I just didn't think I had the strength to deal with three kids who's lives would also be blown up. I figured I'd get stronger...and then leave.
      In the meantime, I figured we'd better sift through the damage so that we could co-parent in a healthy way.
      Now...eight years later, here I still am. Turned out that by the time I felt strong enough to leave, I also felt strong enough to stay. I wanted my family intact. I wanted my marriage.
      That's all a long way of saying you don't need to know right now what you want. He's created a LOT of damage. That's on him. I would urge you to get individual counselling to give yourself the support you need to work through this. My guess is you may not be as "good" a parent as you were before the bomb went off in your life...but you don't need to be. Give yourself a break. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this.

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  48. I sounded so strong last time I commented ... and I was. Now, I'm a mess. I am six weeks post d-day and my husband told me tonight ... when we were out with friends ... that he is leaving me because "he can't deal with me." He had a four and a half year affair that progressed from friendship, to physical to sexual ... and he can't give me two months? Every single night since d-day he holds me tight tells me he loves me and he's sorry ... we're in therapy ... we're reading Aftet the Affair, together ... It is a roller coaster, but I felt we were steadily climbing ... but today was tough ... I woke up angry ... angry at all the time he stole from us ... four and a half years of constant, daily texts, conniving secret meetings, coming up with lies, the emotional investment ... and he has the audacity to say, more than once, "I don't know if these problems in the marriage we're here before the affair, or the affair caused them?" Hmmmmn, I may be silly, but it seems to me if you had invested that much time and energy into the marriage ... you be the judge.
    And literally two days ago we danced all night, kissing, loving each other ... and this is how he has been through the whole affair ... no one, least of all me, would have ever known there was a problem. (Contined on next post)

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  49. (Post continued) He has always been very demonstrative with his love ... and that didn't change ... except for the last year of his affair ... looking back ... then, in Nov of 2014 out of the blue he told me he wanted a divorce???? I didn't know at the time about the OW. For the next three months he would tell me he's leaving and then take me on a date (we've been together 21 years) and tell me how much he loves me ... and he was leaving on weekends to sort his head out. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and said we needed to put an end to it ... and he confessed to the affair. In the six weeks since D-Day he has said he is leaving three times ... and in the months prior to D-Day too many times to count. He is no longer in contact with the OW ... he just cannot handle as he puts it "feeling bad". I make him "feel bad." Like today when I was angry which spilled into the evening ... I said of course I'm going to have an attitude, you had an affair on me! And he says, "you're attitude has nothing to do with the affair."
    He claims to know how I feel ... then why doesn't he know that my every breath IS the affair. That I don't even know who I am anymore. That everything I thought I knew about the world, my world, our world, isn't true. I do know this though ... I am willing to give him a chance, willing to give our marriage a chance, willing to dig into that special reserve of love and compassion and forgiveness that God gave us for just this purpose ... to lift someone up who really needs it .... someone who really needs you. I would do that for him ... but after just six weeks, he doesn't know how to deal with me.
    Tonight, as we are going to bed (decided to sleep in same bed, not touching) I kiss his cheek and say, "if you want to find someone better than me, go ahead, I won't hold you here ... I love you too much for that." And he says, "I won't find anyone better ... there is no one better than us together ... We've had an amazing life ... I won't find anyone better." I tried to continue to talk and he curtly said to go to sleep he had to get up early for work.
    I have an anxious attachment style (he has certainly not helped it) and he knows it through therapy, yet he still taps into my deepest fear of abandonment and tells me he's leavng .... over and over. I really want us to work it out, but I cannot take this assault on my emotions. Thank you my friends for any insight and support you can give me. Here's to another sleepless night.

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    1. Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry for all that you're going through. Of course, you're feeling anxious and fearful and hurt. Two months? And you make him "feel bad"? He clearly hasn't a CLUE just how devastating an affair is to a marriage. What's more, he seems to be focussing really hard on finding a way to make this your fault or the marriage's fault, rather than taking responsibility for lying and deceiving his partner.
      At this point, I think you might want to consider what's called "the 180". He needs the proverbial kick in the ass to make him realize how much damage he's continuing to cause. He might never realize it, in which case your marriage will either be miserable or you'll get out of it. The 180 is essentially a way to protect yourself from further harm while he gets himself out of the fog created by his affair. You can read more about it here: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
      You can't make him understand your own. But you can refuse to allow him to game play and dictate the terms of your marriage. As Steam has so perfectly put it: "My heartbreak, my rules." If he won't play by YOUR rules as you heal from this, then you remove yourself emotionally.
      Hang in there, Melissa. Focus on you. Focus on what YOU need to feel safe and to build boundaries. He'll either get it...or he won't. But either way, YOU will be ultimately be fine.

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  50. Thank you Elle. Yes I have read the 180 and in fact I just read it again a few days ago. In the beginning I was not strong enough to put it into practice, yet I have been of late. To clarify, my husband does know that the affair was entirely his fault he has told me time and again that I am not to blame; I did nothing wrong; there is no justification for what he did; he does not know why he did it, however he is willing to try to figure it out through therapy and reading. Yet, by the same token, you are right… At times he has said that he would arrange to meet the OW when we had had a disagreement or argument, alluding to the fact that problems in the marriage pushed him there. I know he is still confused… And I also know he is truly trying to figure it out. He has also said, interestingly enough, that in the beginning for the first few years, when he was meeting her as a friend and then becoming emotionally involved … That he, during the affair, did not recognize that as infidelity or… He did not feel guilty for it. Now, as he is coming out of the fog… He recognizes that too was wrong.
    I spoke to him about the events that occurred the other night…and told him I felt like I needed to apologize, because I really was out of control and as I started to say I felt as if I needed to apologize… He interjected and said that he understood, because what happened was actually his responsibility. He caused my pain and therefore my anger, which was out of control. I'm actually in the process of working with an individual therapist to learn how to express myself/"use my voice" and also to learn how to express anger, because I typically do not get angry. Now, probably for the first time in my life I'm expressing anger, however as my therapist noted, I need to learn how to modulate it, so that my anger is expressed effectively and received effectively.
    Okay, once again I am getting way too lengthy. Thank you so much Elle. You, as I've said before, are a gem and a treasure :-)

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  51. Me again. I reread the 180 ... not sure if it applies to our situation ... well, at least certain parts do not apply. I do agree though re: working on myself and my life and not being clingy etc. I have been doing that ... more so with each passing day as I've been more able to function. What is happening with me/us, that I don't see with others here is: my h is done with the OW, yet is uncertain whether he wants to continue in the marriage ... he says he is willing to try and as I noted in an earlier post he is going to mc with me and reading and talking, yet as he put it ... "I never really gave my marriage a chance so I am doing that now." And then he gets upset when I lash out in anger or the normal craziness after D-Day. So many women here speak of their husbands doing anything not to lose them ... although my h is extending himself a lot (his emotional intelligence is limited; he is minimally tolerant of real emotional work) ... he is not begging for forgiveness ... he told me from the start, for him reconciliation depended on two things: 1) can he live with his own guilt and 2) changes/improvements need to be made within the marriage; I pretty much said the same, with number 1 being if I can live with the infidelity. We've read of couples making pledges - I wonder if any indicate timelines, or specifics ... for example, we will talk about the affair (or read from our book) 30 to 60 minutes a day unless each party agrees to more; we will not talk about the affair when out on a date; neither party will threaten separation, separate or file for divorce for at least 6 months; this pledge will be reviewed in six months; if either party wishes for separation/divorce at that time, it will be discussed/planned by both parties .... It is similar to a controlled separation yet living in the same house. Has anyone here ever done or heard of anything like this? How did it work?

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    1. Melissa,
      My husband and I developed a similar set of "rules" though, like all rules, they were sometimes broken. They did help, I think. The important part, I think, is that each side feels as though their feelings are heard and validated. It's when one uses "rules" to silence the other or disregard their feelings, then I think it's harmful.
      As for your husband, it's a shame that he'd toss away a marriage because he can't deal with the "guilt". How does leaving a marriage because he cheated reduce his guilt? It sounds as if he's so terrified of his own feelings that he'd prefer to feel nothing than allow himself to sort through his emotions. And it sounds as if he's so terrified of YOUR feelings that, similarly, he shuts down your very normal reactions to the pain and fear and sadness of betrayal.
      Was he abused as a child? His inability to process emotion seems so extreme that it's hard to believe his childhood was "normal".
      I'm so glad you've sought counselling. At the very least, it will give you a working knowledge of healthy emotions, and support as you work through this.

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  52. Elle, thank you. You've hit the nail in the head - he was physically and emotionally a used by his dad and emotionally abused by his mom - dad would pull his hair, hit him and call him names if he didn't clean the kitchen properly and mom would tease and taunt him if he got angry or upset. Unfortunately, h does not recognize this as abuse - just as he told the counselor that his parents had a good marriage - they separated twice, divorced once, are back together and fight like cats and dogs ... in my eyes it is like they hate each other ... sadly he doesn't see the damage his childhood had on him, although he says he is willing to further explore. With us now - I attempted to present "rules" for discussing the affair and I couldn't get past the pledge - which he had agreed upon previously but now ... he wants to separate but doesn't know how. I cried. Composed and we talked - he agreed to a controlled separation and to continue to work on marriage ... later in the day I presented contracts for separation and he totally flipped out. He doesn't want that - I do - so, I did it - implemented the 180 - and all afternoon, evening and again this morning he is reaching out to me ... I feel so sad ... he finally told me he lives me, but not in that way. Yes, I'm doing the 180 ... for me. I know that I, and many other people in my life, love me and love me ... and that love doesn't waiver. With a person like me who is struggling with an anxious attachment style this is REALLY hard for me. I know I can only control myself ... I will decide going forward what that means for my marriage. Xoxoxo

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    1. Melissa,
      It sounds as if you're doing really great under incredibly trying circumstances. Hang in there. Keep those boundaries strong.
      My husband always offered up the "perfect" childhood story though my experience with his family was always fraught. I felt really vulnerable with them...they would say and do hurtful things but I'd be told I was "too sensitive" or it was "just a joke". It took my husband's affair to get him to finally admit that his childhood was anything but perfect. Emotional abuse, physical abuse and emotional neglect. He'd become a master of pushing those feelings of loneliness and abandonment, fear and hurt aside. His acting out sexually was a way of avoiding intimacy, a way of self-medicating almost.
      Don't pay attention to what your husband is saying right now. As hard as that is, know that his words right now are those of a messed-up mind. A separation isn't a bad idea. Both of you will get the chance to assess your marriage in a more clear-headed way, although the separation might trigger abandonment issues in your husband. Our emotions are going to emerge, one way or the other. I wish people understood that there's a healthy way to face them and, sigh, many unhealthy ways.

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  53. Elle, I would like to hear the thoughts and opinions and feelings of the women who have stayed in their marriages after infidelity by their husbands. And not those who are newly into it, but those who have stayed in their marriages a few years or more…are they happy they stayed? Would they do it all over again? Perhaps this has been addressed in some previous post, if so could you please direct me to it… Otherwise, if people could respond here I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

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    1. I'm 8 1/2 years out from that horrible, horrible day. As I've noted in a couple of my posts, we're going through some issues with our youngest child, who's dealing with obsessive-compulsive disorder. And what has become so clear to me through this is that my husband is a very different person than he was BEFORE the horrible, horrible day. He is able to show up for all of us in a whole-hearted way. He is able to recognize that his needs are not the most important. He's still fun and funny and kind...but he's so much more grateful for all of us, on a daily basis. He realizes how close he came to losing all this so he recognizes our value. He would tell you he recognized it before...but he didn't act like he recognized it. So yes, I'm happy I stayed. Yes, I would do it all again (though I'd prefer if HE didn't do it all again). Hurt like hell. But in some crazy way, it's brought us to this amazing place of grace and compassion and love.

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    2. I stayed. I am 4 years past D Day!Valentine's Day. Yes, men are idiots at times. He decided to come clean on Feb. 14. The thing is, he had been unfaithful 13 years previously. Things came out in the open because 4 years ago, a scary woman started becoming emotionally attached to him. I did not like it and gave him an ultimatum. Stop letting her text you. No visits. The floodgates opened.
      He told me. He cried. I cried. Sobbed like I never had before in my lifetime. Worst hurt of my lifetime. I did counseling and we did counseling and slowly but surely we are back to a happy marriage. Very open communication with each other.
      At the time of the affair, he had lost a family member and was drowning in pain. The opportunity presented itself with my friend. Yes, my friend. So cliche. She liked what I had. Envied our marriage.
      Painful, life altering, and not what I expected. I stayed because I saw my husband as a wounded man who had made a terrible mistake. I stayed because he is a wonderful husband, man, person, protector and friend. I stayed because I saw a light at the end of this tunnel with this website.
      Elle gave me hope, tools, wisdom and the understanding necessary to navigate this journey.
      I read the posts. I took the advice. It continues to be "my heartbreak, my rules" but I have a plan. I also have back up plans. I am tougher than I was prior to D Day but I am also softer and wiser. I am definitely more compassionate. I would do it over again. I also see that if I had found out 17 years ago, I would have left. I saw that I myself, as a woman with young children I would have probably left all those years ago. My children would have had a different life. They would not have had the experience of a two parent household with an incredible dad. I laugh with my husband. I admire my life with my husband. I put the pieces back and I am whole.

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    3. "I put the pieces back and I am whole." That is incredible. That is exactly what is possible. Not always, but sometimes. With someone who's willing to take full responsibility for the damage he's done and support you in your healing. He's a lucky man. And you're an amazing woman. Thank-you.

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  54. Melissa,

    No doubt I'm one of the oldest followers on this site and 27 yrs past Dday so, I guess I can answer your post with a different perspective than a newbie. Yes, I'm glad that I stayed because our children were able to know their dad. He was remorseful to the nth degree and threw himself into parenting with gusto! The person who held back was me. I couldn't stand to sleep in the same bed for the first couple of years and looked forward to him leaving on a trip. Thanks to the second flight attendant leaving the suitcase from Hell on my doorstep I had more juicy details of their affair than I could stand. But the most staggering piece of info was the naming of the first flight attendant he played Coffe Tea or Me games with. That was staggering! To this day I don't think my husband can believe the second OW ratted him out. Shocking that his soul mate, the one he wanted to leave the family for was indeed the fatal attraction woman. Had I been able to erase some of those sordid details perhaps life would have been happier. But I'm a pretty good actress, could pretend for the neighbors, and just push everything down. Lots and lots of therapy and still struggled with shame. As the years flew by, we through ourselves into raising the kids, they did very well in school, and have been launched into successful careers and lived. Pretty sure I could not have done that alone. But now in retirement and almost ten years after a Head and Neck cancer that may be related to the STD I got, I had many nightmares and a return of Depression. My childhood was chaotic with a schizophrenic father and an overbearing manipulative mother, so I was well prepared for pain. Some people get decades where life is good, others don't. And from what my therapist has said, we tend to marry the same type of person after divorce unless there is lots of therapy. For me I thought my best shot was my husband. He's actually a good guy except for the two times he cheated. But happy? I don't do happy well. Never saw it growing up so you might say we were a good fit. Neither one of us is comfortable being emotionally close to others, so it has worked. And also there are different stages in marriage. The honeymoon stage eventually turns into the next stage before you know it. This sounds pretty cold but I've reached the point in life where I don't want to waste time on conflict cause life is too dang short. This wasn't the life I meant to live but how many people get back? Very few I would guess. If you don't have children, it really is much easier to walk out the door and I think I definitely would have. My children don't thank me for staying but I was the adult and I made the decisions that I thought were best for them at the time. No question, I learned a lot from everything that happened but at what a price. And if you need a good book to help, try Frank Pittman's Private Lies. It got me through my darkest hours.

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  55. Thanks so Pilot's Wife - you gave me a lot to think about. We do not have children; we've been together 21 years and have built a life of family and friends together. And us - or so I thought. It's 2 months now since D-Day and although I am calmer, I have less hope for the marriage. In fact, I discovered yet another lie tonight ... I found a pic of a receipt from a hotel reservation... while I was away with my elderly mother to meet with surgeon for carotid. I asked my husband again, did you ever spend the night with the OW and when was the last time you had sex? Same story. I specifically asked about the hotel reservation I had found and showed him the pic. I even asked if he made the reservations and she wouldn't go with him? (I found they had texted one another at night a few times so thought maybe they didn't go?) No, he didn't go to a hotel with the OW. He didn't know ... Had no recollection... I said well it will be on a credit card ... he said, "no it won't because I never stayed in any hotel."
    The rest of the night he acts as if nothing is wrong and readily goes to sleep at bedtime - oh the beauty and danger of the ability to compartmentalize. I, of course, cannot sleep and I get up - go to my computer and look into the credit card account that I never use ... there it is ... the charges ... now, they would charge full price if you didn't cancel on time, but there was a charge the next morning ... presumably breakfast. I had promised myself I'd work on this marriage for six months as long as he had NC with OW and he continued in therapy - both of which he is doing, yet I simply don't feel safe and I don't feel loved. I am not afraid of being alone, Ok, maybe a little bit ... but I do know that I have so many friends and family who love me. I do believe separation is in order... and he'd have to work a LOT harder to deserve my precious soul ... "the best thing that's ever happened to him" (his words ... ) ... so very sad ... very, very sad ... a good marriage could have been great if only he had really dedicated himself to counseling back when our problems were escalating ... instead he chose to have an affair, an escape rather than seeking the truth ... he dedicated four and a half years to that affair ... now I can only dream of the growth he and our marriage would have seen with that much time and energy dedicated to it. I am so truly exhausted. It's 3:15 am and in an effort for normalcy I'm having a jewelry party here at my house tomorrow eve. Thanks for listening.

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    1. Oh Melissa,
      I'm so sorry. Yes, it's often the deceit that is the undoing of the marriage, more than the sex. To have someone look you in the eye and lie is a frightening thing. I often say on this site that there is no one-size-fits-all response to betrayal. You need to do what feels right to you in the circumstances of your own life. It's absolutely possible to heal from betrayal but it's hard EVEN WITH a remorseful, repentant, eager-to-help-you-heal spouse. Without one, I think it's near impossible.

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  56. Melissa,

    Just wanted to add that the first six months after Dday I get two packed suitcases in the closet. My husband saw them everyday and knew I could leave at a moments notice especially while he was on a trip. I had money set aside, tickets, and a place to go if I wanted but didn't cause I had a teaching job that held me until the end of summer. And by summer things were easier. So take your time and think things out. I would say it was two years before I gave up the idea to leave. feelings change my therapists likes to say. Hang onto that thought and I would add that there are all kinds of marriages. You get to decide what you want.

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  57. Thank you Pilots Wife; I truly appreciate your insight. I am at my worst with lack of sleep ... so, I'm going to try to take an afternoon nap before I finalize things for the party. And I'm going to do my best to stop obsessing for awhile and breathe and live ... the affair, hurt and pain aren't going anywhere. I officially grant myself the right to pursue happy thoughts and happy activities!

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  58. Melissa,

    You sound in so much pain still. I understand about the lies and how crippling it is to discover that he hadn't broken it off when he said he did. When my husband left for a trip one day, later that morning crew schedule called to reassign him. He only pretended to go to the airport but instead went off with the flight attendant for three days. Three days and three nights I pictured him doing all sorts of horrible things or maybe he had died somewhere. Lies make you sick and pictures of your husband with another woman most likely make you want to throw up. I still do if I think of it so best not to. But for you the question is how to heal in this tsunami wave of pain. Everyone has given you excellent advice especially Elle. Protect yourself at all costs, maybe repeat the STD battery of tests and ask for the specific HPV test not the general to just be sure. And in the words of my therapists, do not let this betrayal define you. Life is indeed short and only you know what you want. If you don't feel you can count on your husband for the tough things that may be ahead in life like health or old age issues, it may be time to end it. Only you can decide that and it doesn't have to be right now. Wishing you sleep.

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  59. Thank you so Pilot's Wife. Perhaps I didn't explain correctly, I knew he was "involved" with her during that time period - and as it turns out he and her had a huge blowout that day, at the hotel and never ended up staying - and that all makes sense given the texts to and from them and to me the next morn - he was in a sick, addicted place and she started seeing another guy ... He recognizes all that now, yet it certainly would have continued had the OW not start seeing someone else - and in fact she wanted to continue to see my h, he stay with me and she see new guy - this upset h as it was against his values .... wtf? wish he would have thought of that before the affair?? As for the STD testing we both intend to repeat after 3 months. We spoke again of separation today - he went to look at a few places - this allowed for more in depth conversation- and a sense of relief for both of us, to alleviate some stress. Not sure if a true separation will happen due to finances, but in the meantime we agreed to spend less time together - and I am finding an end to a near obssesion with investigating the affair and his every move. In tired of all that. I want to rejoin the living, my life. I have this new, really good sense of calm since he and I spoke openly several times today. This almost sounds strange that I am Ok with the fact that he questions whether or not he wants to stay in the marriage ... because I feel the same way. As you said, I don't need to decide right now. And I slept pretty good last night and somehow I know tonight will be even better. Thank you Dear, your compassion is greatly appreciated.

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  60. Four years ago, my h and I were at a bday party for a friend's baby. We left before the party ended, and about an hour after getting home, the father of the child called. He found voicemails on his wife's phone that she left in the bathroom. The messages were from my husband telling my so-called friend how much he loved her, not just because of all the great sex. Her husband played the messages for all 200 guests before informing me. My husband immediately admitted to it and we went to marriage counseling right away. A few weeks in, something didn't feel right and I hired a pi. They were back. I understand the pain you are all going through. It's almost as bad as losing a loved one to death. In my right mind, I would have followed through with my divorce plans, but the excruciating depression, shock, and PTSD prevented me from doing anything but going through the motions. I am, believe it or not, eternally grateful for this entire experience. My marriage is better than it's ever been, I'm so much more emotionally strong than I have ever been I. My life, and I never allow toxic people in my world. I wish you all the best, for I was hanging by a thread, and I truly understand your pain. Hang in there and follow your gut whether it is to work it out or end it.

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    1. Wow. Thanks so much for sharing your incredible story of resilience. Like you, I felt far too broken to walk out the door. I figured I'd stay long enough to get strong. I'm now glad I had that time to just figure out what to do next rather than reacting. Like you, I'm glad I stayed. However, we each need to find out own way through this.
      Glad your path brought you to where you are now.

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  61. My H and I are from different nationality, so there is a different upbringing as well as cultural. We have been together for 10 years and married 8. I have two beautiful children but 5 years ago we got our fair share of hard time.My H lost is mother in the most horrific way while my 2nd child was 6 weeks old. I did my best to hold my family together knowing that I had a 6 weeks newborn, a 19 months toddler and my dad had leukemia and I didn't know if he would make it. Since the passing of my mother-in-law my H has distanced himself from myself and our children. I tried my best to talk to him but he wouldn't want to. One day he told me that he was very low and I told him that he needed to seek professional help as I didn't know how to help. I felt he needed help but I wasn't strong enough to help him. At the time i was back to work full time. Part 1

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  62. Part 2
    Two years ago, my H told me that he was unwell and he needed holidays ( please bear in mind that he had decided to work every weekend, and I thought that he didn't want to be with his family). I called his doctor for him to get an appointment to be referred, help him to fill it in and dropped it for him. Forward a moth ago (on Valentines day), got a message that he has been cheating on me. There were already rumours in January and when I confronted him he denied it, but this time he couldn't. He said he has been seeing this women for two years. looking back it was when he started to be funny! He said that it's my fault that I didn't support him (I should have taken the day off and go with him to see someone to which I replied, they rang you on your mobile but you ignored their calls!). He said that she was funny and witty, that she reminded him of his mom, that I haven't been myself with him (I'd have thought that if it was the case, I'd have won the Oscar for the best actress for 10 years!), that she was listening to him and that finally I haven't been looking after myself and that a woman should always make an effort. I did take that comment into account as he was right but I pointed out to him that every last penny I had was going towards the renovation of our house.I can tell you it has been ( and still is )a roller coaster of emotion.

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  63. Part 3

    I decided to give him a second chance but he had to stop seeing her and start a therapy, to which he both agreed. He sent her a text to tell her it was over. Forward two weeks ago and i have been able to check his phone and there was a very explicit message from her (in the meantime she had changed her number), he told me that he was back with her, that his psychologist made him believed that if I didn't see the sign of him having an affair he shouldn't feel guilty and that he had noticed that I had made changes (i have to admit that I feel more confident now) but her shrink wondered how long I'd be able to sustain my effort!!!!!! That night i kicked him out with all his stuff. I couldn't take it anymore even my kids for 3 days didn't ask me where he was as they are so used not to see him. I learnt that within 20 minutes of me chucking him out of the house, she called him to ask him to move in with her but he declined the offer, (found out that isn't the first marriage that she destroyed). All along he said that the OW never wanted anything from him. I have realized that I can leave on my own without him for the day to day life but I'm still deeply in love with him and I want to make it work. I told him that I have some terms that are not to compromise(1: no contact with her at all, 2: no more work at weekends and 3: we got out once a week). H is still living with one of his friend and as no contact with her as I ask him to check his phone but it's very easy to delete phone calls and messages. He comes to see his kids everyday and that hurts me as when we talk (i always initiate the conversation and i can see he hasn't at ease with it and want to brush it under the carpet), he is sending me mixed messages. He'll say when the house is sold we'll rent before we buy a new one and the next minute he says but we'll need to see how things go! Yesterday it was our eldest birthday and we went out for the day. I had a great time but i felt he was cold, then later on he sent me a text saying that he had a great time, but he came round today but was cold. I asked to check his phone and there was nothing suspicious and he said he understands. I don't know what to thin or do? I want to give him another chance (his last one) and at the same time he doesn't seem to make any effort and he says he needs time. I'm lost. I would appreciate if I could have some advice as I don't want to lose him but at the same time i don't want to wait ages for him to mad his mind up.

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    1. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You need to shift focus to yourself. He wants time? Then take time for yourself. Tell him he can spend some time with the kids and then you can take yourself out to lunch, or for a walk, or to get a manicure or a massage. You need to nurture yourself after all this. To treat yourself with care.
      You can't make him get clear on what he wants...but you can make it very clear that he doesn't get to just go back and forth with his emotions, keeping you guessing. There's something called the 180 and it sounds like you should try it. You can read about it here: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
      Good luck. Keep us posted how you're doing. We're rooting for you!

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    2. Hi, thanks for your kind words.. I'm walking through a dense fog and i don't know how tom get out of it. I have a dagger in my heart and some day it pulls away and other it goes deeper in my heart. I see my H everyday as he said that we need to finish the house to sell it. I can understand his view but on the other hand when I discover his 2 years affair he said that we needed emergency holidays and that why he took that time off, but change his mind (instead of working on our marriage) he says that seeing the house not finished is annoying him and once it's done he can think more clearly. I wrote him a letter to tell him about my feelings but he hasn't discuss it, in fact he is avoiding communication. I know our communication broke down and I'm trying to encourage it but it feels like he wants to avoid to talk about his feelings and doesn't want to hear mine. I asked him why he didn't say sorry the 2nd time he went back to her but he replied "what can I say". He told me that she contacted him but doesn't seem to express any remorse. I'm in a dilemma as next week is his birthday (i want to celebrate it as I want to save our marriage but one part doesn't after the pain he is putting me through!). Any advice will be welcome.
      Cecile

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    3. Cecile, it sort of sounds as though he is just going through the motions in order to get the house sold and then move on. I feel that he would be putting his energy into the rebuild of your marriage if he planned on staying.... He sounds very disconnected, may be playing along just to wrap things up. Be careful, don't expect too much from him until he is more committed to rebuilding your life together. I have learned that we have to protect ourselves first.
      I'm almost seven months out, my husband is clearly committed and putting everything into our marriage but I still silently question every action, my eyes are wide open, I trust myself and am ready for anything. I will not be blindsided again. Keep your eyes open. Take care.

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  64. I, too, checked my h's phone after d-day and never found anything. However, also like you, I felt his coldness even though he was saying all the right things. I found out I could create an account on the phone carrier's site, and and view the usage. I found out he was back with the w****. Even if you do this, your h may have a burner phone. I wanted to go through with my divorce plans, but the shock, pain,PTSD, and the love I still felt for my H prevented me from going through with this. The advice I have for you is to, outside of your children, become selfish. Don't do or say the things you think he wants, do for yourself. I know this is incredibly hard as all you want right now is to have him back, but YOU will start to feel better and maybe even decide he isn't what you want or need after all. He'll start to see that he cant take you for granted and you won't always be there for him to fall back on when things don't work with the ow. Best wishes to you. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but it WILL get better. Especially if you take care of yourself.

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    1. I agree with Anonymous. It may sound silly, but when I was feeling low one day, I was watching "the incredibles" with my kids and it was at the part where the wife thinks her H is cheating on her. Edna Mole smacks her with the glove and tells her "you will remind him who he is and then you will remind him WHO YOU ARE!". It struck me! I am worth fighting for. I am a catch! If he doesn't see that then he isn't worthy of me. I make mistakes, I know this, but I am worth every effort. You remember that when he is cold. You are worth it and if he can't see that he isn't.

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  65. Julie, I love everything you said! You "catch" you!!! 😊

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  66. Hi everyone, it's Melissa chiming in with an update.

    First of all, Julie, I love what you said in the last post. I am struggling and I have repeated what you said about being worth it and it certainly makes me feel better. So thank you.

    I am just over two months past D-Day. My husband and I are planning to separate… I truly believe he is simply running from the problem and in my heart I think it will lead to a divorce… So it saddens me very much. We have been together 21 years. It is apparent to me since the affair that he is truly unable to deal with emotions ... his, or mine. He is fearful to express himself to me, or to tell me the whole trut,h not just about the affair, but some activities since the affair. We know we love each other… However, he is confused… Not sure if he wants to stay in the marriage… It seems apparent to me as well, that he is going through a heavy midlife crisis. And most likely was going through it during, and now, after the affair. So, it is most difficult for me… As I truly am in a holding pattern. I know, I know, my heartbreak, my rules, but that doesn't apply when your partner is uncertain whether he wants to stay in the marriage. Honestly, I'm not so great at the 180, although I have been trying. and, truth be told, I too have a certain sense of ambivalence about the marriage … As I don't want to reconcile with someone who may once again in a few years decide he no longer wants to be married ... Went to reconcile was someone who is not 100% dedicated to the reconciliation. I appreciate the fact that you told me earlier that he was uncertain what would be the outcome of our attempt to reconcile. However, at this point, it is way too early and in my eyes we have not even put forth a minimal effort.

    He has not completely thrown in the towel and is willing to continue counseling ... his main reason for separation is to clear his head, and hopefully give him more clarity as to how he feels about the marriage. We are planning to do a controlled separation with a written agreement… Just between us. I vacillate between the emotions of sadness, anxiety, strength, courage and empowerment. Unfortunately, mostly sadness and anxiety. Any of you out there who have experienced separation…? Or simply have any words of encouragement or support, I would greatly appreciate it.
    Thank you all, beautiful ladies.

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  67. I'm struggling......It's been 9 mths post DDay and I'm struggling. I made the decision to stay and there are days that are great, but the past week, I've been a mess. H is doing everything that he should be doing, but I can't get past the WHY?....I suspected he was cheating, when I saw a strange text on his phone....that led me to dig and I found out the number belonged to a b$##@ that he worked with. I decided I needed to do what was necessary to find out, so I became the like CIA and acquired the information that I needed to confirm my suspicion. Even after confronting him on a few occasions, he still denied it. On July 19th, I gave him an ultimatum and he confessed to sleeping with her on 2 occasions. I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. I think it lasted longer and with more frequency than he will ever admit.
    I'm trying to accept that I will never know the truth, but I know what I heard and it just doesn't make any sense. Anyone looking in, would think we were the perfect couple, yet my "loving, caring H was out screwing this B$%&*.

    I know he decided to stay and I should be "happy" he wants to work it out, but at times as much as I love him, I don't want to be near him. As we were snuggling last night, I heard a song from last summer and it triggered within seconds the hurt and anger without any reason. This only makes him confused and makes me angrier because he has no right to be confused. He caused this pain and hurt.

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    1. Anonymous,
      Nine months out is still quite raw. It know it feels like a lifetime...but most experts say three to five years to feel as if this is well and truly behind you. I was definitely closer to five.
      You don't have to feel "happy" or anything else that isn't how you actually feel. You'll cycle through all sorts of emotions as you work your way through this. Betrayal is such a primal injury that is often brings up plenty of other issues along with it, some long buried.
      Re. wanting to know the "truth": ask yourself what would change if you heard the whole story. Would it get in the way of moving forward? Or would it help propel you forward. Let's assume that it did last longer and was more involved. Will that change whether or not you stay with him? It's important to figure out what we really want to know...and what we don't need to know. I, personally, needed to know EVERYTHING. Every little detail. And now...I can barely remember most of them. He cheated. That I know. And it changed everything.
      Let your husband know that healing is a marathon, not a sprint. That you're going to go through all sorts of feelings as you move forward. The best thing he can do is support you through this. Hold you when you need holding, give you space when you need space, and remind you, as often as you need it, that he is doing everything he can to deserve this second chance you're giving him.

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    2. Thank you Elle. I don't even think those words express how grateful I am to have found this site. You are always insightful and know what to say. It's a long journey that I wished (like many others) to never have taken. But I can't change what happened. I can only change what will happen in the future.

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  68. Part 1: I thought that I 'd update you with my situation. It has been 3 weeks since I kicked my H out of our house after I found out that he went back to the OW 2 weeks after he admitted to a 2 years affair. As the days go by I feel a bit better but I still have ups and down. He has stopped every contact with the OW but he's living with a single friend and on several occasions he tells me that he likes his life, that he cooks for his housemate, invites him to restaurant. Basically he does more for this block than he has ever done for me. He is also reluctant to talk about his betrayal and still continues to tell me that it's my fault. He admitted that he made the first contact with the OW because he was pissed off with me (to me it sounds like a revenge as I didn't take care of him, according to him). From his point of view, he says he has always put my needs first (by going on holidays to see my family). To give you an insight, I have been leaving abroad for a while now and when I was single I would go back to my parents and siblings every holiday. When I meet my H we would go there for a couple of weeks but he would always feel uncomfortable as he blames me for not teaching him my mother tongue (which I thought if he really wanted to learn it, he'd do it by himself as it's my job to teach my mother tongue) and that I should understand how he feels. I understand that it's not easy for him but on the other hand I don't see my family that often. In our first years together I'd reduce my visit to twice a year, now it's only once a year but as I have 2 young children I take them for 3/4 weeks. Am i wrong to take my kids to see my family and as it's quite a long drive for me and 3 weeks seems fairly reasonable to allow us to have some time with my family and recover from the journey. He says that I should go on holidays with him but he is always working during the summer, so he can't come with us. He said we could go somewhere else, I agree but with what money? I have been brought up that if I wanted something I should make sure that I have the full amount to pay for it. I have never like credit cards anyway!

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  69. PArt 2: So he said that I never put his needs first, when I did something I always thought of him first. He came round a week ago to start to work on our house as we are selling it and I was really excruciating for me to see him everyday and then he'd go back to his single life! Since last week I have been trying to have a conversation with him, but he kept avoiding until this last Saturday. He said that he has already lived with two women but it didn't work out, that he has feelings for me. He still wears his wedding ring (which I find odd) and he challenged me why I don't wear mine! I told him that he betrayed me not only once, but when I found out the first time he said that he was relieved that it was out, but twice because he went back to her two weeks later it was out in the open, so I feel that at the moment I shouldn't wear my ring as there is no trust. Then he goes on again about it being my fault! He also tells me that he's working hard to understand why it happened to avoid to do it again and that he takes responsibility for it (after i asked him if he was feeling responsible for i, but when he said yes it wasn't very convincing). I have written a couple of very personal letters in which I have open my heart to him and tells him how I feel and I felt they were private and he said that he showed them to his shrink and she thinks that I'm more worried about what people think than him and told him that in that case he should be on his own!!!!!!!!! WTF? The only message I wrote to him was two months ago when I was really hurt and said that others friends husbands spent their weekend with their kids, helped at home and not working every day including Sat and Sun!.
    C

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  70. PAart 3: Then we went on talking about the sale of our house and he said that because his shrink told him to be on his own, he said that we could by a house each and live each in our own house and if we want we could moved in later on in one of the houses and rent the other ones. Then two seconds later he added that we might not be together. Is it me or he is taking me for a ride? He also doesn't want to divorce. At the moment I have been fairly amicable as I'm thinking of my daughters but to be honest they don't seem to care if he is there or not. last time he spent some time with them he sat on the settee and I had to suggest we could go to the park for him to have some quality time. He is around nearly everyday and tonight I had to ring him to stop coming around as it messes me and the girls up. H says the girls are fine (in a way they are) but as I mentioned to him he always comes for an hour or two at the end it's always me dealing with them , putting them to bed etc... When I want to go out I'm always the one who pays for the babysitter as he can't because he plays in a league. So I have asked him just to see the girls on certain days. and he said fine! When he is home he still kisses me but he told me tonight that he isn't ready to come home! He said he spoke to his brother in law who cheated on his wife and went back after she said things would change but according with his brother-in-law nothing never changed so he told him not to come back home. Then, his brother -in-law also added that he would never allow his wife to go and see her family without him (please bear in mind that they live in the same country as him!.My H has also agreed on not seeing anyone while we are separated as I told him that I would be a divorce straight away. I really need some third party advice because the more i write on this blog and the more i got the impression that he is taking me for granted and that he is manipulating me by keeping me on the edge of the fence (maybe we still could be together, maybe not!). I also have another question he told his eldest daughter (from a previous relationship) that he is living somewhere else but didn't give her any details as he thinks she doesn't need to know. She is nearly 16 and I think that she is old enough to understand it (he left her mum when she was 3 years, didn't get much contact with her and i have the impression that he doesn't want to appear as the bady once more), my question was do you think it would be wise of me to tell his daughter why he isn't at home as I feel that I'm not in the wrong for his betrayal and he trying to show himself as a good father whereas each time she was with us I'd looking after her while he'd be working on the house or the garden instead of paying attention to her! Now I know it's my pride and dignity talking as I don't know what he really told her and I bet he pictured me in a bad light when he is the one who done wrong. I'd be grateful If I could have some thoughts on my questions. Thanks.
    C

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    1. C,
      It sounds as if your husband has abandoned you emotionally for years and is continuing to, as well as having cheated physically on you. This guy has your head spinning around.
      You need to stop letting him dictate the terms of your relationship. If you need him around to help with the kids so you can go out and have some time, then arrange it. I would also urge you to go to a lawyer and determine how much financial support you're entitled to re. spousal/kids.
      I suspect you've given in to this guy for a very long time so it's going to take some time to sort through what YOU want. But it would be time well spent. Make your healing about YOU.

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  71. Thank you so much- I'm still very confused about everything with him and I. We talked somewhat and I was going to try and work it out. I still keep snooping and find things like he just ordered flowers for his girlfriends mother for Mother's Day- I seen the Email on his computer . When I said something about it- his response was "why are you snooping on my laptop and looking at my Emails- it' s none of your business." I said "really, I'm your wife- there shouldn't be any secrets." of course we got in a big fight. He said that I never showed him any attention is 28 years of marriage and he should of left after the honeymoon- I know I am lacking in the sex department- I do feel like this is somewhat my fault. He also said that when we adopted our kids I always put them first and not him- He said when we adopted our older child- Which he was 17 when we adopted him- he was our youngest 2 sons brother. He said I treated him like my husband and how angry he was at me- he said I'm so angry with you still about everything- I told him our marriage can never heal until he lets me see his phone and emails and he said no, it's none of my business and stop snooping. He also said he was ending it on his time and his way. What am I supposed to think? HELP!!!!!

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    1. Confused,
      What he's saying and doing to you is outright emotional abuse. I suspect if YOU were behaving like this -- telling him you'll end your affair when you feel like it -- he'd lose his mind.
      You need to make it very clear to him that there cannot possibly be a marriage with three people in it. He's blaming you for all sorts of things that may or may not be somewhat accurate. But that is NOT the point. He has betrayed you. THAT is the point.
      I suspect you're quite willing to discuss where the marriage might need some help...but that cannot take place as long as he's emotionally involved with another woman.
      I would urge you to make it clear to him that, if he wants to save his marriage, then he needs to respect his vows and respect you: this means, absolutely no more contact with this other woman, total transparency and access to any and all phones/computers/etc, and a commitment to therapy to help you work through this pain and rebuild a healthier marriage.
      Please do not take responsibility for his actions. If he had problems with the marriage, then he should have brought them to you so you two could try and fix them as a couple. Again, having a secret friendship with another woman is a betrayal. It is damaging your marriage.
      At the very least, please find a therapist for yourself to help you through this difficult time. You are NOT confused. He is the one confusing thing. You know exactly what you want. He's just refusing to respect you enough.

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    2. You are scared, frightened and feeling alone. We have all [still are] there. Remember: he made the decision to step outside the marital boundary. If he has checked out of the marriage emotionally, ask your self why do you want to stay. Scary question. From your comments, you perceive he is in 100 percent control. Find a portion of your life which you can control. Starting today, formulate 1 to 3 options/plans YOU control for your future, with or with out him.

      You cannot fix him. You cannot fix his anger. You can only fix you. He wants you to find the emails, flower charges to hurt you but he doesn't have the strength to leave. It's more fun to stick around and torture the puppy.

      If counseling is an option, please save your sanity and start ASAP.

      Good luck. I am still on the path my self. It my journey I would not wish on anyone but hoping to come out on the other side in tact.

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    3. Confused,
      Anonymous (above) has stated it much more clearly than I did. And it's great advice. Map out some options for your future that you CAN control. See a lawyer to determine what you're entitled to financially.
      He is abusing you emotionally. And I understand how hard that can be to escape. Get help. A therapist can gently guide you into a much happier future.

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  72. Should I let me husband do what he wants because he has cancer?

    My retired husband of 15yrs was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer. It is not curable but controllable and it will start up again. He has maybe 2-5 yrs to live. He started an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend who is bipolar. They broke up 20 yrs ago because her disease wasn't controlled and he couldn't take it anymore.

    When he was diagnosed she started researching treatment options and sent him daily emails of articles to read. Then they'd meet over lunch, while I was at work, to discuss these articles. He called this medical consultation. I accepted this because I wanted to trust him and for him to make the best choice for his treatment. Over the course of a few months he was in love with her.

    After allowing him to travel with his friend and confronting him to let him know that I believe he is unfaithful, he denied it because he hadn't had sex with her. I asked him several times to break it off and he has but he keeps going back. After about 3 breakups with her, he is now back living with her (he returned home after living with her for a week because it wasn't working out).

    This last time we fought and it was very bad. I got physical because he would not move out of the house. He wanted to continue living at home but see his girlfriend.

    I know I was wrong about the physcial abuse and have sent him an email apologizing. He accepted my apology via email but other than that I haven't had any contact with him.

    Previously, I told him I would take care of him during his illness. Should I just let him continue with his affair since he has limited time to live?

    Needless to say I'm very upset about losing my husband to cancer but also losing the ability to care for him through his final days. Maybe I should let all my anger go so he can have some happiness while he can.

    I feel like a evil person for not letting him have what he wants.

    Thank you.


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    1. Anonymous,
      Your husband's behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and appalling. If he wants to have a girlfriend then he can't also have a wife. Having a cancer diagnosis stinks -- and maybe that's why he's behaving rather erratically -- but it doesn't give him carte blanche to act like an ass to you, to reward your loyalty to him by expecting you to share him with his girlfriend.
      Figure out what's best for you. Do you file for separation? Do you simply bide your time so that this girlfriend doesn't inherit what you've spent a lifetime building? I don't mean to sound mercenary...but at this point, I think you'd be wise to see a lawyer and figure out what your best course of action is. But I think you should also refuse to tolerate this sort of behaviour and work towards healing from this betrayal. I'm so sorry for this double whammy you're dealing with.

      Delete
  73. Hi there, Im new here, I have been reading all the stories and I'm just amazed how similar they all look.
    My husband and I are both expats, have been together for 8 years and married for almost 6, have two children aged 2 and 3.
    I found out last year that he was having a sentimental affair with a work colleague, the one I never ever would have guessed, she was very nice to me and to my kids and she was newly MARRIED!!!.
    I am a very jealous person, and I was having a feeling for a long time that something was not right, so I decided to check his email. He spend most of the time chating on FB and since he never leaves his phone out of his sight I thought checking his emails will give me some idea of what was going on. Unfortunatelly I found a few of messages coming from his FB chat where she sent him links to songs, or just replies to his messages where she said that she also wanted to kiss him.
    The pain, the broken hearth feeling, the rage I felt were surreal, I was determined to break up with him and take my kids away... the only problem was that I was unemployed, no family or close friends to run to, so I decided to talk things through and give him a second chance.
    That night when he came back from work I confronted him, not the way I thought I would have, I just sat him down and asked him "Why does a married man feels the need to chat to another married woman and exchange very personal messages and music and request each other for kisses??" My H never expected this and his first reaction was to deny it all, but after like a minute of it he just told me that "there was nothing going on, that he was being silly and she was being friendly, and he asked the wrong thing and she went for it, and things just went on from there, but he swears that there was not sex, just stupid chit chat.
    After many tears he asked me what was I going to do? so I told him that I wanted to give him a second chance but I was not sure about it,he promised that nothing else will ever happened again and that he will work really hard to gain my trust back. I believed him and decided to give it a go and see how everything will go.
    A few months back I decided to talk to this woman and make sure she understood where the limits of their working relationship were. I also told her that alll the evidence I got from them fooling around I could easily send it to her husband and finish her marriage too. She, of course, deny the whole thing, she said that those were silly messages that didn't meant anything and that she felt disgusted with herself knowing that she put me in that situation, she also told me that her and her husband were trying for kids but she could not get pregnant, so she said that she did not have time to fool around with anybody. Eventhought I don't trust her, I believe she will stop the fooling with my H as I don't think she wants to risk losing her job and husband.
    I must admit during this year since d day, I can't say I trust him, I always doubt him and he is definitely not helping as I found out he leaves work earlier to go to a bar, it might be just a guy thing but since he hide it from me, I can not help it but think the worst.
    I also know for a fact that he chats to other women but he deletes these messages all the time. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or something but I know this situation its not working for me and its driving me insane.
    I dont know what to do, I don't have a job, (I have tried to get one). My family is on the other side of the world, and I depend on him for everything. I have being thinking about telling him that we will live together until I get a job and then either me or him would move, but not sure if that is the best thing to do.
    I dont want to feel guilty with my kids for taking them away from their father, and I in all honestly I dont want to leave him because I love him but I do love me more.
    I am desperate and really dont know what to do. HELP PLEASE!!!

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous,
      It sounds as if your husband got a bit of a scare when you found those messages...but given that he continues to chat with women online and delete the messages, he clearly doesn't get that he's crossing a very dangerous line. To put it bluntly: married men don't get to have secret friendships with women, whether online or in real life. It's that simple. He needs to figure out why he needs to feed his ego with this flirtations (which, of course, he'll minimize as "friendships").
      And you need to make it abundantly clear that you're giving him a second chance -- not a third and fourth.
      You're smart to not trust either him or this OW. They've shown themselves to deceitful. It would be stupid to suddenly believe they're trustworthy and honest.
      They should have as little contact as possible, if there is ANY contact you should be informed about it, you should have access to any and all electronic devices, including installing a key logger if you want to monitor his use. It sounds Orwellian but it's how trust is re-established. If he's truly not doing anything wrong, that will become clear and trust will build. If he is...well, you deserve to know so that you can create your Plan B. In the meantime, I would urge you to establish something of a safety net should you discover that there's more going on or decide to separate. Talk with a lawyer, figure out where you might go (or where he might go). I hope I'm not scaring you...but having an exit plan can make us feel safer at a time when the world feels very unsafe thanks to a spouse's betrayal.
      Hang in there. We're here. You'll get through this.

      Delete
  74. HI,

    I first want to thank anyone that will take the time to read this and maybe respond. I am just so sad I don't know what else do to.

    About 8 months about I found out that my husband had been talking to a co-worker for hours and hours everyday on the phone. He deleted all these calls and kept this all a secret. He swore over and over that nothing ever happened and they were just friends. We fought for 8 months about how I thought more happened and he promised me over and over that it didn't.

    Now 8 months later I find out that more did happen. They kissed 4 different times. They were in a house alone together where he said she came on to him and they heavily made out and felt around but no clothes came off because she said that they had to stop because she was on her period. I just feel like more happened and I feel like i can't believe my husband because of all the lies before. I still have this sick feeling that they had sex.

    he said she finally asked him if he would leave me and he said no and ended things.

    He said that he had no intention of anything happening with her. He said that he was talking to her because he could vent about work with her and that she made him feel good. He said that I would cut him down and belittle him and make him feel worthless and it was nice to have affirmation from someone else that he was okay (i did do these things and I have taken a hard look at myself and have made huge efforts to change)

    he has truly shown he is sorry and since then he has gone to the church and the Father who married us and confessed. He has taken me to the church and sworn on a cross that i know everything. He lit a candle in front of Virgin Mary and the Father even confirmed that he also said that sex did not happen.

    I don't know what to do. I love my husband so much and I never thought he could ever do something like this to me.

    The worst part about all this is it happened after just being married 1 year. I don't know if this was a huge wake up call for us and now we can learn and have a stronger than ever marriage? ..... or is this a marriage that is doomed?

    I just want to be able to know the truth so bad and I would appreciate any help from anyone who has gone through anything similar. I don't know what to do and I am just so sad.

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    1. I'm so sorry for the pain you're in.
      Your husband has been clearly been playing with fire. I don't know if "more" happened or not, but enough has already happened to make it clear that he's crossed a dangerous line.
      He needs to get some counselling to figure out why he was willing to risk his marriage for this. What story is he telling himself that made it somehow okay to betray you? This isn't something that can be swept under the rug with a promise that it "won't happen again". Without an understanding of why it happened in the first place, it's highly likely it will happen again.
      I'm glad you're open to taking some responsibility for what was happening in your marriage. Men often do seek out affairs to feed their own egos. But he needs to take FULL responsibility for his response to what was happening in your marriage. In short, cheating is never okay. He had every right to talk to you about what you were doing, seek counselling, ask for a separation, etc. etc. Cheating only makes things worse.
      You can use this as a chance to rebuild a marriage that is far healthier -- with the ability to talk about painful things, to share problems -- but it takes a lot of work and a sincere desire for honesty.
      Sweetheart, of course you're sad. Betrayal is excruciating, no matter the level. It's your choice whether you want to give him the chance to show you he can be a better man (and for you both to learn skills to have a healthier partnership).

      Delete
    2. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me and for your kind words. You're a very kind person for taking the time to do that for me. I guess one last thought of mine is should I be a fool again and believe him? I believed him for 8 months while he said they were just friends and then found out i was stupid for believing him. He said he was just so terrified to loose me that he didn't want the truth to come out.
      I just feel like I need proof that nothing more happened before I make the decision to stay or go. I just don't know if it is possible. And I hate the other girl so much. It consumes me. I just hate her so much for doing this. She made all the moves (my husband had every chance to stop it and didn't ) but I truly believe my husband wouldn't have made the first moves towards her and I just hate her for it.

      Delete
    3. Secret,
      At this point, you'd be a fool to believe him but that doesn't mean you're a fool to give him the chance to prove that you're not a fool...if that makes any sense. He has shown you that he can lie to you. So to suddenly believe everything out of his mouth doesn't make any sense. He needs to prove to you that he's willing to do what it takes to show that he's trustworthy now. That likely means seeking counselling to get clear on why he was lying to you. It means giving you access to any/all electronics/phones, etc. so that you can check up any time you want. It means talking openly about what message he was giving himself re. cheating and how can you both ensure he doesn't go down that path again.
      As for your hatred for the OW, that's pretty common. We feel threatened, of course. But ultimately it was your husband who owed you decency and honesty, not some woman who has her own problems and who likely could not care less about you. Try your hardest to simply put her out of your mind. There's nothing to be gained by staying focussed on her. Your problem is with your husband. There will always be temptation in life...the key is creating a marriage in which both partners have the tools they need to resist it.

      Delete
  75. I have been together with my high school sweetheart for 7 years, married for 1.5years. I found out he cheated on me for 2weeks with his best friends fiance! Prior to the two weeks he had been feeling confused and in a depressive episode. (i did not know as he didn't tell me what he was feeling) He felt like he couldn't talk to me because these where all new feelings. He says he did it because he was sexually curious as we have been each others only partners. The reason he actually did it is because he had depression and it limited his decision making. They didn't have sex, but they did conduct oral and sexting and pics/vids over the two weeks.

    I found out by finding deleted emails. He suggested to see a therapist straight away. He cut of all contact, two weeks later he called her because he had to get of his chest that he was sorry for ruining their relationship and that he was blaming himself only, not her. Boy that pissed me off. But since then there has been no contact, or thoughts about her. He constantly tells me that it was purely sexual and not emotional. He says he never stopped loving me, and never wanted to leave me and pursue a relationship with her. I just can't comprehend that he lied to me for two weeks and get sexual with someone behind my back. I never thought he was one to cheat, and neither did he. He is now on medication, and his moods a back to normal. We are doing good, but I still struggle daily with the deception and lying and doing this to me. He said he never even thought about the consequences of his actions, how it might hurt me, and our marriage.

    Im angry that he has given me a reason to leave him and contemplate divorce. I am so scared of being hurt again and losing him. I love him with all my heart. How do I believe him. He is constantly telling me that he loves me, he will never hurt me again, he has learnt from this, and knows its ok to talk to me about everything even if it might upset me. He knows what he did was wrong and he fully regrets all of it. He wishes it never happened.

    I hate feeling how I feel. everyday is a roller coaster. I hate that I feel that I can trust him, but then have to remind myself of what he has done. He knows what he did was wrong, and he has only blamed himself, never me. I just wish someone could tell me it will all be ok, and that he is being truthful and will never cheat on me again.

    The unknown kills me. Its a horrible feeling knowing that the one you love and thought loved you so much, thinking he would never hurt you, deceive you, and he did. And you can't go to them because they are the one that caused the pain. Ugh such great heart ache, I wish there was a manual.

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    1. SGUNN,
      I'm so sorry I missed your post. And so sorry for the pain you're in.
      It sounds as if your husband is doing all the right things -- taking responsibility for what he did, supporting you in your healing. I think that anyone who cheats also needs to get to the root of why they did it, figure out what story they were telling themselves that allowed them to betray a marriage they didn't want to lose. Is he in any sort of counselling?
      As for the "unknown" -- it's excruciating. But it's also been your entire life. And mine. And everyone's. None of us ever really knows what's around the corner. We might win the lottery. We might get a terminal diagnosis. We might lose a child. We might discover our spouse has cheated. You're only discovering what has been true all along -- that we can never control another human being's choices. We can, however, control ourselves and that's where your healing comes in. By getting to a place where you can trust yourself to keep yourself safe, no matter what else happens, you open up the ability to accept the risks of loving someone. Assuming he's doing the work of figuring out why he cheated and helping you heal from his choice, then you might decide he's a risk worth taking, knowing that, no matter what he does, YOU WILL BE FINE. Sad, of course. But ultimately okay.

      Delete
  76. OK here goes, this is the first time I'm writing about this. Two weeks ago I discovered texts on my husband's cell phone that revealed an affair - apparently a virtual affair. We have been together 30 years. He 53, me 56. I saw lots of sexting but also many professions of undying love for each other. Snide remarks about me including some that were made while I was right next to him. That night after he went to bed earlier than me I tried to read through all the texts but there were thousands since early August. Oddly, no photos of her. He sent her one of his genitals. The more I read, the worse it got. Finally I confronted him at 2:00 am and he just kept saying he was sorry and he would end it. It takes me a while to process things so I didn't immediately have a strong reaction. He came home from work the next day and handed me his phone, saying "They're all gone now." Meaning he deleted everything. After a few days it all started to sink in. I purchased a program online that retrieves deleted data from an iPhone, waited til he went to bed and scanned his phone. OMG. Turns out this woman was in 9th grade when he was in 12th; she "idolized" him but they never got together etc. She was the one who found him via his business, then hotly pursued him via texts and phone calls. I was able to get her address via phone numbers, did a little research and this woman has NO internet presence. No photos of her anywhere, no FB, no Twitter etc. At first I didn't believe that they never had sex in person, so I went to my dr and got STD tests. A week after D-day I saw that he continued to text her including saying "she (meaning me) is so bothered that I'm obviously in love with you." He is talking about spending the rest of his life with a woman he hasn't laid eyes on in 35 years! One week ago I gave him the ultimatum: her or me. There was a 40 min call to her that day and he claims he completely broke it off and is deeply ashamed over this “fantasy relationship.” That evening as we sat talking about it, SHE texted ME a pic of my husband's privates that he’d sent her weeks ago….

    To make matters worse, as I continued to read the thousands of texts between them, I discovered she is on heavy duty psych meds for schizophrenia and psychosis. Now I am terrified that she will do something crazy, try to hurt us (we have a daughter). I made him go out and get an exterior security system that sends me alerts when anyone is at front or back doors. Husband says she “refused to believe” it was over during the phone call.

    continued below.

    ReplyDelete
  77. part 2

    Over the last week he has slunk and moped around here in misery and I feel worse and worse about myself. I used to be very pretty and got a lot of mileage out of it – and apparently he did too. You know how you start to get invisible to men around age 50? I never thought that would happen with my husband. I look in the mirror now and see sagging jowls, deep hollows and circles under eyes, sagging belly, etc. Yesterday I spent hours online looking for make-up “fixes” online all of which made me look even worse. I feel awful about the way I look. I washed all that makeup off and put on my nice “going out” face, worked on hair, etc. When he got home he didn’t say a word. No “you look nice” or anything. I feel he is looking at me and thinking how pathetic that I’m trying to look pretty again.

    I am obsessed with finding out what SHE looks like too. Isn’t it weird that she sent NO pics of herself??

    So today is the day, I am driving to her condo building and staking it out until she emerges. I looked into spending lots of $ on a telescopic lens but I don’t even care about a pic of her, I just need to know what she looks like.

    Oh, did I mention that hubby texted her while he and I were at a family wedding last month? Including pics of him and me that were the WORST photos ever taken of me. She said I looked like Mary Todd Lincoln!!

    There are more layers to this story but enough for now. If anyone can share how to regain my confidence and stop looking in the mirror and thinking “I’m not THAT bad,” please share.

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    1. TeeJay,
      I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's hell.
      I want to make something perfectly clear to you though: This had NOTHING to do with you. You could look like Halle Berry, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Garner, Elizabeth Hurley, etc. etc. and still be cheated on. It has NOTHING to do with looks and everything to do with fantasy. Your husband fell in love with her adoration of him. It becomes like a drug and, clearly, he would do anything to get it, including insulting his loyal wife.
      If he wants you to even consider staying with his sorry ass then he needs to get clear on what/who he wants and get himself into some serious therapy.
      I would urge you, too, to find a counsellor who can support you through this. Forget the makeup and cosmetic changes, focus on healing. Your ego has taken a huge hit. But, by 50 (I'm 51), most of us have figured out that the looks we used as currency in our younger years, while it was fun, don't really get us what we want in life -- feelings of worth, meaningful relationships, satisfying work. We get those things by working on what's inside us, not what's on the outside.
      You're NOT "that bad". You're a middle-aged woman going through hell.

      Delete
  78. Thanks for your reply, Elle. I know the things you're saying are true. I do have a therapist and hubby has agreed to see someone to work on himself. Yes, I could tell from the texts her adoration was a drug to him. He is such a man-child, it's like I became Mom and they were sneaking around like two kids!

    I did not go to her apartment. This is probably good since one of her texts refers to her "hot yoga" classes (that made me vomit a little). Instead I finally confided in my best friend today. I hadn't told her before b/c our husbands are close and also have a business relationship. (I know, I need to stop protecting him.) My BFF convinced me to go talk to our county clerk about a restraining order and she came with me; turns out 1) the OW sending me one text isn't enough to get a restraining order; and 2) I'd have to go to her county to file it, not mine. So although nothing came of it, it made me feel better and I'm glad I finally confided in my friend even if it messes up hubby's relationship with them.

    I also got a great job offer a little while ago, after being out of work for 8 months. I'm an optimist at heart so it's been a wild roller coaster of emotions today!!

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  79. Thank you for this forum! I would like to send a little encouragement to all, like me, who have been betrayed.
    After being married for 20 years, 3 kids and moving from the northeast to the southeast for H's relocation, he found a 10 year younger, 6 inch taller, more beautiful southern woman who shared my name and worked for the same company. That went on for 1 year until I heard the OW's voice over the phone when he called home from a hotel room in another state. The details can all be found in all the previous posts-yes, I was that unaware and devastated. I spent some time snooping & found phone bills & credit card bills which proved beyond any doubt he was cheating. I gave him 7 hours to drive home so we could talk. During that time I made an appointment with a divorce attorney, as I believed he would only have committed adultery if he loved the OW. He begged me to stay, vowed his love for me, she was nothing to him, he wanted our marriage to work, loved the kids, loved our home, etc, etc. He even used the kids to keep me from leaving. I stayed. That was August 12, 1981.
    He changed jobs, we moved to another state but nothing was really right again. When I lost control he told me he loved me but didn't want to talk about it again,ever. I had questions. We went to 2 marriage therapists to no avail. We grew further apart, no intimacy, living like polite roommates. I went to college, his job grew, the kids grew up, we cared for terminal parents, he had 3 cancer operations, life went on. We stayed together but apart.
    One day, I simply couldn't take it any longer. I told him I would be leaving. He had never "gotten it" so we could never heal. One night, the anniversary of DD, I couldn't sleep so I was passing the time on the computer. I typed in Betrayed Wives and up this forum popped. I read Elle's reply to the OW which stated my feelings exactly. The next morning I had him read it. He sat at the computer crying but continued reading for hours.
    He finally got it. He said he had no idea how deeply he had hurt me. He was finally, sincerely sorry for what he had done and the hurt he caused me. I asked him to seek a therapist to find out why he did it. He learns a little more about himself each week and for the first time since 1981 I can say we are truly happy in our marriage and with each other.
    My point is that if a couple both work hard, it can be good again. I hope if you both want to stay together that it doesn't take as long for you!

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    1. Carol the first,
      Wow. That's quite a story. I'm so happy to hear that he can finally acknowledge the pain he's caused you and, I suspect, the pain he's harboured deep down. We can skate on the surface of this stuff but it doesn't give us a very rich life. When two people are able to find their way back to each other after such a betrayal, I think that's wonderful. And I'm so glad you shared that with all the women here who wonder if they'll ever find happiness again.

      Delete
  80. My story is very long and really hard to tell in just a few words. The OW was integrated into our lives for a long time. If you're interested in reading it, you can go to my private blog. I am still in the process of writing it and I will be updating it throughout the healing process, so you can subscribe in the full site if you would like to.

    http://eyeswideopenhealingjourneyinfidelity.blogspot.com/?m=1

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    Replies
    1. Hi Keke,
      Wishing you all sorts of strength as you heal.

      Delete
  81. I'm at the point where I just don't know what to do anymore. So maybe getting my story out there can help me.
    When my husband and I first started dating we would talk about past relationships. Just getting to know each other. Things like that. When he would bring up his ex lets just call her K. He would promise he had not spoke to her since months before we started dating.
    For some reason, I believed this man like none other before him. I put all my faith and trust in him. I had never done that before.
    About a year into our relationship, my phone broke. He had just gotten a new phone about a month before and gave me his old one to use. When I went to the messages there was a conversation between him and K.
    It was totally innocent, but I felt betrayed because he promised he had not spoke to her since before we had started dating. The conversation clearly took place every now and then over the previous year. I was hurt.
    I called him out on it, but because it was innocent I quickly got over it as long as he promised to block her on social media and never talk to her again.
    Fast forward to almost two years later. It was three months after our one year anniversary of being married. I had a strange feeling, much like the one I had when I found the texts between him and K. I checked his facebook (he had always told me i could check it whenever because "I'm not doing anything.") I had only checked it once before and that was to make sure K was blocked. But I went through his messages and came across the "Archived" folder. There was a message between him and a girl we will call "S".
    They talked about how much they missed each other and reminisced about old times. He told her she was gorgeous.
    The message was dated March 2013. Exactly one month before we got married.
    Now when I found it, it was over a year old, but it was new to me. I was absolutely destroyed. I could not believe it.
    We had a 3 month old daughter and my 6 year old son.
    I sent him screenshots and he tried to deny it. He pretended like he had no idea how that got there.
    I told him "I'm not dumb. It's right here in front of my face. Just be honest." He kept beating around the bush.
    I told him I wouldn't divorce him if he just told me the truth. He finally gave in.
    It took me almost a year to get over.
    Then three days after our 2nd anniversary ( April 25, 2015) I had that feeling once again. I checked his facebook and found that K was unblocked.
    I looked online at his text messages. And he had tons from some number.
    Now he works in the oilfield so he has a work phone. I'm really the only person he talks to unless it's work people, but that's on his work phone. So I knew the number was odd.
    I called it, blocked of course, before I even confronted him. I felt like a psycho path until I heard a girl voice.
    I hung up and instantly called him.
    I asked him who the number was. And he said "My friend.".
    I told him I knew it was K because I called it and it was a girl and that I had checked his facebook and saw she was unblocked.
    I told him I had, had enough. I hung up on him. He probably called me fifteen times in a row. When I finally answered he said he was on his way home.
    I felt so hurt.
    I still do. It's been over six months and I just don't know what to do.
    One minute I'm okay and feel like everything is back on track but the next second I just can't even stand to be around him.
    I don't know what to do at this point.
    He hasn't been on his facebook since that day. I know because I continuously check his "recent activity". There's never anything there.
    I don't want to leave him, but I just don't know if I can ever get over this. I had just barely gotten over the whole thing with S when I found out about this.

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  82. As I read your stories, I feel as though I am reading mine. My husband and I have been together for 27 years. I found out by chance about my husbands affair with a co worker from a private post on a social website. This woman of 20 years younger than me had posted a photo of herself in a black negligee and privately messaged him because he hadn't" liked" her post yet. I confronted him and he admitted to it. I was completely blindsided. In all my life I have never felt so utterly heartbroken and betrayed. He told me that she meant nothing. He told me that he was relieved that I knew. He told me that he had no feelings for her. That he was flattered when she started to call and text him. He said that they only went out a few times and that they "fooled around" but had sex once. He said he regretted it and barely remembered having se with her because they had been drinking. I had begun to suspect something when I noticed the public messages in the aftermath of Paris bombings. We have. Daughter who lives in Paris and she mentioned in this message that she and her "friend" had contacted the consulate in Paris and were relieved that said daughter was safe. The affair began end of September 2015 and ended November 15 2015. She has made public posts accusing him of his infidelity , has sent me messages that she took screenshots of messages exchanged between them during the affair., has had friends message me.
    She has called and left my husband threatening messages. She has also gone to one of his job sites ( my husband is a foreman) and asked the supervisor to contact him stating that it was urgent that she reach him .
    She has been relentless! It is now February 17 2016 and I still have concerns about this woman. My main concern being that he will eventually have to work with her. He says he loves me. I'm the only woman he has ever loved . Says he wants to spend the rest of his life proving that I'm his one and only. This man has truly been the love of my life and he still is. We're spending more time together than we have for years. We want our marriage to last . I want our life to be better than it ever was before. This is the most difficult experience of my life. I am so completely and hopelessly in love and cannot imagine my life without him in it. I no longer cry daily but the pain and loss of trust are still there. On one hand I am so grateful to have found this site and share my pain with others. On the other hand , I makes me very sad to hear of others heart wrenching stories. I thank you all for being so brave .
    Somehow through all of this if there is one thing that am taking from it is learning to truly love "myself"


    Namaste

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  83. I'm 6 months pregnant and have a 3 year old daughter. I work full time in a relatively good job. I've found out my husbands has been paying for sex. He never liked sex with me when I've been pregnant but he started this before a fell pregnant. He's never really badgered me for seX. I think this is just something he's wanted to do. A fantasy. I felt something was wrong and read texts and saw the messages arranging meeting prostitutes. I feel so alone and so trapped. I'm pregnant and don't want to deal with a new baby alone. My daughter adores him. Leaving him would be so hard for her. But I can't trust him. What do I do?

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    1. Unknown,
      You don't need to "do" anything right now except take care of yourself, your daughter and your unborn baby. Give yourself time to figure out what's the next right step for you and your family. Your daughter can continue to adore her father, even if he lives elsewhere. Your new baby will no nothing different than whatever path you choose.
      I would urge you to get some counselling for yourself because you need support to get through this. If your husband is even remotely interested in rebuilding a marriage with you (and you're even considering it), then he needs to get help too. He clearly needs help with his boundaries. It's one thing to have fantasies and quite another to go outside a marriage and act on them without a partner's knowledge/consent.
      Please don't have sex with him without getting tested for STDs and insisting that he also get tested. He has put both you and your unborn baby at risk.
      Give yourself time to get through this and figure out what you want...but keep yourself safe in the meantime.

      Delete
  84. Hi Elle, and all,

    I found this site about a week ago and since then, my life and situation has changed more than I could ever have imagined. It is 4 weeks since I discovered his affair.

    I will start from the beginning. I have been married to my H for nearly 7 years and met 2 years before that. He moved from Australia to live with me in England. We had a happy marriage, with a few problems which never felt like they were ruining our happiness. My H has never found it easy to open up and communicate and this meant that I struggled to be intimate with him. About 6 months ago, his family visited and he was having a really tough time at work. When his family left, he broke down into tears and told me how upset and unhappy he was. I told him he should quit his job and go home to spend more time with his family. I supported him when he was going through this and he spent 6 weeks in Australia and came back wanting to make changes... He found a new job and seemed to be able to commit to things again, going to the gym, wanting to see friends generally seemed happier.

    Nearing Christmas he was messaging someone at work, she was sending him photos of her christmas dresses etc and was open about the texts. I told him, that is was inappropriate and she clearly liked him and he should stop. Even our mutual friends told him it wasnt normal. I then had to go away for 10 days over the Christmas party period. When I came back H was behaving distant and cold, so I questionned and pushed him until he admitted he had kissed this girl he had been texting. I was shocked but said, as long as that is all it was, we could use it as a opportunity to work on ourselves and move forward. He identified things that were wrong and I put my all into changing.. finding things I was interested in and so I had something to say to myself (oh and to add, I had just quit my job as I was miserable, and he told me to leave and he would support me, so I now have all the time in the world to dwell). He said he would go to counselling to help him with his issues and we would then go to counselling together to get over the bits for our marriage. Over the next couple of weeks he was busy with work and didnt seem to be trying to change, and I mentioned to him a few times. I didn't even think he could still be seeing her.

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  85. part 2.

    One week after leaving my job, I went on a weekend away with friends and he told me he had to work in Amsterdam which I thought was odd to do over the weekend and seeing that his company is British and never needed to travel. Over that weekend, I felt very nervous and didnt get many messages from him, the ones I got were short and cold. When I got back, I was doing house things and he came in and was so cold, distant and couldnt look at my face. I walked away and he followed and I asked him, "were you with her" he denied it and I asked again and he came out with it. He loved her, he had gone to amsterdam to have sex with her, he had 3 orgasms and it was the best sex ever. He had been seeing her for 3 months! I was upset, got angry and beat him, and within 15 minutes I was calm and asking him reasonable questions. I knew I loved him and if he wanted to we could work together and move forwards. He kept repeating how could I still love him and he was confused. He needed to choose between us! To me that was insane 9 years compared to 3 months!!! no thought required! He stayed in my bed with me, hugging for 2 nights and then decided being at home was too hard and he moved out. The following week was hell, I didnt know whether he was going to pick me or her. Ididnt know where he was. If he was seeing her. He barely messaged and only told me how confused he was. I convinced him we could work on it and we went to counselling. He came away positive and felt we could work through it but didnt break it off from her straight away (he sees her a work), it took a few days and a couple of nice times together and remembering what we had for him to say he broke it off with her. I felt like he was making a small effort, but not enough. I do think he stopped seeing her and really wanted to try and make a go of it. I sent him a message on the monday saying I enjoyed spending time with him but it was hard for me to deal with it all and he came back, with "it is good to spend time together, we need to move slowly so we can make us the best we can, he loved me loads and can see the light at the end" I felt like we could get through it and then that evening he went awol, the following two days Igot a couple of cold, nothing texts and he called me at 11pm and was very short, I told him, he was being cruel and hurting me, and I needed him to communicate so that I know he wants to try and know where he is, and he sounded really down so I asked him why and he told me not to dig now, not now, he was sad and would talk to me at our counselling session the next couple of days.

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  86. Part. 3 (sorry)
    The day of counselling, Thursday just gone, he turned up only 5 minutes before, and hadnt told me he was on his way as he did with the previous 2. I knew something was wrong. He came out with it, his OW was pregnant 4 weeks (Amsterdam!!). Then we had to go into the session. It was horrid but I was smiling it was insane, crazy... he said they had made the decision and they were keeping the child, which I guess means he is not staying with me. The counsellors came out and said as we wont be seeing you now, we need to give advice and told my H he is on the edge of a mental breakdown and needs help.. he looked so broken and little and I wanted to help him. But he had hurt me so bad! I knew it was over, withint 1 month of knowing, and only a couple of days from him saying we were on the right path, he has decided to chuck in our nine years to father a child which is coming out of something so short.. (he told me over the month, she was similar to me, but less pretty, she didnt have a nice body and didnt defend her when I refered to her as a whore - it was crazy that he thought he loved her and he also admitted he thought it was just sex and lust and not a real relationship). When we left the session he called out to me and Ijust looked at him and walked off. I didnt hear from him for a couple of days, I then got an email just saying sorrry and his head is a mess and he hasnt been at work (he usualy can distract himself by throwing himself into work and this meant he was totally gone crazy). I took a while to respond and ultimately went back and said, cant believe you could do this, but I am here if you need to talk... he replied and couldnt understand why I would still be there for him.. I have explained that 9 special years cant just flip immediately... anyway so that is what happened and now I am faced with divorce. Although he hasnt mentioned anything about this yet.. Many of you on here, were lucky enough to have husbands who wanted to try and make it work, I am not going to get that chance, I guess it is good as I am set free and can take decisions for my future. He will be stuck in a relationship which may not work out (they dont know eachother!) and is tied to her and a child that will always represent what he did and what he lost in me and our marriage. How can I get past this, how can I move on? At the moment, I take every day as it comes, no job and no husband but lots of family and family who now know... I feel so lonely and hurt and all I want is a hug from my husband... I hope he struggles and one day realises what he lost.... help me..

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    1. Natalie,
      I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through. I'm glad to know that you've got family to support you through this. You say that some of us are "lucky" to have husbands willing to stay with us. I would argue they're "lucky" that we're willing to stick with them. Your husband has shown you who he is (and it ain't pretty!!). I know you're heartsick. It's normal, of course, to feel incredible pain for what he has put you through.
      But I also want you to know that you will get through this. You're stronger than you know. I hope you'll get some counselling for yourself to help you through and that you'll find healing. You move on by making the choice, minute by minute, to not let this guy hold you back from the rest of your life. You move on by making the choice, minute by minute, to respect yourself and love yourself. This was NOT about you. This was about his own moral failings. Please know that.
      Hang in there, Natalie. And don't hesitate to keep posting here. There are many many wonderful women who can support you as you heal from this.

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    2. Hi Elle,

      Thank you for your post. You are right, it is the husbands who are lucky that they have wives who are strong enough to work on the relationships. Since I posted last my husband has become a little more present and is sorry and misses and loves me (i am the only reasonable friend he has to talk to and I am helping him, i cant help it). He half says he wants to get back and work it all out but also that he wants the child. I love him and want to work on pur marriage but dont know if I could if there is a child involved as that means he will always have contact with the OW. Does anyone have advice or experience of this?. I really wish I hated him and didnt want him back as that would be easier...

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    3. Natalie,
      There are some women on this site whose husbands have had children with the OW or she's currently pregnant. I've no doubt it makes things that much tougher but it can be done, of course.
      I think your first step is to get some counselling for yourself to help you sort through all this. Your feelings are likely all over the map and before you commit to anything, it's crucial to figure out what you really want moving forward. You can still love him...but you need to love yourself enough to ensure that your healing comes first. I suspect you've spent much of your relationship taking care of him, emotionally supporting him, etc. Now's the time to shift that dynamic and begin giving yourself the attention you've focussed on him.

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  87. I've been looking for someone to talk to about my problem I have no one that I know who has stayed after being cheated on so if just like to tell my story and have some honest feed back on what to do next. Okay so I am 17 and my bf is 16 I know that's young to be worrying about a future really but we have been together off and on for 4 years next month will be our 1 year and two days ago I got a message from a girl and it was picture of my boyfriend and her video chatting dirty things so I confronted him and he admitted to it he says he doesn't know why he would do it and he wasn't thinking I wanted to hate him but I can't I'm so in love and we are basically together all the time I don't think it's fair for me to have to hurt without him so I want to try and work it out. I'm just afraid it won't because now I feel so unneeded and he used to make me feel like the only girl in the world I feel like it's my fault because I don't enjoy sexual stuff as much as he does. Can someone help me on what to do and how we could fix our problem because idk what he could do to make this better but I do want it to work...

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    Replies
    1. Hi Unknown,
      Let me start by telling you this is absolutely NOT your fault. Your boyfriend violated your trust by going behind your back and having an intimate relationship. He didn't give you the respect or dignity of having any choice in the matter. That is something he needs to take full responsibility for.
      It's certainly possible to learn and grow from a really painful experience like this. And it's possible for a relationship to become stronger by working through this together. However, the big question -- and it's one only your boyfriend can answer is -- why did he think it was okay to do this? No matter whether you love sex or hate it, why did HE think it was okay to deceive you? Is he a good guy who did a horrible thing? Or is this part of a pattern of behaviour that indicates that maybe he's not such a good guy after all? Does he lie about other things, even small things? I know you're going to hate hearing this, but you're both really young and your characters are really still forming. But what are his values? Does he value honesty and respect? A 16-year-old boy can make some pretty stupid decisions thanks to hormones and lack of life experience so it's up to you whether you think he deserves a second chance with you. But I want you to take some time to really consider what YOU value in a relationship. You've spent your entire teen life with him thus far, which hasn't, perhaps, given you the chance to really get to know yourself as an individual. And that's a really important step for anyone to take -- to know and understand themselves so that you can make choices that are consistent with your own value system.
      Give yourself some time to think this through. Don't be so eager to please him without first working through your own pain. Betrayal is excruciating and it does often make us question our own worth to the other person. But that's backwards. It's the cheater who needs to think through why their partner should consider giving them a second chance.
      Unknown, I went through what you're going through when I was in my teens. I was devastated by it. I wish I'd taken the time then to really focus on my own self-esteem and heal from it in a way that left me on solid ground rather than trying to please others. I hope you'll do that. You're worth respect. You're worth kindness and honesty and love.

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